how to actually be a good dad in these confusing times

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them.

Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord."

Ephesians 6:4

"Father, into your hands I commit my spirit."

Jesus

In almost every place I speak or teach to men, they always seem to bring it back to one area they need to process—their fathers.

Every father exerts a defining influence on their kids’ lives. 

By his presence or his absence, for good or for bad. Often, it’s for good and bad.

I wrote a book called The Intentional Father that shares my journey of trying to release generational blessings instead of generational curses. It’s called The Intentional Father, not The Perfect Father, because I believe the best we can do as dads is point to our heavenly Father in a way that makes our kids want to pursue God.

But as my kids (now adults) grow and build their own lives, I am still working to grow into the kind of father I want to be. One that helps them build their lives and legacy. One that doesn’t control, but empowers and blesses my kids. 

Turns out that’s harder than you think. Craig Lounsbrough writes, 

"The call of fatherhood is in fact a call of sacrifice, not in some heroic sense where a father is lifted high on some glowing pedestal with all of his sacrifices held up to the awe of those around him. Rather, it is a call that will cost him all that he has, that will be absent of accolades, where rewards will be sparse, and where he will someday find himself having spent all, but in the spending have gained everything. And this is the glory of fatherhood."

Sacrifice is the glory of fatherhood. 

I want to get better at that. 

But how?
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I have long admired Gordon McDonald for what he has written to men. A pastor and leader now in his 80s, I find a rare wisdom and depth in how he writes.

I remember reading his book A Resilient Life several years after I moved to New York to plant a church. As soon as I finished it, I started re-reading it, and several chapters brought me to tears. 

Something about his writing makes you feel like you are reading wisdom and advice from a father. A father who cares that you are doing okay, and cares about the outcome of your life. But I have wondered what exactly in his writing makes you feel this. What are the themes, the emphasis, and the spirit in which he shares?
                                                                                              
When going through some notes, I stumbled across a paragraph he wrote about what it means to be a father to others. What it means to extend care, blessing, and hope to those we are called to love and serve. He said,

"Don’t compete, don’t bore people with stories they haven’t asked to hear, don’t brag about your past. Just listen, encourage, cheer, offer your opinion (when asked), and be ready with a prayer for those who seek a blessing."

As I reflected on these thoughts, it became so clear that these very things are what makes his writing so meaningful. He is not trying to impress you with his depth of learning, wow you with heroics, or shame you for failure. He is calling you to keep going in spite of discouragement, play the long game, and reach for your redemptive potential. 

Here are some reflection questions from McDonald to think through this week: 

Am I competing with my kids or challenging them to become their best?
Let your kids run their own race. They are not a threat to your legacy; they are an extension of it. 

Am I boring them with my stories they didn’t ask for, or asking questions to find out what’s happening in their story?
The good old days probably weren’t that good. So much of culture has changed that the stories don’t transfer easily. Ask your kids about their story instead. I don’t want my kids rolling their eyes and going, "I’ve heard this one before."

Am I bragging about my past or learning about how they see the future?
So much of Gen Z's anxiety comes from having to live up to impossible standards set by culture. Try not to compound that with your own history. Help them walk in the good works God has for them. 

Do I default to lecturing or listening?
I can fall into "lecture mode" so easily as a dad. I am working on defaulting to question mode. Asking about what they are learning, loving, wrestling with, and enjoying instead of my own thoughts projected onto them.

Am I a source of encouragement or criticism?
Encouragement is spiritual adrenaline. I want to create an emotional field that they are drawn to because it will build them up, inspire them, and empower them to dream for more.

Am I cheering them on or critiquing their effort?
Knowing what your kids are into and giving them specific feedback and affirmation can make a world of difference. Celebrate the shots they make; overlook the ones they miss. 

Am I waiting to be invited or charging in without regard? 
Unless invited, opinions sound like lectures. I am working on clarifying my thoughts in advance so I can drop wisdom nuggets and not nostalgic ramblings when invited.

Am I more ready to pray or give my own advice?
I am working on memorizing key prayers and verses from the Bible so I can pray the promises over my kids and not just my own reflections. Rich prayer leads to rich fruit.

Am I releasing or holding back blessings in their lives?
I want to bless my kids for who they are, not what they do. I want them to feel my affection, affirmation, and attention so they know how much I am for them. 

May God give us grace to bless, not wound, heal, and not harm, and help the next generation become all God has destined them to be.

We need fathers in the church. 
We need fathers in the world. 
We need fathers in the home.
We need biological fathers, adoptive fathers, spiritual fathers, stepfathers, mentors, coaches, and fill-in fathers as well.

Children are a heritage from the Lord. 
Praying he gives you wisdom, patience, and love to steward yours well. 

Cheers. 

Jon.