the number one question men are asking around the country...

 My wife married a man; I saw no reason why she should inherit a baby.

Steinbeck

The student, when fully trained, will be like the master.

Jesus

Over the last few weeks, I have been speaking to men around the US with some of the themes from our new book Fighting Shadows.

It's been a real privilege and a very rare opportunity to get a fresh perspective on the state of men’s hearts around the nation. From seeing teenagers weep at the altar, asking God to help them rise above the anxiety and addictions of their generation, to older men starting to dream that God is not done with them yet, it’s been an honor and a gift.

We need more men in the world who think, act, and love like Jesus. It's deeply encouraging to see how God is calling and forming them in heart-stirring ways. 

One of the highlights of these times has been the formal Q&A sessions and the informal conversations in the lobbies while milling around afterward. The late-night hangs have also been legendary. 

You can learn a lot about what is on the hearts of men by the questions they ask. Here are a sample of some of the most interesting ones:

"Does God see a Christian transgender man as a son of God or daughter of God?"

"Why do we have to talk about men and women? Why can’t we just talk about Jesus?"

"Is there even such a thing as biblical masculinity, or is that just a term evangelicals use to maintain male control in the church?"

*Quick note: how would you answer these questions? :)

However, one underlying theme is below the surface of all these questions.

How can I actually become a godly man?

There is a lot to wrestle with here. How much of Jewish and Greco-Roman culture and customs should we leave or carry over into the modern world? How much validity should Christians give to modern sociology and gender theory? What constitutes a timeless biblical command for men verses a culturally conditioned stereotype for them?

There is a lot of back and forth and different perspectives on all these issues. Some are helpful and a needed discussion for sure, but this isn’t the main thing really driving men’s hearts. 

It seems that men need more than perspective on what makes a man; they need permission to become one.

They need someone to tell them that it's actually okay to become the man God is calling them to be deep in their hearts. All the controversy seems to have robbed men of confidence and convictions about how to live and function well in the world.

They don’t want to be Andrew Tate. They don’t want to be apathetic.

So, what can we do? Here is my basic response:

Be the man God is calling you to be. Put your effort into formation, not opinion.

You don’t need permission from the culture to pursue Jesus, and you don’t need an online doctrinal statement to be devoted to Christ. Formation comes in the radical pursuit of a godly life, not endless speculation and debate about meta-masculine theory. 

I think of that quote by Marcus Aurelius all the time. It hangs on the wall just outside my office. 

"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one."

So, to repeat what I have written before, if you are relying on the culture to try to understand what a man is, you will be deeply confused. Modern society is so at war with itself that it can’t even decide on a definition of a man, let alone form them in a healthy way. 

So much time is spent on debate, defense, argumentation, legislation, and commentary, yet so little of it is helpful. It seems that the casualties of our culture war are men themselves. 

The truth is this: how you live is what you believe; everything else is just talk. 

If your opinion is stronger than your character, close your mouth and let your character catch up to your rhetoric. Talk is cheap; growth is costly. Debating an article is easy; defeating your own self-destructing patterns is a war.  

Are you wasting time arguing with others when you should be working on yourself?

If you have a vision of what a good man should be…be one.
If you have a vision of what a good Dad should be…be one.
If you have a vision of what a good friend should be…be one.
If you have a vision of what a loving husband should be…be one.
If you have a vision of what a hardworking man should be…be one.

Silence the arguments of our culture with your life. 

Be the dad your kids need from you. The most important thing is not what the culture says about fathers but about the kind of father you are. The most important thing is not what the culture says a normal family is; it’s that you love, serve, and sacrifice to make your family what God has called it to be.

Be the healthy male figure in your world.
Be the servant leader in your community.
Be the safe man women can trust without fear of coercion.
Be gentle in a world of aggression.
Be kind in a world of cruelty.
Be wise in a world of fools.
Be just in a world of tyrants.
Be disciplined in a culture of excess.
Be faithful in a world of compromise.
Be loving in a world of hate.
Be hopeful in a time of despair.
Be proactive in a world of passivity.

How you live is what you believe; everything else is just talk. Your life is your argument about manhood. Work on that. 

Jesus didn’t spend much time arguing about what a messiah was; He just loved, sacrificed, taught, confronted, and saved the world. He didn’t debate, He did. He was one.

The answer to the deep question men are asking is "yes."

You have permission to pursue becoming a godly man.

Get after it with humility, love, and grace.

With you in the radical pursuit.

Cheers.

Jon.