how to bring dead things back to life

This past Friday I attended an event for Artists and Creatives in New York City called Inkwell, hosted by Ekstasis Magazine. I was invited to read an essay about the church engaging culture, alongside a remarkably talented group of painters, poets, essayists, and thinkers. This night was a gift. People packed into the parlor of a brownstone in the Upper West Side, eager with hope that the arts could play a role in renewing our decaying world.

The person I most anticipated hearing from was Makoto Fujimura. Mako is one of the most recognized and celebrated artists of our time. I have long admired him for his vision of the arts and have savored my way through his books and writing. I loved his collaboration on the gospels and was expectant for what he would share. 

Mako’s family comes from Japan, and after the devastating Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami in 2011 that left thousands dead, he wanted to see if there was any way that he could offer support to the victims of the earthquake and tsunami. One of the great challenges was the fallout from the Fukushima nuclear disaster. Because of the failure of the electrical grid, radioactive contaminants led into the surrounding areas.

One commentator noted, 

The nuclear fallout from the tsunami forced nearly 80,000 people to evacuate their homes, not knowing if or when they may return. The 30 miles surrounding the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant has been left contaminated and relatively barren. Even more disturbing, reports of radioactive rice, beef, vegetables, milk, seafood, and even tea have been found more than 60 miles away from the site, outside the mandatory evacuation zone.

The soil was poisoned, life was threatened, and generations of kids would grow up in the shadow of a nuclear disaster. 

How do you even begin to care for the soil of a nuclear disaster, so that it can produce crops again? What can you do in the face of such loss?
Mako noticed something strange when he toured the area. Thousands of sunflower plants? Why were they there, in a disaster zone? Who planted them, and why?

A few months after the catastrophe, Koyu Abe, the leading monk at the nearby Buddhist temple of Joenji, told Reuters:

We plant sunflowers, field mustard, amaranthus and cockscomb, which are all believed to absorb radiation. So far we have grown at least 200,000 flowers ... and distributed many more seeds. At least 8 million sunflowers blooming in Fukushima originated from here.

Mako pointed out that Phytoremediation is the process where plants are utilized to remove contaminants from the environment. The flowers extract the Radioactive Isotopes from the soil and into itself, and can be cut without the need to dig up the roots of the plants. The seeds of the flowers remove the toxicity in the soil.

This, he pointed out, is a parable of what we can do in the brokenness of our own cultural soil today. There seems so little that we can do in the face of all the devastation around us. Who has the power to reverse our great secular decline? What can be done to stem the tide of sexual exploitation and commodification? How can we address the anxiety and depression so rampant in this generation?

Maybe the answer is small loving acts of sacrifice, taking into ourselves the sinful pollution of our cultural soil and creating space for goodness, truth, and beauty to grow in its place. 

This was in fact the way God acted in Christ. Christ came into the world and absorbed the sin and violence of the world into himself. He turned the other cheek, breaking the cycle of retaliation, absorbed our sin into himself, leaving his righteousness as a gift in its place, and tore down the walls of division creating a new humanity to model this same life in their common practice. 

And Jesus’ vision was that we would live a life like his. His vision was that a new community of his followers heal the toxic soil of our world, planting their presence in the fallout of sin, extracting violence and leaving peace, extracting division and leaving unity, extracting despair and leaving hope.

Mako closed with a call to plant ourselves, our art, and our love into the toxic places of this world, places where the cultural soil is most in need of renewal. The kinds of places Christ seemed strangely drawn to, with his vision of sacrificial love before our eyes.   

As I left the Inkwell Gathering and made my way home, I reflected on the invitation he laid out before us.

Where are the contaminated parts of my life? 

How can I sow patience in my marriage where I have polluted it with anger?
How can I sow presence with my kids where I have ignored them with distraction?
How can I sow joy where I have been busy and burdened?

Things may not change quickly; real damage takes real time to repair. 
But with faithfulness, grace, and resolve, barren things may come back to life.

Though it may seem futile that a few flowers can heal a nuclear fallout, it’s true. There has been remarkable restoration at Chernobyl through this exact process.

As followers of Jesus, we have a choice about how we live today.
We can cordon off areas of our lives and world, afraid of the fallout and toxicity we encounter. Or we can plant things there that absorb the brokenness and allow new things to grow.

I want to be a man like that. 

Join me in heading to the broken places to sow seeds of a kingdom of love.

I’ll see you in the field.

Cheers.

Jon.

becoming a man of defiant joy

On Friday, November 13, 2015, a series of coordinated attacks by radical Islamist terrorists struck Paris, France. The first one was during an international soccer match, the second one targeted civilians at cafes and restaurants, and the third one opened fire on concertgoers in the Bataclan theater.

130 people were killed, 416 were injured, (almost 100 critically) and it was the deadliest attack in the European Union since 2004.

Fear, grief, anger, and horror filled the city. 

Having pastored in New York City for almost 20 years and having felt the aftermath of 9/11 and several terrorist attacks since, I know first-hand the shock that can hit the heart. My kids were in a subway station when a terrorist let off a bomb. I’ll never forget the sound of hundreds of sirens and watching my kids rushing down 44th Street back to St Kilda’s coffee shop where we had just prayed together. Safe, but shaken.

U2 was scheduled to perform in Paris shortly after these attacks. Many were worried that their concert could be another target for terrorism. Others were still in mourning and concerned this would create a venue for a copycat attack.

U2 met as a band to discuss their response. Should they cancel their shows in solidarity with the victims? Should they shrink back in fear? Should they wait for time to heal the still-bleeding wounds of the city?

As much as their hearts were troubled, they realized that to cancel their show would be to give in to terror. It would be to acquiesce to the intended fear. They wanted to fight instead. But how? What would their weapon be? What could they do amidst so much suffering and grief? They decided to perform. The weapon would be defiant joy. Bono went on to say:

"Paris is a very romantic city, and you know, the essence of romance is defiance. And defiant joy, we think, is the mark of our band, and of rock-and-roll. They’re a death cult. We’re a life cult."

Defiant joy as a weapon against despair. Defiant joy as a weapon against terror. Defiant joy because normal joy is nowhere to be found. So U2 took to the stage, raised their voices in hope, and gave names to the streets still filled with tears. 

And this link is what that sounded like.

The first minute is worth your time and a lesson in leadership all on its own. 

In the world today, there is so much to grieve over. So much sin, so much brokenness, so much injustice and hate. We are called to war against this as we can. But maybe we need to add a weapon to our arsenal. The weapon of defiant joy.

I want to be a man of defiant joy.

One who raises my fist to fight, but not with flesh and blood.

I want to fight cynicism with wonder.

Apathy with passion.

Despair with joy.

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said to "Scatter joy!" 

Here is some fuel to help you scatter joy this week.

Scatter it on your marriage.

Scatter it on your kids

Scatter it in your church.

Scatter it in your city.

And scatter in hope.

Psalms 126:6 promises us:

Those who go out weeping, carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy, carrying sheaves with them.

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(Also as hard as it may seem for older folks, many in Gen Z don’t know who U2 is, and have never really heard a song. If this is your introduction to them, you’re welcome.)

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In Today’s Newsletter

• Verses to memorize on joy

• Quotes to ponder

• My favorite books on joy

• A joyful man who makes beautiful music

• A couple of poems about finding joy in the daily grind

• Controversial joy

• Joy among men

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VERSES WORTH MEMORIZING

Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy

1 Peter 1:8

^ I pray this happens with more depth in your heart this week.

"Just so, I tell you, there is joy before the angels of God over one sinner who repents."

Luke 15:10

^ The angels aren’t stoic fellas; you shouldn’t be either. 

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13

^ Pray this over your kids and spouse this week.

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

John 15:11

^ Complete joy, this is what Jesus offers. Refuse to settle for anything less.

Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

Nehemiah 8:10

^ Choice food, sweet drinks. Maybe the most godly thing you can do this week is go out for a nice dinner, get dessert, and be grateful for the goodness of God in your life. 

The sound of rejoicing in Jerusalem could be heard far away.

Nehemiah 12:43

^ What sound can be heard coming out of your house?

QUOTES TO PONDER

"There is not one blade of grass, there is no color in this world that is not intended to make us rejoice."

John Calvin

"Among the tales of sorrow and of ruin that came down to us from the darkness of those days there are yet some in which amid weeping there is joy and under the shadow of death light that endures. And of these histories most fair still in the ears of the Elves is the tale of Beren and Lúthien."

J.R.R. Tolkien, The Silmarillion  

"Joy is the infallible sign of the presence of God."

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

BEST BOOKS ON JOY

Path of Life: Finding the Joy You've Always Longed For by Rick Howe

My all-time favorite book on this topic of joy is this one by Rick Howe.

I have read and reread this and have gotten something fresh each time.

In a day when many see Christian faith as a set of obscure doctrines and rigid rules, Path of Life focuses on the God whose radiant joy eclipses all else, whose beauty steals our breath, and whose goodness beckons us into a life-changing, life-enriching relationship that will never end. Path of Life seeks to lead people into the Scriptures, and to introduce them to a growing band of Christians who see following Jesus as a path and portal to flourishing in life.

Strangely Bright by Joe Rigney

A short, thoughtful little read on whether or not, or how much, we can get joy out of created things in this world. A good, quick, sabbath read. Here is a summary. 

Everything in creation declares his glory. Made things make his invisible attributes visible. All of God’s gifts are invitations—they display who he is and invite us to know him and delight in him. They are the beams; he is the sun. They are the streams; he is the fountain. So our calling is simple: to enjoy God in everything and everything in God, knowing that he is greater and more satisfying than any and all of his gifts.

MUSIC

TITUS HAUG

I met Titus on the Wilderness Trip to the Grand Canyon with my daughter. Titus was one of the photographers on the trip. But it turns out he was more than that.

A speaker of fluent Japanese, husband to a light-hearted woman, surfer, artist, and lover of San Diego, I have been really enjoying his music.

You can check him out here.

My favorite songs:

Good Day is the soundtrack for playing with your kids.

Hiding Place. Reflection vibes. 

Slow Down. The Sound Track of John Mark Comer's life

POEM ON JOY

ORDINARY LIFE. BY BARBARA CROOKER

I love this vision of finding joy in the ordinary stuff of life. 

Nothing dramatic, just presence and gratitude. This kind of joy is all around us if we just slow down and see.

This was a day when nothing happened,

the children went off to school

without a murmur, remembering

their books, lunches, gloves.

All morning, the baby and I built block stacks

in the squares of light on the floor.

And lunch blended into naptime,

I cleaned out kitchen cupboards,

one of those jobs that never gets done,

then sat in a circle of sunlight

and drank ginger tea,

watched the birds at the feeder

jostle over lunch's little scraps.

A pheasant strutted from the hedgerow,

preened and flashed his jeweled head.

Now a chicken roasts in the pan,

and the children return,

the murmur of their stories dappling the air.

I peel carrots and potatoes without paring my thumb.

We listen together for your wheels on the drive.

Grace before bread.

And at the table, actual conversation,

no bickering or pokes.

And then, the drift into homework.

The baby goes to his cars, drives them

along the sofa's ridges and hills.

Leaning by the counter, we steal a long slow kiss,

tasting of coffee and cream.

The chicken's diminished to skin & skeleton,

the moon to a comma, a sliver of white,

but this has been a day of grace

in the dead of winter,

the hard cold knuckle of the year,

a day that unwrapped itself

like an unexpected gift,

and the stars turn on,

order themselves

into the winter night.

HAPPINESS. BY RAMOND CARVER 

Another poem about finding the joy in daily life. 

I have this framed on the wall at my summer cabin.

So early it's still almost dark out.

I'm near the window with coffee,

and the usual early morning stuff

that passes for thought.

When I see the boy and his friend

walking up the road

to deliver the newspaper.

They wear caps and sweaters,

and one boy has a bag over his shoulder.

They are so happy

they aren't saying anything, these boys.

I think if they could, they would take

each other's arm.

It's early in the morning,

and they are doing this thing together.

They come on, slowly.

The sky is taking on light,

though the moon still hangs pale over the water.

Such beauty that for a minute

death and ambition, even love,

doesn't enter into this.

Happiness. It comes on

unexpectedly. And goes beyond, really,

any early morning talk about it.

CONTROVERSIAL JOY 

Click here.

And here.

JOYFUL MEN

I have a new book coming out next month. It’s a vision of helping men fight despair, loneliness, shame, lust, ambition, futility and apathy. It’s meant to help men fight for joy.

If you wanted to bring me some joy, you could preorder it and spread the word. 

I would be truly grateful.

You can do that here.

Or here.

Here's to fighting with and for joy.

With defiance.

Cheers.

Jon. 

becoming a light-hearted man in a heavy-hearted world

Becoming like Jesus is as much as about having a relaxed and joyful heart as it is about believing and doing the right thing, as much about proper energy as about proper truth.

Ronald Rolheiser

These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.

Jesus

It’s 9.30 a.m. and I am sitting in a valley overlooking the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon.

I am gathered around a campfire with a group of dads and daughters who have ridden in from Utah on a Wilderness trip. Call it a grown-up version of the Dangerous Kids Club.

It’s the last day of a four-day ride during which we have laughed together, feasted like kings, camped on the edge of the Grand Canyon, been struck by the beauty of creation, and slept on the hard earth with deflated air mattresses. We’ve been covered in mud, stuck in the snow, and driven down roads barely worthy of that name. 

Now, we are in the final session before we head home. Back to our phones, back to business, back to the world that slowly erodes our hearts with stress. 

The dads and daughters circle up in an effort to understand the vision behind the trip and the reason we have invested the time, travel, and expenses to be here. Building a bond of love between us. One by one, we go around the group and answer two simple questions. 

What do you like about your Dad?
What do you like about your daughter?

Now, you have to assume that this is going to be a weep fest. It definitely is. 

Hardly any of the dads could keep it together when their daughters said what they loved about them. Some couldn’t even get the words out through the tears. So often, we go through life wondering if we are truly loved. It hits with violent force when it’s finally spoken out loud.

As moving as this time was, I began to notice a pattern emerge as we moved around the circle. This pattern is not surprising, but one that is so often buried in the midst of our broken and busy world. It was what the daughters said about their dads.

There were the things you would expect in a moment like this. 

"You care for me." "You love me."  "You make me feel safe."

Simple words, but healing balm for a dad’s heart.

But here is what really began to stand out. Two things that came up over and over again.

"You play with me."
"You have a sense of adventure."

Adventure and play. These were what the girls were most grateful for.

In all the talks I have heard for men, these rarely make the list.

We talk about being honest men.
We talk about taking responsibility.
We talk about integrity.
We talk about initiative.

But adventure and play? We rarely talk about that.

I think that’s because adventure and play seem like luxuries for us. They seem almost irresponsible for serious men like us. Men who have to keep commitments, men who have to provide, men who have to grind things out so the lights stay on. 

If we are not careful, though, all this commitment and responsibility drip into our hearts until they begin to harden. 

We have weary hearts.
We have cynical hearts.
We have heavy hearts.

…and there is a danger in this.

Heavy-hearted men will drag their kids into their own stress.
Heavy-hearted men will be too busy for adventure. 
Heavy-hearted men will watch while the kids play by themselves.

Stuart Brown says, "When we stop playing, we start dying."

Adventure and play may turn out to be necessities and not luxuries after all. 

Ronald Rolheiser notes with piercing insight, "In Western culture, the joyous shouting of children often irritates us because it interferes with our depression. That is why we have invented a term, hyperactivity, so that we can, in good conscience, sedate the spontaneous joy in many of our children."

I don’t want to sedate joy; I want to cultivate it.

The disciples struggled with this, too. They pushed the children away who came to Jesus for blessing, but Jesus rebuked them, scooped the little ones into His lap, and blessed them. The children found out that Jesus was a light-hearted man. 

As I listened to these daughters share about their dads, a quiet resolve began to rise within me.

I want to be a light-hearted man. 
A man who can laugh and play. 
A man with a glint of adventure in his eye.
A man with a joyful heart.

I have to cultivate this because it goes against my instincts.

I am a serious man, an intense man, a critical man. 
I am a man with a burden, a vocation, and a call. 
This often means that I am an unavailable man, a busy man, a distracted man. 

But I am resolved to become a light-hearted man.

___________________

With some nervousness, it was my daughter's turn to share.

What would she say about me, watching me as her dad for these 21 years?
What would she love about her father standing before her?

Her answer brought me to tears.

"I love your sense of joy and wonder."
"I love your gratitude for life."

As we drove back home, racing a storm all the way to Utah, my daughter beside me, I prayed for more grace to follow Jesus well. I prayed that I would follow Him more closely and that I would know in increasing measure that His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

Here’s to becoming light-hearted men in a heavy-hearted world.

Men of adventure and play.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

what to do when you want to quit

 Hey folks,

I have struggled to finish well my whole life.
My ability to start is exceptional, but my ability to finish is mediocre.

With so many men today falling along the wayside, I thought I would highlight the importance of perseverance. 

Howard Hendricks of Dallas Theological Seminary wrote, "Of the 2,930 individuals mentioned in the Bible, we only know significant details of 100. Of those 100, only about one-third finished well. Of the two-thirds that did not finish well, most failed in the second half of their lives."

Here is some fuel to be the 30 percent that finish well. 


In Today’s Newsletter...

• Verses to read slowly and meditate on

• Quotes to keep you fighting

• 3 obscure book recommendations

• A paradigm better than a rule of life

• The 2 best albums to celebrate the Spring season

• The man who discipled a nation by plodding

• A poem on learning how to pray

• A non-profit to keep pastors in the game

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SCRIPTURE (read these slowly) 

See to it that you complete the ministry you have received in the Lord.

Colossians 4:17

Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm. Let nothing move you.

Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

1 Corinthians 15:58

We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, so that what you hope for may be fully realized. We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

Hebrews 6:11-12

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

James 1:12

I have a sermon on this, which you can check out here.

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QUOTES

“Just as a bird who abandons the eggs she was sitting on prevents them from hatching, so the monk or nun grows cold and their faith dies, when they go from one place to another.”

Amma Syncletica

Old men ought to be explorers

Here or there does not matter.

We must be still and still moving.

T. S. Eliot

A brother spent nine years, tempted to leave the cenobium (religious community). Every day he got his things ready to leave, and when evening came, he would say to himself: “Tomorrow, I go away.” In the morning, he again thought to himself: “Let us strive again to hold out today because of the Lord.” And when he had spent nine years in that way, God relieved him of that temptation.

One more day, folks, just fight one more day.
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BOOK RECOMMENDATIONS

Island of the World: A Novel by Michael D. O’Brien
Top 3 most beautiful and heart-wrenching books I have ever read. About as long as Lord of the Rings, so brace yourself. Here is the overview:

Island of the World is the story of a child born in 1933 into the turbulent world of the Balkans and tracing his life into the third millennium. The central character is Josip Lasta, the son of an impoverished school teacher in a remote village high in the mountains of the Bosnian interior…

In the life of the central character, the author demonstrates that this will demand suffering and sacrifice, heroism, and even holiness. When he is twelve years old, his entire world is destroyed, and so begins a lifelong Odyssey to find again the faith which the blows of evil have shattered. The plot takes the reader through Josip's youth, his young manhood, life under the Communist regime, hope and loss and unexpected blessings, the growth of his creative powers as a poet, and the ultimate test of his life. Ultimately this novel is about the crucifixion of a soul and resurrection.

Chasing Shackleton: Re-creating the World's Greatest Journey of Survival by Tim Jarvis
I assume most of you have read Endurance, the story of Ernest Shackleton’s epic journey, but have you ever wished you could recreate it today and see if you could handle it? Well, here you go. Here is the overview:

In early 1914, British explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton and his team sailed for Antarctica, attempting to be the first to reach the South Pole. Instead of glory, Shackleton and his crew found themselves in an epic struggle for survival: a three-year odyssey on the ice and oceans of the Antarctic that endures as one of the world’s most famous tales of adventure, endurance, and leadership ever recorded.

In the winter of 2013, celebrated explorer Tim Jarvis, a veteran of multiple polar expeditions, set out to recreate Sir Ernest Shackleton’s treacherous voyage over sea and mountain, outfitted solely with authentic equipment—clothing, boots, food, and tools—from Shackleton’s time, a feat that has never been successfully accomplished.

Perseverance: Fifteen Reflections on Christian Ministry at the Halfway Point by Jon Thompson
I had coffee with Jon a few weeks back. He is a godly man with a vision for pastors to finish well. I just started this, but I am loving it so far.
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PARADIGM (20-MILE MARCH)

I don’t like the language of a rule of life. My personality bristles against it, and it's often reduced to a kind of religious paradigm to fuel project self. It often lacks the missional component needed in our world today.

I love the 20-mile march instead. Discipled progress in pursuit of mission. You can read about why a 20-mile march enables you to endure the hardest seasons and how to build your own version of it below.

• Great 4-minute video on it here.

• Here is a long, deep article on the idea.

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MUSIC

Yesterday was the first day of Spring for 2024. Here is some magical music to celebrate the new season. 

It Might As Well Be Spring by Ike Quebec
This is one of the most beautiful jazz albums ever recorded. Head to the park for a picnic and bring this along. The title track and “Willow Weep For Me” are sublime. 

Sense of Spring – EP by Ludovico Einaudi
Ludovico has composed some of the most transcendent music ever recorded. “Adieux” is the standout track here. This is music for reflection and contemplation. Spring magic.
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THE POWER OF PLODDING

William Carey (1761-1834) is known as the father of modern missions.

He grew up poor in England. 
He worked as a cobbler and made a map of the world from leather straps. He would pray for the nations while he worked.
By the time he was 21, Carey had mastered Latin, Greek, Hebrew, and Italian. He
was working on Dutch and French in case God opened a door for him.
It took him 5 months to sail to India.
His son died.
His wife was debilitated by mental health issues. 
He moved to India and worked for 7 years without seeing a convert.
He translated the gospel into 40 languages.

Yet...

On March 12, 1812, much of his work burned to the ground in a tragic fire.

In the fire, Carey lost the labor of years, including all his “Kararnese New Testament, two whole large Old Testament books in Sanskrit; many pages of his Bengali Dictionary; all his Telegru Grammar, and much of his Punjabi; a year’s work of Marshman [his missionary colleague] and himself on the Ramayana; and every vestige of his well-advanced Dictionary of Sanskrit and its Indian Cognates (the magnum opus of his linguistic life). . . . Also lost were 1400 reams of English paper, and much more of their own; 4,400 lbs of English type, and many fonts of English-cast Hebrew, Greek, Persian, Arabic and Tamil; not less than 104 fonts of Nagari, Telugu, Bengali, Burmese, Marathi, Punjabi, Oriya, Tamil, Chinese and Kashmiri (all of these created and cast by them). In addition the fire took all the building, books, printing materials and tools.”

The next Sunday, he preached a sermon with two points from Psalm 46:10—”Be still, and know that I am God.” 

The sermon had two points:

1. God’s right to dispose of us as He pleases.

2. Man’s duty to acquiesce in His will.

So, he simply kept going and didn’t quit. 

William Carey's perseverance literally helped disciple a nation.

He was a botanist, industrialist, economist, media pioneer, medical worker, astronomer, librarian, conservationist, and crusader for women’s rights. He was a missionary, linguist, Bible translator, and lover of the people of India. 

He labored to bring hope to India and never returned to England in the 41 years until his death. 

When asked what he would want said about him, he replied, 

“I can plod. I can persevere in any definite pursuit. To this, I owe everything.”

Plod on, folks. That is enough.
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POEM

It doesn’t have to be
the blue iris, it could be
weeds in a vacant lot, or a few
small stones; just
pay attention, then patch
a few words together and don’t try
to make them elaborate, this isn’t
a contest but the doorway
into thanks, and a silence in which
another voice may speak

-an excerpt from Thirst: Poems by Mary Oliver

I love this simple vision of gathering a few moments of attention, then gathering a few words together, and then growing in prayer. Pray, and don’t give up fellas.  

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

In addition, I wanted to let you know that along with my best mate Darren Whitehead, I run a non-profit to help pastors keep going in ministry and finish well. It's called Hold Fast, and you can find more details here. High-end, free events with zero upsell, simply to bless and refresh folks so they don’t give up. 

the most controversial thing I did as a dad

Hey folks. 

I wanted to take a moment to thank everyone who responded to my last email. I tried to reply to as many as I could personally, and I really appreciated the feedback.

The most significant feedback received was that the preference is for a combination of long and short emails. So, stay tuned; I will mix them up moving forward.

Now, let's move on to this week’s email about the most controversial thing I did as a dad when raising my kids.

"The biggest big business in America is not steel, automobiles, or television. It is the manufacture, refinement, and distribution of anxiety."

Eric Sevareid, in 1964

"Only be strong and very courageous…"

Joshua 1:7

When I was younger, I started a gang.
To join it, you had to lick a 9-volt battery as a part of the initiation.
This gang was for my kids, called the "The Dangerous Kids Club."

I got the idea from this book called 50 Dangerous Things (You Should Let Your Children Do), and I launched out with my wife’s blessing.

We live in a world where kids are constantly taught to be fearful. 
This is the most anxious generation yet, and it doesn’t seem things will change soon. Our culture seems powerless to stop it. In some ways, it seems there is even an investment in keeping us anxious.

In The Comfort Crisis, Michael Easter notes the mainstreaming of anxiety for a generation of kids.

Scientists at New York University identify 1990 as the beginning of helicopter parenting. The researchers say that’s when many parents stopped allowing their children to go outside unsupervised until they were as old as 16 due to unfounded, media-driven fears of kidnapping. We’ve now deteriorated from helicopter parenting to snowplow parenting. These parents violently force any and all obstacles out of their child’s path. Preventing kids from exploring their edges is largely thought to be the cause of the abnormally high and growing rates of anxiety and depression in young people. A study found that anxiety and depression rates in college students rose roughly 80 percent in the generation just after helicopter parenting began.

Helicopters and snowplows. Seeds of anxiety with such good intent. 

I have written before about the three most research-backed things that make a good father: 

1. Emotional safety and affection

2. Shielding kids from unnecessary stress and anxiety

3. A healthy relationship with your spouse 

The first and third ones are obvious, but that middle one is often overlooked. In our desire to shield our kids from anxiety, we have overcompensated and facilitated it in their lives.

Which is why the Dangerous Kids Club was such a hit with my kids.

It changed the way I parented. So much of what I previously did was based on caution and fear. My default answer to my kids was "no." The number one phrase I said at playgrounds was "be careful."

Now, if you know me, you know my commitment to safe and appropriate boundaries.
You know my vision and commitment to creating an environment of emotional safety for my kids growing up.

However, I was worried that the cultural anxiety was unnecessarily becoming their anxiety. It was being projected on them, not coming from them.

I wanted to raise resilient kids, full-hearted kids, and compassionate kids. All of which require bravery. 

I wanted to help them fear God and not much else.
I wanted to move them into their calling and confidence.
I wanted them to hear yes more than no.

So, the Dangerous Kids Club was born.

We would do an activity each week that pushed them to face their fear and lean into courage. Nothing crazy, but enough to help them see they were more capable than they knew. These micro adventures began to change our family culture. 

When my son was at the park and asked me to watch him on the swing, instead of saying, "Be careful," I would ask, "How high can you go?"

When my daughter rode her scooter down Broadway, I would yell, "Faster, faster" instead of, "Slow down." 

They started to get the sense that this was God's world, that He was with them, 
and they were going to be ok.

Over time, they came to need it. 

In some ways being raised in Manhattan was its own version of a Dangerous Kids Club. They had to learn to take the subway on their own at the age of 10. They had to learn to navigate complex social situations with strangers in the streets. They had to learn to own their faith in a secular city. 

Over time, the Dangerous Kids Club became our family culture. Risk became the 4th pillar of our family values. 
__________________________________

The truth is that we can’t shield our kids from reality, but we can prepare them for it.

My son did a gap year that pushed him to his limits and gave him a heart for the nations, serving in Nepal, Guatemala, South Africa, Turkey, and Hawaii. 

My daughter moved to Tennessee, which, for New Yorkers, can feel like a foreign country, too!

When I discipled my daughter through her version of the Primal Path, we would start each morning with a Bible verse and a quote.

The verse was Proverbs 31:25, which says, "She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come."

And this gem from Frederick Buechner, "Here is the world, beautiful and terrible things will happen, don’t be afraid."

I did not know then, but I can see so clearly now that the Dangerous Kids Club was really for me. I had to confront my own fears of failure as a dad. I had to face my fear of control, reputation, and insecurities. I needed to say "yes" to the danger of entrusting them into God's hands, surrendering outcomes, and launching them into the world through love.

It hasn’t been easy, and at times, anxiety rises in my own heart, but I am learning to laugh at the days to come, even in the face of the beautiful, terrible things.

Make this a week to say "yes" to your kids.

A week where they learn they do not have to be afraid.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers 

Jon.

getting the second half right

Hey folks,

Jon here. I hope you are all well. I am at a Forming Men retreat in Texas, and currently sick, but rather than sending nothing, I thought I would resend one of my most commented-on emails of all time. This email list has grown considerably since I sent this, so if you are new I hope it stirs you. If it’s a reread, I hope it hits home all over again.

Cheers.

Jon. 

"Success has little to teach us during the second half of life. It continues to feel good, but now it is often more an obstacle to maturity than a positive stimulus toward it."

Ronald Rolheiser

Last summer I did a deep dive into midlife psychology. 
I was dropping my daughter off at college and on the verge of becoming an empty nester. I was going through a passage of life as dramatic as any as I had faced in a decade.

I was looking for guides who had navigated this complex territory and could walk me through the valley of these middle years. A guide to help me traverse the middle passage. Somewhere on 95 South, in the hills of Virginia, I heard an explanation from a psychologist names James Hollis that stunned me. It was around the concept of the first and second adulthood. Hollis is a Jungian analyst, and one of Rohr and Rolheisers secret sources. His framing of the midlife transition hit me like a straight right.

THE FIRST ADULTHOOD: HEROIC THINKING

In our later teens and earlier twenties, we live with a kind of heroic thinking. We are confident and determined to get life right, make a difference, be successful. Fresh out of college and becoming aware of how life actually works we resolve to work hard, find love, build a beautiful life.

We are also aware of the failures of the previous generation and those who raised us. We cannot understand how they made the mistakes they did, gave into the temptations of sex, money, power, over consumption, and the ideologies of their day. We resolve in our hearts to do better than they did, to do the work of righting their wrongs--living with integrity, navigating with wisdom, refusing to compromise. We resolve not to make the same mistakes they did, and are sure we never will.

This kind of heroic thinking is necessary to move the world forward. The energy and effort of people in their twenties is a true gift, with a kind of idealism the world needs for the stubborn forces of history to yield to the concerns of the emerging generation.

Heroic thinking thrusts people through their twenties and thirties. 

Accomplishment, recognition, measurable progress, making the world a better place. Determination, energy, vision, ambition. These are in large supply.

But somewhere in our late thirties we become aware of one glaring oversight. As much as the world needs to change, we become aware that we need to change. The problems aren’t just "out there" in the systems and structures, we realize they are in us, that brokenness stems from the soul and the spirit. As Tolstoy said, "Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."

Coming to terms with this slow realization can cause a descent into disillusionment. Upon forced reflection we see the things we condemned in others we have justified in ourselves. That which we swore to never do becomes what we have done. In shock we realize we have compromised in the same ways as the previous generation. Without our permission, we are forced into a confrontation with ourselves. In this confrontation, heroics are futile.

THE SECOND ADULTHOOD, MEANING AND WONDER

The beginning of the second adulthood is about ruthless honesty with ourselves and deep introspection. We need to come to terms with who we actually are, not who we wish we could be. We have to acknowledge our weakness, break our addiction to the immediate and spectacular, and cultivate a new kind of life. We have to learn to tend to the things we have neglected and dismissed in our pursuit of mission, impact, and change.

But what makes this so hard is that we are facing things in ourselves we don’t know how to confront. We find that though we may be experts in impact, we can be infants in insight. We are forced to confront that which has been buried in the soil of our ambition, the dark stuff of the soul that if not tended to will poison the public fruit of our lives.

But this is painful, and thus the beginning of the midlife crisis.

If we refuse to enter the second adulthood we will try and relive the first one. We will relapse into a frenetic energy that makes us think that more accomplishment, more success, more change, more recognition will fix the midlife malaise, but alas, we are simply delaying the inevitable.

That’s why people divorce their spouse for a younger person, one who is more enamored by the success of our heroic effort and less aware of our inner brokenness. 
Those more impressed by what we have, and what we have achieved than who we are inside. Those drawn to our success, but not our souls.

Believing we can push off this confrontation with ourselves, a kind of midlife wanderlust and nostalgia for our adolescence kicks in, a drive to reclaim a nostalgic past, or grasp that which we fear we may never have.

But to choose to relive the first adulthood, and fail to enter the second one is to commit to immaturity.

There is a kind of glorious freedom in acknowledging our weaknesses and limitations as we age. A joy in not having to be everywhere, do everything, fix everyone, show up as the expert, solve all the problems. There is a new confidence and humility that emerges through a sober assessment about what we are good at, what we are called to, and what actually fills the heart.

This is a shift to meaning. Viktor Frankl wrote about the concept of Logotherapy, the role meaning plays in healing our souls. In the second adulthood we shift from accomplishment to meaning. Frankl says at this moment "we stop asking what we want from life, and start asking what life wants from us." At this point Jesus words sound truer than ever. We know it is useless to gain the world but lose our soul. We are slowly learning that there is nothing worth exchanging for the soul.

Then a shift to wonder. Wonder is different than amazement, different that the sensational, different than excitement. It’s about rediscovering the glory that’s been overlooked due to our accomplishment bias. Rabbi Lawrence Kushner wrote, "The 'burning bush' was not a miracle. It was a test. God wanted to find out whether or not Moses could pay attention to something for more than a few minutes. When Moses did, God spoke. The trick is to pay attention to what is going on around you long enough to behold the miracle without falling asleep. There is another world, right here within this one, whenever we pay attention."

Wonder is about depth, notice, simplicity, and joy. Its learning to delight in the ordinary miracles happening all around us waiting for us to behold.

LEANING IN

I feel the gravity and cultural pressure to try and relive the first adulthood a second time. There can be a fear in a personality like mine of squandering ambition, not making enough of an impact, of wasting the rare gift of energy. But I am choosing to put away childish things for a second time. To enter the second adulthood with a mellowed intensity, to look more closely, slow down, bring my whole self, wounds and gifts, and learn to walk at a sacred pace.

I can tell you God is teaching me to pay a different kind of attention. And behold, the bush is burning in places I never noticed, and I’m in the middle of a war to fight off the sleep.

YOUR JOURNEY

If you are in your first adulthood, fueled by longing, dreams urgency and vision, enjoy this season as it is. Live fully to the hilt. It’s your desire for change and holy discontent that brings the reformation we desperately need. It’s your insistence that things can be better that confronts much of the brokenness in our world. Stay humble, but feed your frustration and fuel your passion. Reformative energy is a gift to us all.

Maybe you are in entering this middle passage, you are trying to make sense of your changing ambition, narrowing vision, and growing frustration. Stay the course. Lean into what God is doing in you, not just through you. There will be fruit from this pruning, painful though it may be.

Perhaps you are well into your second adulthood. A sage in the making, a guide for those behind. We need you. We need mentors who can help us age with hope, deepen without fear, and leave a godly legacy for the generations to come.

May God give you grace in whatever season you are in to pass the test, behold the burning bush, and take off your shoes in the holy place that is your life.

Cheers.

Jon

Also, folks, some exciting news. Jefferson and I have been working hard to launch our brand new Forming Men Podcast. We hope to make this a place where we can discuss and process the cultural moment we are in as men. The podcast is available anywhere you listen (Spotify, Apple Podcasts, etc.). You can also watch the full episodes on YouTube here.

a man like you in a time like this

"It seems to me that I have greater peace and am close to God when I am not ‘trying to be a contemplative,’ or trying to be anything special, but simply orienting my life fully and completely towards what seems to be required of a man like me at a time like this."

Thomas Merton

"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you

but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

Micah 6:8 

We are all trying to figure out what kind of men we are meant to be in the world today.

In the past, many identity issues for men were resolved when a man went to work. For the most part, his job and a couple of hobbies went on to define him. A small collection of brand choices let you know who he was. You could tell a man by the place he worked, the team he supported, what he drank at a BBQ, and his favorite band. You knew his faith by the denomination he was a part of and the translation he read. Of course, there were insecurities and longings below the surface, but most men didn’t fixate on them, delay responsibilities, and orient their lives on a quest for self-expression. They accepted their lot, did their jobs, and tried to find joy in the smaller moments of life. 

These days, most men struggle with who they are meant to be for most of their lives. Identity is performative, fluid, weaponized, and criticized. Our careers change, profiles and resumes matter, and as time creeps on we can have a gnawing sense that we haven’t amounted to the kind of man we are meant to be. We are still trying to be something special, something to live up to.

For many men today, they are ever achieving but never becoming. 

This can cause us to hustle and chase trends to fit in and fill the void. We can follow one leader, or teaching, or idea to another because we have a sense that this is who we are meant to be.

Why are you trying to be?

I think that’s why so many men feel exhausted. Living up to some cultural standard or ideal either inside the church or outside in the world creates performance, pride, shame, and fatigue. Most of the anxiety, sadness, and frustration I see in the hearts of men today comes from failing to become the thing they are meant to be.

That’s why I love Merton’s insight so much. 

It seems to me that I have greater peace and am close to God when I am not "trying to be a contemplative," or trying to be anything special, but simply orienting my life fully and completely towards what seems to be required of a man like me at a time like this.

The truth is we never find God’s peace and presence by trying to "be someone" or be "something." We get it by simply doing what is required of us in the moments we have.

You don’t become a servant leader by going on a mega quest of humility. You get it by listening to people, being inconvenienced, and sacrificing your time and energy when people need it from you.  

You don’t become godly by going to a ministry school, seminary, or international trip. You become godly by walking with God in the everyday stuff of life. By being kind to your annoying coworker, patient with your wife when she forgets things, and joyful when your kids are driving you crazy. You get it in the early morning quiet and fight for devotional time when the schedules seem maxed out.

And you get it by doing what life asks of you. 

Facing cancer or illness with strength and dignity. 

Walking with a friend through depression and anxiety or wrestling with your own.

Dealing with family tensions and generational cycles so that you extend blessing and not dysfunction to those around you. 

Viktor Frankly wrestled deeply with this when he was in the Nazi death camps. 

Stripped of his vocation, preferences, identity, and work, he learned a deeper truth.

A man is not defined by what he wants from life, but by how he responds to what life wants from him.

In Man’s Search for Meaning, he wrote:

It did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life—daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual.

Stop trying to be someone, and start being present to those around you. 

What is being asked of you?

Who needs something from you?

What challenges are yours and yours alone to handle?

What is needed from you here, now, today?

That’s where the peace is. That’s where the true sense of dignity and accomplishment and meaning are found. Not in becoming something, but becoming someone, a man like Jesus who fully oriented himself to what was asked of him in his time. 

What haunting lines.

"Orienting my life fully and completely towards what seems to be required of a man like me at a time like this."

May God give you grace this week to reorient your life away from the quest of project-self and into a life of love. May he show you what’s required of a man like you in the times you find yourself in.

God has entrusted these troubled, anxious, divided, and contentious times to men like you.

Let’s meet them with presence and love.

Thanks for reading,

Cheers

Jon.

pardon or parole

"My deepest awareness of myself is that I am deeply loved by Jesus Christ and I have done nothing to earn it or deserve it."
Brennan Manning

"it is by grace you have been saved, through faith —and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast"
Ephesians 2:8-9

Many men struggle to accept their full forgiveness in Christ. Grace is such a humbling concept that it’s hard to get it into the marrow of our spiritual bones. It can be hard to enjoy the gift. This is never more true than when we struggle with sin after we come to faith.

It’s hard to believe that God’s grace is truly free. Hard to believe we don’t have to pay him back. Hard to believe that we stay in the kingdom by grace and not by works. Hard to believe his grace is for us.

So many men are stuck in the rehearsed speech of the prodigal son and still feel awkward at the table of grace.

"Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son."

Many men are still trying to pay the father back for their years of rebellion and sin. Many men are still trying to be worthy. Many see themselves as servants, not sons. 

In a recent prayer meeting, Sam Gibson said a one-liner that has haunted me all week.

"Thank you, God, that we are pardoned and not paroled."

He was referencing the invitation God gives in Isaiah 55. 

"Let them turn to the LORD, and he will have mercy on them, and to our God, for he will freely pardon."

Full pardon. Free pardon. What a concept.

I think a lot of men feel like they are on parole in the kingdom of God. They have to be good or they will be sentenced back to shame and sin and condemnation. They have to stay out of trouble long enough to show they have truly changed; they have to stay within close proximity to morality to prove they are fit to live in a kingdom of love. 

Men like this will live from half their hearts. They will never be free. Free to love, free to risk, free to give themselves away. 

Richard Lovelace reminds us that, "Christians who are no longer sure that God loves and accepts them in Jesus, apart from their present spiritual achievements, are subconsciously radically insecure persons."

Just as your salvation was secured by grace, your sanctification is powered by grace. Your security is in him. You don’t have to earn your way to him. You don’t have to pay God back. You don’t have to live with shame in the servants’ quarters of your father’s house.

I want to remind you today of the beauty and power of the gospel. I want to remind you of what has been accomplished for you. I want to remind you of who you truly are.

Jesus has made a full atonement for your sin; not cosigned a loan that you pay back.

Christ died to bring you to God, not give you the chance to earn your way home.

Jesus became sin so we can become righteousness, not "give us a chance to change." 

Prayer is not checking in with your parole officer to tell him how good you have been this week.

Prayer is not proof that you are staying out of trouble. 

Prayer is not a reminder of what you have to do.

Prayer is where we go to get grace, not earn it.

Hebrews 4:16 reminds us,

"Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

You are united with Christ.

Your pardon is full and free because of what he has done.

Grace is better than you think.

Go to him for more. 

You are not on parole; you are pardoned.

You can live from a free heart and enjoy your forgiveness.

You have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous one. He has made the full atonement for your sin.

Brothers, the fattened calf is ready; there is a place at the table with your name on it.

I don’t know about you, but I am having seconds.

I am going to enjoy celebrating in the Father’s house.

You are not on parole; you are forgiven and loved.

It’s time to feast.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

the best way to fight is to avoid the war

 "Lead us not into temptation." 

Jesus

"The greatest victory isn't found in overcoming your opponent through strength, cleverness, or force of will. It's in avoiding the battle altogether."

Sun Tzu

This week I want to help you avoid temptation so you don’t even have to wrestle with it.

This is important because so much of the shame men feel in their lives comes from giving in to temptation. It makes sense then that so much has been written about men and temptation.

• "Know when you are susceptible! (BHALT. Bored, hungry, angry, lonely, tired)"

• "Claim promises! James 4:7 - Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

• "Quote the Bible and talk back to the Devil. Jesus did. (Matthew 4)"

James Clear’s stuff on "Identity resistance" is strong, and James 1:14-15 tells us the process of temptation: Desire, Decision, Disobedience, Death.

Much good has been written on these ideas, but I want to address something that happens before these moments. Before we are caught up fighting the integrity war. I want to talk about recognizing and resisting temptation before it even happens. 

When I was a new believer, I wrestled deeply to kill sin. I was working in a butcher shop that was not a native environment for a holy life. I would come into work and the other guys would pin up porn in front of my workspace at the start of my day. It was a daily battle. During a catch-up with one of my mentors to process how to deal with the thoughts that kept creeping into my head, he dropped a Martin Luther quote I have reflected on for over 30 years:

"You cannot keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair."

So much of what we are talking about with temptation is getting nests out of our hair. That is essential to understand, but I am trying to get upstream on that. I’m working on not letting the bird land in the first place. But that is easier said than done. Jesus told us not to pray for strength in temptation (though we should); he prayed that we wouldn’t even go down its path. Is it possible to deal with temptation before it begins?

This had me thinking about metacognitive therapy and intrusive thoughts. The way we see temptation is as much a key as how we fight it. Temptation seems to sneak in and intrude on us without our permission. It just arrives and demands a response. So I was thinking about some ways to frame these thoughts so I don’t even start the conversation with temptation. While reading "If Only," I came across these frames for resisting tempting thoughts before you engage them. I hope they stir some fresh ways of thinking so that you don’t have to fight the integrity battle because you refuse to engage in the first place.

Here are a few ways to fight the battle by avoiding it.

THE SPAM CALL

Most of us receive at least a few spam calls a week. Somehow we make it onto someone’s list and they come at us. I had a guy call several times a week asking me to contribute to a police department somewhere upstate. I answered once when I didn’t recognize the number, listened to his spiel, and never answered again. I put on some iPhone focus settings and downloaded an app that makes it impossible for someone to leave a voicemail on my phone. 

I try and view temptation like that. My internal processing goes something like this when I see a temptation coming at me: "Oh, I know who this is. This is going to be some tempting thing trying to sucker me into giving my integrity away. Ignore." 

It's important that you ignore temptation, and not just politely decline. True story - once in my early twenties I politely declined my way into a magazine subscription for my favorite magazines that lasted 3 years from a random phone call. 

Straight to voice mail. No engagement. 

THE SCAM EMAIL

I have had several friends get scammed by email. Phishing techniques are getting more and more credible, but some of them are obvious. 

Remember the Nigerian Prince email Scam? The kind man trying to sneak 53 million dollars out of his country who would cut you in on a third of it if he could run it through your account. If you would just send your numbers over…

These days you don’t open emails like that because you know it’s a scam. You just delete it and don’t give it another thought. We need to learn to see temptation that way. When thoughts like these come into your head:

"Why don’t you try and get back at her; revenge is worth it."

"You deserve this."

"God will understand and forgive; he’s kind like that."

"It's just this one time."

"You can start again tomorrow."

Don’t open. Delete. This is all just the same lie designed to lure you into sin.

Recognize. Renounce. Move on.

THE WRONG TRAIN

When I first moved to New York City in 2005, I didn’t know how the subways worked. There were no apps back then, and I didn’t know the difference between the 1, 2, or 3 trains. They were all red-colored, and I thought they would take me on the "red" line. I will never forget the first time I got lost. I was trying to get to the Upper West Side where we lived and thought any of the red trains would take me there. I needed the 1 train but jumped on the 2 train. But at some point, the 2 train turned into the express train and took me 30 blocks away from where I was headed. I got a free tour of Harlem that day. (Double Dutch Espresso is strong)

Paying careful attention to the train you want to get on is important. Paying attention to where your thoughts will take you is even more so. For example,

Imagine yourself standing on the platform of a busy train station in New York City, waiting for subway number 1, which will take you to your Air BNB. The number 2 and 3 trains come into the station, but you don’t get on them. Those are the rumination trains, but you are only getting on train 1. It’s not here yet, so let the other trains go by.

THE FIRST STEP ON THE PATH.

Psalm 1 talks about the importance of choosing the right path.

Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked

or stand in the way that sinners take

or sit in the company of mockers.

Walk. Stand. Sit.

This slow progression will kill you. It's better not to even get on the path.

If you are on the right road, you can avoid the wicked, the temptation of sinners, and the mockers who are more popular than ever.

Keep walking. It's not worth even taking a step on that path.

SETTING THE LORD BEFORE YOU

Psalms 16:7-9 is one of the most potent sections of scripture in the bible. It reads:

I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.

I keep my eyes always on the LORD. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure.

Council, instruction, stability, a glad heart, and rest. This is what comes when we welcome his presence. This is what happens when we resist temptation. 

Set the Lord before you; you will not be shaken.

I know temptation is lurking everywhere as a man these days. It comes out of nowhere, and it comes fast. It comes in a sweet voice, and it seems to make logical sense.

But my prayer for you is that you will increase in discernment this year.

That you will get upstream on temptation and get on with your life.

That the energy deployed in the struggle against the same old sins will be reallocated to love.

The best battles are the ones you never have to fight.

Avoid well brothers.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

your attention is being held hostage; here’s how to get it back

“It is no coincidence that ours is a time afflicted by a widespread sense of attentional crisis, at least in the West - one captured by the phrase 'homo distractus,' a species of ever shorter attention span known for compulsively checking his devices."
Tim Wu

“In our interconnected society, perpetually online and bombarded with stimuli, digital technology has taken our focus hostage…”
Darren Whitehead

Last year I sensed my attention being stolen away in small increments. I actually felt my focus being taken hostage. When I got my weekly “screen time” updates on how much time I was looking at the small glowing screen, it simply amazed me.

We talk about tech all the time and the way it robs us of our passion and presence, but I noticed it this past year. I actually felt my attention span shrinking.  

• I couldn’t watch a documentary all the way through without taking a break.

• I couldn’t sit at dinner with my wife without picking my phone up to “just check a few things.”

• I’d be in the prayer room and get distracted by an alert, only to lift my eyes 10 minutes later and realize I was in a wormhole, unable to remember why I originally even looked at my phone. 

Have you felt small things like that? 

Small things that if left unattended may become big things. 

Small things that are slowly eroding how you show up in the world?

So with Lent coming up, I am doing something I have never done before. I am doing a digital fast. People have talked about this in the past. Lots of people “fast social media for Lent,” but I am hoping this will lead to something more permanent and transformative than that.

You see, this past year I fell in love with intermittent fasting. Somehow the thing I did for Lent made its way into my life. The practice became permanent. Not in a crazy way, but in a way that has stuck. 16/8 may not mean anything to you, but it has changed my intentionality and relationship with food. The Lent season became a lifestyle transformation, and I am hoping the same thing sticks with tech on this digital fast.

I got this idea from my mate Darren Whitehead, who took his whole church through a “Digital Fast.” He has a large church and somehow managed to get thousands of people to reorient their attention away from their devices and back on Jesus. It was a kind of move of God. Teenagers with dumb phones playing outside are a sign and wonder in the modern world. I was so intrigued by the sociological and spiritual dynamics; I knew this was what I was going to do for Lent this year.

(BTW He wrote a book about this experience that you can check out here. And he has a way for churches to do this as a communal experience if you are interested. Click here for more details.)

A digital fast can take many forms. Some go full send and don’t touch any tech. That approach isn’t going to work for me. But I am going to reduce and restrict my tech and media consumption in ways I never have before. And I am doing this because I am trying to make some shifts in my life.

MOVING FROM THE SHALLOWS TO THE DEPTHS

John Eldredge talks about the 3 layers of the heart. The shallows, the midlands, and the depths. My take on that is the shallows are about cultural chatter, the midlands personal struggles, and the depths are the things we are afraid to mention.

Devices keep us caught up in cultural chatter and trivia, which we often use to medicate the challenges of the midlands of our lives. But I want to get to the depths this year. I want to get below the surface of my life to what the Spirit may be whispering to me. And that is going to require space and boredom. 

We are terrified of being bored today, but it turns out boredom is a portal to the depths. 

According to Dr. Felicia Wu Song, boredom has many benefits. When we are bored, part of our brain awakens. This is the part of our brain that activates self-reflection, empathizes with others, and galvanizes creativity. Research has found when we remove boredom from our lives, there is certain brain activity that remains unstimulated. Self-reflection. Empathy and creativity.

Distraction is robbing us of our sense of self, empathy for others, and creative contribution from our hearts. I am doing a digital fast to get to the depths. 

I want to feel more deeply, listen to more life with more attention, and recover some of the creativity that has been crowded out with all the chatter. 

CONSUMER TO CREATOR

Tim Wu has pointed out, "When an online service is free, you're not the customer. You're the product."

I’m sick of being the product. I’m sick of customized ads getting more precise with every click and like I make.  

"One man, after receiving a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer, found himself followed everywhere with ‘insensitive and tasteless’ ads for funeral services.” 

What a moment of clarity of what is really happening in all of our lives. 

I’m sick of the illusion that consuming things is the same thing as caring about things. That watching something is the same thing as working for something.

I want to reset the consumption-to-creation ratio and create more space for what God has put in my heart and try and get out to bless the world. 

DISTANCE TO INTIMACY

Wu goes on to talk about how tech has changed the nature of our relationships. 

In 1956, two psychologists, Donald Horton and Richard Wohl, would conclude that television's representation of celebrities was carefully constructed to create an "illusion of intimacy" —to make viewers believe that they actually were developing a relationship with the famous people on TV. Certain techniques…  produced this effect: recourse to small talk, the use of first names, and close-ups, among others, acted to close the gap between the audience and the guests, engendering the sense in the viewer of being "part of a circle of friends."

The two coined the term “para-social interaction” to describe this "intimacy at a distance."

I don’t want a life of para-social interaction. I don’t want to know more about what brand athletes are wearing than the classes my daughter is taking. I don’t want to know where a celebrity likes to eat if I am too busy to take my wife out for a meal.

I want true social interaction. I want intimacy up close. I want to be a better husband and father by knowing the depths of my family’s hearts, not the details of strangers’ lives. 

A FASTED LIFESTYLE

Just like intermittent fasting stuck around after Lent last year, I’m hoping digital fasting will too. I’m hoping it will make me more conscious about tech consumption and help me reclaim my attention. As Mary Oliver notes, attention is the beginning of devotion.

Devotion to God.

Devotion to family.

Devotion to friends.

I hope you’ll join me on my digital fast.

Thanks for reading.

Here for the depths.

Cheers.

Jon.

how to fight well in 2024

"Then war broke out in heaven."

Revelation 12:7

"God has everyone and everything that's surrounding you surrounded."

Louie Giglio

"The nature of the enemy's warfare in your life is to cause you to become discouraged and to cast away your confidence. Not that you would necessarily discard your salvation, but you could give up your hope of God's deliverance. The enemy wants to numb you into a coping kind of Christianity that has given up hope of seeing God's resurrection power."

Bob Sorge

Happy New Year folks.

One of my major goals in 2024 is to learn to fight well. And I hope you will join me.

Most of you know I am a Charismatic by theological background.

I became a Christian in the AOG and have never been able to shake, dismiss, or deconstruct the power of God I encountered in my formative years.

Yet it’s tragic how much damage has been done to people and churches because of bad charismatic teaching on spiritual warfare.

Many narcissistic leaders call accountability "spiritual attack."

Challenging toxic cultures is labeled as "spiritual attack." 

Normal hardships are labeled as "spiritual attack."  

The tragedy of much of this is that it has made us cynical about genuine spiritual warfare.

Yet when you look at the way Satan is described in the bible, you can see his devastating impact on the lives of so many men today. Satan is still at war; he’s at war with you.

Satan is called the tempter.

He has had thousands of years to study the human condition and knows exactly what works. In Luke 4 he came when Jesus was weak and left for a "more opportune time."

Satan is called the accuser of the brethren.

When we do fall into temptation, he rubs our face in it, trying to get us to hide and wallow in a cycle of shame. 

Satan roams around looking to devour men.

When we are isolated and hiding, he piles it on and begins to devour our lives piece by piece. Vision goes, intimacy with God goes, integrity goes, relationships go, and then our lives feel irreparably broken.

Satan comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

He wants to take what’s yours, kill life where he can find it, and wreak havoc on the work God has done in you.

There is such a thing as legitimate, devastating, spiritual attack. 

JESUS CAME TO FIGHT

We have to learn to resist naïve spiritual passivity. I’ve written about this before (violent with the spirit and gentle with the person). Fighting was central and not incidental to the mission of Jesus. He wasn’t just a teacher walking around with a new take on the scriptures. He was in a war, and the stakes were high.  

1 John 3:8 says, "The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the devil’s work." 

Jesus came to give life and Jesus came to destroy. Jesus came for a fight. 

BUT HOW?

Often this is the point where it gets weird quickly. People start making prophetic pronouncements about presidents. People start binding and loosing and making decrees.  

Or they map the demonic onto people and misdirect their spiritual energy. I have said before if you don’t believe in demons, you demonize people. If you don’t believe in spiritual war, you’ll give yourself to cultural war. 

Or we get so cynical about any of this stuff that we end up tolerating the things that kill us or take shrapnel along the way. 

So how do we respond? 

The best advice I’ve received on how to fight well is so simple yet so profound.

Spiritual warfare is living in the opposite spirit of the attack.

This is in so many ways Jesus’ approach to warfare.

Satan told Jesus to eat; he fasted.

Satan told Jesus to throw himself off the temple; Jesus washed feet.

Satan told Jesus he could have the world; Jesus chose the cross.

The Pharisees wanted purity; Jesus befriended sinners.

The Seduces wanted power; Jesus was a servant.

The Essenes wanted separation; Jesus shared his table.  

The Zealots offered violence; Jesus turned the other cheek.

When we are tempted, we should live in the opposite spirit of the attack. 

This is the way of Jesus and warfare.

If you feel lonely and isolated, don’t turn inward. Reach out to 3 or 4 people and check in. 

Feeling beat down? Text 5 people a word of encouragement immediately.

Feeling greedy? Go online and give to a ministry you care about right then.

Feeling angry. Do something kind to the next person you see.

Struggling with lust? Pray for the women in your church to flourish in their faith.

And do this with holy defiance.

Spiritual warfare is living in the opposite spirit of the attack.

Satan wants to destroy you by getting you to live in the opposite of your calling.

-Ravi Zacarias was an apologist who ended up discrediting the faith. 

-Driscoll yelled at men to take responsibility, and then he bailed on Mars Hill.

-Carl Lentz reached celebrities for Jesus, and he became famous for his sin.

I only mention this as a warning of the way the enemy works. 

He wants you to live the opposite of your call.

You need to live in the opposite spirit of his attack. 

THE FIGHT AHEAD

Matthew Perry was a man who knew about fighting his shadows. Behind the veneer of success, he wrestled with addiction, shame, and despair. Yet he was woken up to the importance of his war in a comment by Martin Sheen. In his memoir, Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing, he writes, 

Martin Sheen turned to me and said, "Do you know what Saint Peter says to everyone who tries to get into heaven?" When I looked blankly, the man who was once president said, "Peter says, 'Don't you have any scars?' And when most would respond proudly, 'Well no, no I don't,' Peter says, 'Why not? Was there nothing worth fighting for?'"

There is so much worth fighting for this year.

Fight for intimacy with God. Fight for your marriage. Fight for your kids. Fight for your community. Fight for integrity. Fight despair.

1 Peter 5:8-9 says this:

Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith.

I pray that you will learn to fight in the way of Jesus this year. 

The way of love, courage, sacrifice, and joy.

And remember, you don’t just have the opposite spirit; you have the Holy Spirit.

The Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead, the Spirit that empowered Jesus’ ministry, the Spirit of truth.

Let’s walk in that Spirit, in 2024.

Here to fight alongside you.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon. 

P.S. If you are looking for a book on Jesus’ way of warfare to start 2024, you can check out Beautiful Resistance. I cover how to fight exhaustion, apathy, fear, hate, cynicism, and more.

called versus driven men

"When death, the great Reconciler, has come, it is never our tenderness that we repent of, but our severity."
George Eliot, Adam

"I am gentle and humble of heart."
Jesus

I have been a driven man for as long as I can remember.

Though easygoing on the surface, there is an internal drive I have wrestled with since I was a kid. I am intensely competitive, require very little external motivation, and can give myself to my work in ways that are borderline unhealthy.

But something happened this year, here in the middle years of my life, that I did not see coming. I lost my drive. The deep well within me, the one of ambition and accomplishment, simply dried up. It’s hard to articulate, yet it's as clear as this: I am no longer a driven man. 

I am not driven to accomplish things for God to earn his favor.

I am not driven by external metrics to make sure "I am doing enough."

I am not driven by the expectations of others or the needs of the crowd. 

I am not a driven man, and this is disorienting to me. 

Something new has sprung up from a deep place within. Something better than a well. A sense of call. God has shown me who I am and who I am not, and there is a tremendous sense of freedom to live as he has made me to be and nothing else. I don’t feel like I have lost a competitive advantage. I don’t feel I’ve gotten lazy or soft. I just feel… joy.

Driven men can get a lot done, but do a lot of damage along the way.

Driven men can draw a crowd, but rarely see the humanity among them.

Driven men can make an impact, but they can also neglect those closest to them.

Driven men can change the world, but often this comes at the expense of change that needs to happen in them.

I can only reference this because it’s something I read about many years ago in my early thirties; although, it’s something that’s taken me another 15 years to experience first-hand. 

In his classic book Ordering Your Private World, Gordon MacDonald talks about the difference between being a called versus driven man. I have written his thoughts in italics and then put a couple of diagnostic questions underneath so you can see if you are a called or driven man.

1. A driven man is most often gratified only by accomplishment. 

Am I measuring my value as a person based on my latest project, meeting,

outcomes, or differences I perceive myself to be making?

2. A driven man is preoccupied with the symbols of accomplishment. 

Do I continually obsess over my social media presence? Do I feel a need to be recognized by my peers in my workplace or industry?

3. A driven man is usually caught in the uncontrolled pursuit of expansion. 

Am I moving things forward so I can say that we are moving things forward, or

because this is the Spirit-led, wise, healthy, next step for my life, family, and mission?

4. Driven men tend to have a limited regard for integrity.

Am I cutting corners under the guise of effectiveness and impact? Am I exaggerating, lying, or telling partial truths to paint a better picture than what is actually happening? Am I emotionally attaching myself to things or people to medicate loneliness, fatigue, or sadness?

5. Driven men are not likely to bother themselves with the honing of people skills. 

Am I using people to build myself, or am I serving to build people up? Am I defensive, inaccessible, or standoffish to those who cannot help build my "thing" in a tangible way?

6. Driven men tend to be highly competitive. 

Am I constantly visiting other people’s profiles or websites to compare how I am doing against them? When other people speak well of others, am I sliding in comments that undermine their credibility? Am I judging others’ motives in ways that are based on jealousy of their recognition and success?

7. A driven person often possesses a volcanic force of anger, which can erupt anytime he senses opposition or disloyalty. 

Am I kind to people who work with and for me but venting or exploding to my spouse or children? Do I handle criticism with humility, searching for the kernel of truth, or do I push back in hostility?

8. Driven people are usually abnormally busy, and averse to play, and usually avoid spiritual worship. 

Am I sabotaging Sabbath to accomplish more? Do my spouse, children, and friends find me enjoyable to be around, or snappy and irritable?

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to be a driven man.

CALLED MEN

Jesus wasn’t driven; he was called. Called to the work the Father gave him, called to be a beloved son, called to glorify the Lord, and called to die a seemingly untimely death where the majority of what he gave himself for would not be realized in his time on earth. Yet Jesus lived with kindness, passion, conviction, and love.

I want to be a called man. 

1. Called people value obedience over results.

1 Corinthians 3 says we have each been given a task but it is God who makes things grow. Growth is the result of God’s sovereignty. There is no formula, conference talk, life hack, or podcast that can make God bless you. Called people delight in the affirmation of the Father, not the response of the crowd.

2. Called people focus on who they are becoming not only what they are achieving. 

The primary call in our lives is to become more like Jesus. Often in work, we can live in rhythms and patterns that draw us away from the love of God into an obsession with external results. But who we become is more important than what we achieve. We have all had disappointing encounters with people who are impressive from the outside but selfish and driven up close. Called people worry about becoming more like Jesus, not simply doing things for him.

3. Called people focus on the Day of Judgment rather than judging other people’s lives.

We are called to make sure our motives and leadership are pure and leave space for God to sort out the rest. 1 Corinthians 4:5 says, "Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait until the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of the heart. At that time each will receive their praise from God."

4. Called people celebrate God’s work in others without comparing or criticizing them. 

Comparison is the cancer of our public age. Called people rejoice when Jesus is lifted up and the Kingdom of God is advancing, even if they don’t get the recognition or credit.

5. Called leaders worry about the health of their people, not their platform or profile.

At the end of the day, we will all be pushed off the stage of history by the generation that comes behind us. I can even feel their hand on my back right now. Zinzendorf had it right: Preach the gospel, die, be forgotten. But be reunited with Christ in heaven with the saints in all their glory, readied for the New Heaven and Earth, transformed to rule and reign as a king and a priest forever. That’s a call big enough for the heart of any man alive and better than any ambition.

I'm praying as you begin to reflect on 2023 and turn your eyes to 2024, you look to his calling and not your drive. We need a generation of called men more than ever before.

Hoping you hear his voice with more clarity and kindness this week.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

Also folks, with it being the end of the year, Jefferson and I reworked some things and launched a nonprofit this year called Reforming Men. Our heart is to reach, disciple, and reform men across the world for the glory of Jesus. If you would like to support the organization with a tax-deductible donation, you can email jeff@formingmen.com for more details. Just let him know the amount on the email, and he’ll get you setup!

the most challenging question i have ever been asked about my marriage

"Love without sacrifice is like theft."
Nassim Nicholas Taleb

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her."
Ephesians 5:25 

This week I celebrated my twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. They call this the Silver Anniversary. But for all we have been through, it feels platinum for me. People don’t often stay married for a quarter of a century these days. 

It has been noted that celebrating an anniversary is more significant than celebrating a wedding. Weddings are magical and wondrous times. The bride in white, the groom in a tux, heart-rending music, and joy-filled receptions. Whole industries have sprung up around "the big day." Drone footage, sparklers, Instagram honeymoons, it's honestly kind of magic. But learning to celebrate the sustaining of a marriage is just as important as marking the start of one.  

Though it may not move you to tears, the tired couple straining to fit a nice dinner into an exhausting schedule may be an even deeper form of love. Saying vows in the middle of a celebration is one thing, keeping them in the middle of a weary life is another. Keeping our commitments should be celebrated as much as making our commitments. 

So to mark our 25 years, I took Christy back to where we met and fell in love, Toccoa Falls College. TFC sits on a magical campus in the middle of the North Georgia Mountains. It has a waterfall higher than Niagara Falls and is a breathtaking setting for needy and naive freshmen to fall in love. I took her there because I wanted to rekindle whatever flame we had lost through the long and difficult years. I wanted to go back on our silver anniversary to get the silver linings we needed to move ahead.

While walking the campus, I began to reflect on the hundreds of pieces of advice I have heard over the years about how to thrive in marriage. I’ve been given book recommendations, listened to sermons and been to weekends away. Much of it has been helpful, but it wasn’t any of these things that kept coming back to me on that trip. The thing that kept coming up is a question a mentor asked me in our early years of planting our church in New York. These were years in which I worked too much, was gone too often, and let languish the things that once gave me life. The question was simple but potent.

"Is your wife thriving BECAUSE of you or IN SPITE of you?"

God has used this one question more than any other to challenge and confront me over these many years. When we get married, we assume that we will be a deep source of love and joy for each other, but as time goes by, expectations go unmet, selfishness settles in, and we start to realize that the people who know us the best become the ones that can wound us the worst. 

As a result, we can be tempted to stop fighting for each other’s hearts and start fighting for our rights. And these can tempt us to route our needs and desires around those we are called to love the most. 

To be clear, I’m not talking about having an affair here (though tragically this often happens), but I am just talking about the slow realization that to get our needs met we have to route them around our partner, not through them. 

So how do we help our wives thrive? 

Ephesians 5 is remarkably clear: Nourish. Cherish. Wash. Sacrifice.

Nourish. All of us need an ongoing source of encouragement and care in our lives. Someone who will pay attention to the inner longings of our heart, nurture our calling, tend to our wounds, and feed our dreams. Be this for your wife. 

Cherish. I was at a men’s retreat several weeks back and I heard a man say this potent line. "Because women are so rarely cherished, they often settle for being occasionally desired." The more women age, the more they can feel insecure. There are impossible beauty standards to keep up with, a society obsessed with youth, the pornification of everything, and the pressure of both work and home. So it's important that your wife knows that you love her for who she is, not just who she was. Cultivate joy and gratitude for the woman she has become and the thousands of choices she has made to do life by your side. 

Wash. We live in a world of lies. Jesus said the truth will set us free. Gently remind your wife of who she is in Christ. Wash the lies of performance and shame away with the comfort of the gospel and the affirmation of your love. We live in a culture of accusation and critique. Speak with a voice of affirmation and hope.

Sacrifice. Jesus died for his church. That’s the standard for us. He never demanded; he always modeled. The word used for love in this passage is derived from agape. This is not the raw sexual attraction our culture assumes, but the steady, sacrificial giving of yourself for the thriving of another. We should constantly be asking what we can give up on behalf of our wives, not what we can get from them. To be honest, as husbands, we should be judged by how sacrificial we are in private, not how well we perform in public.

REPENTANCE AND REPAIR 

The reason I have never written a book on marriage is because I still have so far to go. Still so much to learn, still so much repentance and repair. There are huge sections of our years together when I was driven, selfish, and, to be honest, sacrificed my wife’s heart for myself. But I am grateful for her patience, the mercy found in the gospel, and the kindness of my wife’s heart. 

So, I want the next 25 years to be different. I want them to be full of wisdom and wonder, patience and tenderness, and more sacrifice and love and care. I am resolved to love and serve my wife so that she thrives because of me, physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally, not in spite of me. There is no external ministry more important than that.

Madeleine L’Engle once wrote, 

"The best I can ask for is that this love, which has been built on countless failures, will continue to grow. I can say no more than that this is mystery, and gift, and that somehow or other, through grace, our failures can be redeemed and blessed."

Redemption and blessing, mystery and gift. That sounds a lot like the love of Jesus. That sounds like the kind of thing a wife will flourish because of, not in spite of.

Hoping for a vision of sacrificial love to be stirred in your heart this week.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

P.S. I have a fuller expansion of this idea in a sermon here.

the danger of ungrieved grief

"What could be worse for our children’s children than the inheritance of ungrieved grief?"

Joshua Luke Smith, Finding Hope in a Fractured World

"Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape."

C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

I have been to more schools and come out with fewer degrees than anyone I know. When I add it up, I have attended 8 institutions and come away with only 1 degree. It’s not that I don’t like learning, and it’s not that there was a problem with the programs. It’s just that I kept getting distracted by doing the things I was learning and the theory started to lag behind the practice.  

But through all the Colleges and Seminaries I have attended, there is one class that has stood out to me for years. One class that truly changed me. One that actually delivered on the promise of transformation that was proposed in the syllabus. 

It was a section called "Grieving the Seasons of Your Life" taught by Legendary New York Leaders Dr. Ron and Wanda Walborn. The big idea of the class was about the spiritual foundation and formation of a leader, but the angle on grief was new to me. 

Nowadays, we talk a lot about lament. We lament racial injustice in America, gun violence in our schools, and sexual confusion that makes God's good vision unrecognizable. This cultural lament is helpful and biblical, yet very few people have a framework for grief and lament in their own lives.

When you grow up in a broken family, it takes time to really learn the damage that has been done. It may be years before you realize that what you thought was normal was actually dysfunctional, and it may take even longer to come to terms with the damage done in your heart. 

And so much of what I learned about ministry was about theology and technique rather than healing and change. It was about doctrine, apologetics, leadership, and culture. Most of these things were aimed at informing your mind but not forming your heart. Grief didn’t seem to fit into this, so it just got glossed over.  

To be fair, the class I am referring to was not a typical seminary class. I watched demons cast out of students in one session and people slain under the power of God in others, but these honestly seemed small compared to the work of healing that happened in my own life.

The homework assignment we were given after a lecture on grief was to write a grief journal. Yes, a grief journal. Not a gratitude journal of all the good that had happened, but a grief journal of all the pain, tragedy, rejection, heartache, and abuse we had encountered in the story of our lives. 

Somehow this felt too personal, almost inappropriate for an academic setting. Writing a paper on the Old Testament theology of grief, no problem. Writing a journal about my own grief, deeply problematic.

But I settled in and wrote out a list of all the things that hurt or wounded me over the course of my life. I tried to go year by year and let God bring things to the surface. Some things I had forgotten, others I had put behind me, others I had sworn to never mention again. And as I began to write, I began to weep. Something in the depths of my soul opened up and a flood of emotions I could not control surfaced in an almost violent way. The most terrifying part of this was that I had to then hand this in as homework. My tears and pain and trauma as a seminary assignment. 

To be honest, I was embarrassed at some of the things that had hurt me, ashamed at some of the things that had happened to me, and terrified of some of the things that controlled me. I felt weak, exposed, and vulnerable. My instinct was to hide.

I think many other men may try and hide their grief too. We bypass it because we don’t know what to do with it. Robert August Master was the first to bring the idea of spiritual bypassing to my attention. He describes it as a way of pretending everything is good because of our faith, while ignoring, dismissing, or denying the sadness, pain, and anger we are living with. He writes,

What spiritual bypassing would have us rise above is precisely what we need to enter, and enter deeply, with as little self-numbing as possible. To this end, it is crucial that we see through whatever practices we have, spiritual or otherwise, that tranquilize rather than illuminate and awaken us.

Often the church elicits a sort of toxic positivity. It’s a kind of collective tranquilizing under the guise of the goodness of God. This functions like a spiritual cortisone shot that numbs the pain for a while so we can function but doesn’t address the underlying issues of our heart. Brokenness rarely fits into our neat programs and tightly scheduled services. Where does Jesus fit into all this? He was a man of sorrows acquainted with grief. There are times I wonder if he would even be allowed to share his faith in the modern church that often demands things turn out well in the here and now.  

It's important that a man finds healing for his wounds and addresses the pain in his heart. A man must learn to grieve. If he doesn’t find healing for his pain, he will often use others to medicate it. Henri Nouwen addressed this when he said, 

The main question is "Do you own your pain?" As long as you do not own your pain—that is, integrate your pain into your way of being in the world—the danger exists that you will use the other to seek healing for yourself. When you speak to others about your pain without fully owning it, you expect something from them that they cannot give. As a result, you will feel frustrated, and those you wanted to help will feel confused, disappointed, or even further burdened.

So many men use women to numb their grief. 
So many men use achievement to numb their pain.
So many men use power to try and keep their sadness at bay.

Learning to grieve gave me a way to own my pain and find a new kind of fellowship with Christ. I never fully understood that walking with Jesus would mean he would walk me into my grief and that there was a kind of intimacy I wouldn’t know with him until I let him lead me there. I knew a lot about the power of his resurrection; now, he was inviting me into the fellowship of his suffering. 

And then something remarkable happened. I got my homework back. My "grief journal" was covered with red marks, but it was also covered with compassion. For Ron and Wanda, this was no mere academic exercise. It was spiritual parenting. It’s one thing to have a professor teach you, another to have one weep with you. And that’s what Ron did. He told me,

"I am sorry these things happened to you."
"These things were not fair."
"I am angry at how you have been treated in your past"
"I am heartbroken by what you have had to go through"

The word compassion has the idea of suffering alongside someone. And that’s what I experienced that day. A seminary of shared suffering. One that took Jesus from the pages of scripture and brought him close through another. One that showed me pain could be redeemed and grief could be a gift.

Nouwen went on to say, "The Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self."

Our vulnerable self. Our heartbroken and healed, grieving and glad selves. The selves God created us to be and not the ones we pretend to be.

You most likely won’t get a chance to take the class that I did yourself. I’m not sure if it’s even still being offered today. But I know this, Jesus is still offering to meet you in your grief. To meet you in your sadness and your sorrow. To bless you so you don’t need to bypass. To change your wounds into scars and help you live from the whole of your heart.

Do you need to do a grief journal? Have you sat with your pain long enough to own it?
Maybe this week you can take some time to do just that. To be introduced to the man of sorrows so willing to be acquainted with your grief too.

There is a ton of solid research on the power of doing this well. 

And you can see Dr. Ron Walborn teach on the power of learning to grieve wellhere, which he taught at our church.

We need a generation of strong men.
We need a generation of kind men.
But these men will appear only as they go through their grief, not around it.

I'm hoping this week you learn to grieve well.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon. 

the danger of unwanted men…

Hey friends. Before we jump into this week's email, I wanted to just say 2 quick things.

One. I try and make this email worth your time. I put real thought and care into writing these each week to try and encourage your heart. So I wanted to make a small suggestion. Instead of reading these in the middle of the work day when you are jamming through 30 other emails, would you consider reading them at the end or beginning of your day when you have a little more space to reflect and process? Hopefully, this will make the message resonate more deeply. Attention is a rare commodity these days, and I want to steward yours well.

Two. If these emails have been forwarded to you by a friend, and you’d like to subscribe, you can click here. Joining this email list really helps me as an author speak directly to the people I am trying to serve. 

I’m so grateful for those of you who take the time to read this each week, and those of you who spread the word. 

Grace and peace friends. Now, on to this week's email. 

"Not being welcome is your greatest fear. It connects with your birth fear, your fear of not being welcome in this life, and your death fear, your fear of not being welcome in the life after this. It is the deep-seated fear that it would have been better if you had not lived."

Henri Nouwen

"I sought for a man among them who should build up the wall and stand in the breach before me for the land…"

Ezekiel 22:30

I have a friend named Phil who is a man in full. 
A true Texan, he is the only man I know who has been bitten by a rattlesnake and struck by lightning. He owns a thousand-acre ranch named Selah Springs in Brady, Texas where he raises his two daughters with his wife, who is a better bible teacher than most seminary grads I know.

I met Phil because he hosts our Forming Men retreats on his property. He’s an author, ecologist, church planter, and gentleman. He quotes Dostoyevsky and scripture and wears a wide-brimmed hat when the moment calls for it.

At our Forming Men retreats, we take the first session to connect the men to the reason they are there. And we let Phil say a few words of welcome and wisdom to those gathered in the room. While sharing a few stories about the history of his ranch and vision for his life, he shared a line from Steinbeck’s book The Long Valley that resonated deeply with the men in the room. 

A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 

Remember this thing.

I have known boys forty years old because there was no need for a man.

In our events, we try and get to the depths of the issues and wounds that men are carrying around. And one theme always comes to the surface. A sense of rejection.
It may come as a surprise to some, but many men feel that they are not needed in the world today.

--Automation is telling men their skills are not needed.
--AI is telling men their wisdom is not needed.
--Activists are telling men their gender is not needed.

One man confessed to me his father-in-law pulled him aside before his marriage and told him he wasn’t wanted in their family because he was African American. He struggles to show up with a full heart, wounded with unwantedness.

Another man shared he struggles to be a man because he felt like he could never live up to his father’s expectations. He got stuck in adolescence because he never believed he had what it took to make it in the adult world.

Another man regressed to college-age behaviors when his wife left him. Without responsibility and restraint, he drifted back to partying and pleasure because he felt there was nothing calling greatness out of him anymore.

This rejection runs deep and is one of the major reasons there is such extended adolescence in our world today. Men wonder when they make it through the gauntlet of a rite of passage if there will be anyone there to welcome them into manhood. Anyone who will recognize the struggle and journey to emerge out of a self-centered adolescence into a loving and godly man. 

Remember this. Boys become men when they are needed.

NEEDED

To be clear, I’m not talking about propping up the egos of insecure men.
I’m not talking about fragility in light of societal changes.  
I am talking about calling out the best in the men languishing in our secular malaise, wanting to be a part of something greater but never having been summoned to a cause. 

Our world is suffering because there is a generation of 40-year-old boys. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Men simply need to be called out of their selfishness into something greater than themselves. I believe men truly long to give themselves to something that matters, but they hesitate because we live in a world that doesn’t welcome them when they show up.

Criticism, contempt, complaint. These things stunt a man's growth. 
Encouragement, recognition, vision. These things stir a man’s soul.

THE CALL

Several years back, I was sick. Really sick. This surfaced a conversation with my wife about what we would do if each other died. During that time my wife said something that pierced my heart. Though not an exact quote, she said something to this effect.

You cannot die yet; your daughter needs you. She is going to need you to walk her down the aisle with fatherly love, and the man she marries is going to need you to look him in the eye and bless him.

You cannot die yet; your son needs you. Your son is going to need you to hold his grandchildren that carry the Tyson name and model generational blessing to him.

The church needs you. You have a unique voice that resonates in a true and clear way with this city and generation.

I need you. I will be so mad if you get to heaven before me and leave me to sort out all this mess when you are gone. ☺

I cannot put into words the level of vision and resolve this put in my spirit. This didn’t weigh me down like a burden; it lifted me like a vision. 

In the best of ways, I walk through the world with a sense of purpose and joy because I know I am wanted in my world. I have tried to emerge as a man because my world needs a man, and not a boy. 

Men, press forward.

A foolish generation needs wise men.
An anxious generation needs peaceful men.
A wounded generation needs healed men.
A secular generation needs goldy men.

Jesus grew from a boy into a man because the world needed a savior.
Your world needs you to show up as a man too. 

Fellas, this week, remember God has placed you at this moment of history because he wants to use you. He has something for you. 

We need you to find your place on the wall. 
We need you to reach your redemptive potential. 
We need you to put away childish things and become a man. 

As my friend Phil was walking away from the barn over to his house in the Texas hills, he was a momentary parable for me. 

This ranch needed a man. 
His wife needed a man. 
His daughters needed a man.
A lighting-struck, snake-bit, spirit-filled man.

You’re needed too.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon. 

P.S. Texas Phil wrote a coming-of-age story of two boys learning how to become men. It’s a truly epic tale. Steinbeckian in nature. You can check out his book here.

the only prayer you ever have to pray

Hey folks.

Want to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving. 

I'm taking some time off to be with my family this week.

And I realized that over the last year or so, quite a few new folks have signed up for this email, and the vast majority of you haven’t seen the emails from when I first started sending them.

So here is my first ever "refresh" email.

It feels more true than ever this season. We need gratitude more than ever.

Cheers.

Jon.

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough."

Meister Eckhart

It’s amazing how quickly gratitude can be sucked out of our hearts by the rhythm of modern life. This week, we will celebrate Thanksgiving, a moment where at least symbolically we paused to remember the gifts and grace we have received. But almost immediately after the prayer and turkey leave our lips, Black Friday and Cyber Monday overshadowed them. Though the days of wrestling with people for a cheap TV at Walmart seem to be over, we still have to wrestle with the spirits of entitlement and mammon that seek to make their way into our hearts. These idols rarely make a direct assault anymore; they are more subtle, more sophisticated, more aesthetically pleasing. James K.A. Smith notes, "Our idolatries are less like conscious decisions to believe a falsehood and more like learned dispositions to hope in what will disappoint."

We have to fight to maintain gratitude through this season. Everything in life, from curated ads, requests from our kids, a desire to be generous to our wives, obligations to in-laws and pressure to keep up with other dads will come for our hearts. They will seek to overshadow the wonder of what we truly have in Christ. Though the desire to be generous is a godly one, we must not equate trinkets with virtue or consumerism with contentment. One day of toys a year won’t build a family culture, but gratitude in an entire season can. That is what you need to fight for this week. Paul reminded Timothy, "But godliness with contentment is great gain." Great gain comes from great gratitude.

So how can we cultivate a gratitude strong enough to resist over-consumption?

ADJUSTING TO THE PACE OF GRATITUDE

In the modern world, we live at a violent pace.

There is no margin between moments to make sense of what is happening in our stories. Only accidents, sickness, setbacks or strain seem to shake us from our frenetic pace. We lose the rhythm of grace when we live at a violent pace. We lose the ability to appreciate, savor, reflect, linger, enjoy.

God sometimes manifests himself in dramatic ways, but he normally works in ways too ordinary for us to see. There was no room in the inn for the son of God’s birth. No recognition that God was working in the neighborhood doing construction for over 30 years. It was too ordinary, too impossible to believe that God is found in the everyday. So we must learn to slow down enough to see. Frederick Buechner reminds us to: "Listen to your life. See it for the fathomless mystery that it is. In the boredom and pain of it no less than in the excitement and gladness: touch, taste, smell your way to the holy and hidden heart of it because in the last analysis all moments are key moments, and life itself is grace."

The ping off the bat as your son hits his first ball in a game. That is grace.

Laughter from your wife in the other room as she does homework with the kids. That is grace.

Your favorite song from college hitting the playlist as the sun sets and you pull in the driveway. That is grace.

Kindness from a coworker where there has been strain on the job. That is grace.

Winter light over morning coffee. That is grace.

Creation, providence, redemption. Our lives are drenched in grace!

G. K. Chesterton once wrote, "You say grace before meals. All right. But I say grace before the concert and the opera, and grace before the play and pantomime, and grace before I open a book, and grace before sketching, painting, swimming, fencing, boxing, walking, playing, dancing and grace before I dip the pen in the ink."

Grace to see how much we have.

Grace to resist what we do not need.

Grace to love and serve.

Grace to slow down and reflect.

Grace to give ourselves away.

May you cultivate a gratitude that overshadows the cheapening of the sacred this season. May you revel in a grace you cannot buy or earn. May the only prayer that truly matters rise from your lips at last, "God, source of it all, thank you."

Peace.

Jon.

keeping the darkness at bay

"I have found that it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folks that keep the darkness at bay. Small acts of kindness and love." 
J.R.R. Tolkien (The Hobbit)

Be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14

New York City recently had some of the worst flooding in the city’s history. It was surreal to see once gridlocked streets waist-deep in water. The rain transformed the landscape in an almost unrecognizable way. There were parts of Brooklyn that looked like Venice. 

I spend most of my time in the city in a neighborhood called Hell’s Kitchen. It has a famous cross street (42nd street) which almost cuts the island of Manhattan in half. 42nd and 9th Avenue is one of those places that tends to flood badly when it rains. It’s a disaster. And what happens on Ninth Avenue never helps. Ninth Avenue has been in a state of perpetual construction for as long as I can remember. I do not have a memory from the last 18 years where some sort of construction was not happening on that street.

As the rains were coming down, I looked out the window to see the intersection completely flooded with water. Cars were at a crawl, pedestrians were getting drenched, and the traffic was a nightmare. The police were trying to direct the traffic, but 42nd and 9th were havoc. 

Then I saw something remarkable.

A man took off his shoes, rolled up his jeans, and walked into the middle of the intersection, blocking the traffic. He had some sort of rake or broom in his hands. People started losing their minds. Cars were honking, police were yelling, and yet he gestured in such a way as to say, "Give me a minute here." Now I have seen tons of folks block traffic before, but this was different. He seemed completely rational and non-threatening to the people driving past. 

I noticed that the water went way past the point at which he had rolled up his jeans, well above his knees. He began to maneuver the stick and work at something below the surface of the water. And then after what appeared to be 5 minutes, a kind of miracle happened. The water began to recede. Like a giant bath emptying slowly, the water began to seep away. As it turns out, trash from overflowing bins had clogged the drains in the intersection. While cars honked, people cursed, and police screamed, this man cleared the trash away in the middle of the storm. 

I ran down to the street to find him and thank him, but he was gone. Traffic was flowing at a much-improved pace by then. The commute of thousands of people was changed by this anonymous, selfless man.

I reflect on that every time I walk past that intersection. 

In the storm, meteorologists offered warnings and opinions. 

Climate activists pointed to the need for policy changes.

It was yet another reason for some to leave New York.

But for one man, it was an opportunity to do something about the way things were. 

It wasn’t heroic, and he didn’t go viral on TikTok. He just waded into the middle of the mess. But on one of the worst days in the city’s history, one man’s small act of sacrifice and kindness changed what happened in one of the busiest intersections in the world.

When I think about the men we need in the world today, I think about that man. A man who saw a need and met it. A man who did something while everyone else complained and looked on. I can't help but imagine how different things would be if there were men like this everywhere today. Men formed to respond. Men who rise up and don’t shrink back. Men who keep the darkness at bay, one intersection at a time.

The truth is, most of the things that will change our lives are not that dramatic. They are just small moments to act when others don’t, to wade in at the least convenient point, to remember when others forget.

Desmond Tutu said, "Do your little bit of good where you are; it's those little bits of good put together that overwhelm the world." 

Small acts of kindness and love, little bits of good woven together over time. This is how a generation of men will overwhelm the brokenness of the world.

Every man longs to keep the darkness at bay, yet it turns out it's easier than you think.

Kind, normal, loving men meeting the needs in front of them.

This is how the light comes in.

I'll see you in the middle of the intersection fellas.

Cheers.

Jon.

3 words that have changed my marriage

"Because women are so rarely cherished, they often settle for being occasionally desired."

Unknown

"Whether we are husband or wife, we are not to live for ourselves but for the other. And that is the hardest yet single most important function of being a husband or a wife in marriage."

Tim and Kathy Keller

My son recently got engaged. It’s been a joy to watch the whole process. He is marrying a wonderful woman from Brazil and we could not be more thrilled for them. Young love that matures to full commitment is one of the greatest realities in life. Watching that happen with those you care about most is a profound gift.

This year, I will celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary. My marriage has been the most formative, sanctifying, and life-giving part of my story. And with my son's approaching wedding and 25 years of covenant life on the horizon, I can’t help but reflect on the things I wish I had known in the early years of my own marriage. The things that would have made living out our vows less turbulent. 

Both Christy and I entered our marriage with very few tools to handle the challenges ahead. We read a couple of books, did 1.5 sessions of premarital counseling, and threw ourselves into life together. We believed at the core of our being that we were special and that love would be enough. It wasn’t. We were completely unprepared for how to love each other well. We didn’t have a secure sense of self yet, didn’t know how to communicate, and didn’t know how to meet each other's needs in a godly and life-giving way.

Whenever a conflict would arise, we didn’t have a framework for how to respond, even though in our hearts we wanted to get things right. We often acted in ways that produced defensiveness, criticism, and dismissal of each other’s needs. There was a gap between our desire to love well and our ability to help each other feel it. 

As time went on, kids arrived, work got more complex, and unhealthy patterns became normal. We began to believe the lie that we could never change, and that the growing distance between us was permanent. The way things could be simply become the way things were. Our patterns made the distance feel immense. If I could map out the conflict cycle we were in, it would be as follows: 

Dismiss. Critique. Avoid.

Dismiss. Refuse to acknowledge the other person’s perspective or the legitimacy of what the other person was feeling. View conflict as a personal attack.

Critique. Make my own opinion, needs, or perspective primary, while criticizing the other person for not thinking and feeling more like me.

Avoid. Don’t delve into these areas of deep pain or unspoken needs for fear of rejection, so learn to live with holes in your heart and walls in your relationship. 

Learning to do conflict well is part of a true relationship, but failing to learn can lead to disillusionment and despair. You can hold parts of yourself back and over time, drift apart and settle for faithfulness in your vows without passion in your heart. 

Several years ago I came across 3 words that have profoundly shifted the way Christy and I relate to each other. Though not a magic bullet, they have transformed the way we approach each other and navigate the complexities of love. They are:

Validate. Comfort. Repair.

Validate. Legitimize what the other person is feeling, experiencing, and saying, even if you are the source of their pain. Don’t get defensive, but honor what they are going through and their perspective on what has happened.

Comfort. Move towards the other person in empathy for what they have been through, seeking to offer care, compassion, and understanding.

Repair. Acknowledge any wrong and ask for forgiveness. Inquire about any changes that need to be made and commit to react differently in the future with deeper awareness and love.

The order is important because men by nature, often reverse this.

"Let me try and fix this."

"I’m sorry I did this."

And then lastly, "I guess I was a jerk."

(A note, the worst thing that can happen in trying to establish a new cycle is that you demand the other person respond to your new behavior. Repairing relational damage takes time. Sometimes repairing something is simply scuffing off scratches. Other times it’s a full gut renovation of what you have built. Commit to change over the long haul.)

When we start with validation, it reduces defensiveness and opens a door to connection that would have previously been closed. We begin to honor each other as individuals and then move toward one another with understanding, safety, and love.

Changing deep patterns has been hard for us. At times it has felt like 2 steps forward and 1 step back. But in the last few years, we have fought and forgiven our way through some impossible walls, and the distance that once felt like the Grand Canyon is slowly becoming healthy boundaries of belonging and differentiation, connection and respect.

So this week, when a conflict or misunderstanding arises,

• Take a moment to collect yourself.

• Avoid a defensive posture.

• Give room for the other person to share their heart.

• Validate their perspective and move forward from there.

The conflict may even create an opportunity for deeper connection and understanding, rather than defensiveness, isolation, and pain. It’s never too late to start a new relational cycle that can bring trust and healing over time.  

I’m not sure if you who are reading this are married or the state of your marriage if you are. But I know that in the modern world where marriage is optional, divorce is normal, and selfishness moral, it can feel like things cannot turn around. To be honest, I have felt this too. But I want to urge you not to give up. "Longitudinal studies demonstrate that two-thirds of those unhappy marriages out there will become happy within five years if people stay married and do not get divorced."

The Keller’s note,

"There is an illusion that if we find our one true soul mate, everything wrong with us will be healed; but that makes the lover into God, and no human being can live up to that."

After 25 years of marriage, I live with few illusions about Christy’s ability to save me or my ability to heal the deepest parts of her soul. But I do live with hope that if we approach one another with humility, compassion, and love, we may model the kind of relationship that can point others to the one who can.

And as it turns out, that is more than enough.

Hoping for more validation, comfort, and restoration in your core relationships this week.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon. 

the men I feel most sorry for…

"Concepts create idols, only wonder understands." 
Gregory of Nyssa

You are the God of great wonders! 
Psalm 77:14

Several years back I was with friends who gather every year to confess sin, strengthen our spirits, and listen to God. Every morning a man is put in the middle of the room in a kind of prophetic hot seat, where he gets prayed over by the rest of the group. The group shares what they sense God saying to him for a time of exhortation and encouragement. When it was my time in the middle, one of my friends shared something that has stuck with me over the years, something that I have clung to in the midst of anxiety and despair. The words he spoke were along these lines…

Jon, you may think that people follow you because you’re smart, or people follow you because you’re strong, but those are not the most important things. People follow you because your heart is strangely alive. In spite of all you have been through, you haven’t let the pain of cynicism rob you of joy. 

I think God is telling you that you need to lead from wonder.

Leading from wonder? I have studied leadership theory at a Doctoral level. I’ve looked at charts and books and paradigms but in all my years I have never heard of the "leading from wonder" paradigm.

How would leading from wonder even work?

Isn’t leadership about outcomes and results and progress?

Isn’t leadership about goals and metrics and movement?

Isn’t leadership about integrity and character and drive?

But upon reflection, maybe there is value in trying to introduce a new paradigm. Maybe the leaders we need in a time of anxiety, fear, and despair are those whose hearts are strangely alive. Maybe we need leaders who can lead us out of cynicism and back into joy. I want to be a leader like that. 

A LOSS OF WONDER

The author Douglas Coupland has a unique way of articulating the brokenness of the human condition. One quote that has haunted me over the years is about the loss of wonder in modern life. He writes,

Sometimes I think the people to feel saddest for are people who once knew what profoundness was, but who lost or became numb to the sensation of wonder - people who closed the doors that lead us into the secret world - or who had the doors closed for them by time and neglect and decisions made in times of weakness.

This is a profoundly articulate sense of how so many of us feel in our disenchanted world.

• Wandering through life without direction or passion.

• Numb to sensation due to the availability of illusionary pleasure.

• Closing off the door because we cannot take any more disappointment. 

• Loss of hope through tragedy, suffering, and the grind of life.

• Neglecting the beautiful parts of life because they feel like a luxury in the midst of so much responsibility and need. 

• Choosing survival in times of weakness rather than fullness of heart.

I see men like this everywhere. Men with a kind of sadness and frustration at the thought of another 30 years of working, paying bills, and slowly losing intimacy while numbing themselves with small pleasures to take the edge off. We need more.

The old English term wundor may be related to the German wunde or ‘wound’. From that perspective, "it would thus suggest a breach in the membrane of awareness, a sudden opening in a man’s system of established and expected meanings, a blow as if one were struck or stunned." That is, "to be wonderstruck is to be wounded by the sword of the strange event, to be stabbed awake by the striking." 

Wounded by wonder, maybe this is what we need for our numb hearts. 

WHERE ARE THE WONDERS?

God begins to open our hearts to the gift of wonder when we become aware of its absence. It is the longing for more that opens the door for more. In Gideon's story, it was his questioning of the decline and despair around him that opened him to the possibility of awakening and deliverance. 

"Pardon me, my lord," Gideon replied, "but if the LORD is with us, why has all this happened to us? Where are all his wonders that our ancestors told us about?"

Judges 6:13

REGAINING WONDER THROUGH FEAR AND AWE

According to Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel, the principle religious virtue of wonder is contained in the Hebrew word yirah. He says this word has two meanings: "fear and awe." 

The difference is this: "fear is the anticipation and expectation of evil or pain, as contrasted with hope which is the anticipation of good." In contrast, awe "is the sense of wonder and humility inspired by the sublime or felt in the presence of mystery." Further, "awe, unlike fear, does not make us shrink from the awe-inspiring object, but on the contrary, draws us near to it. This is why awe is compatible with both love and joy."

Upon reflection, much of what has kept my heart alive has been the pursuit of fear and awe. I try and position my life to face the things that scare me and position my heart to experience awe that overwhelms me. Sometimes this is in epic planned moments, and other times, small gifts in the flow of normal life. I cherish these times of… 

FEAR

• Standing near the edge of the cliffs of Moher in Ireland with my mate "Irish Rob" feeling like I was going to be blown off by the wind.

• The first time I encountered a bear in the woods early one morning while sipping coffee realizing he could end me if he chose.

• Watching a demon come out of someone as a new believer and feeling the force of it rush by me as it left.

• Moving to a new community out of a sense of mission without the resources we needed.

• My kids struggling with their faith while growing up in a hostile city.

AWE

• Traveling Ring Road around Iceland with my daughter during Covid while drowning in Icelandic glory.

• Surfing with dolphins on my own when I was 16.

• Sharing the gospel with Morgan Freeman at the airport and chatting with him about Jesus.

• Feeling tangible waves of the liquid love of God during the Asbury Revival.

• Finishing the Camino with my son Nate after 500 miles and 5 years on the Primal Path.

Moving toward fear and awe are choices we have to make. Often, we settle for comfort and pleasure instead. We may not think we have lost much in the moment, but over time, the door to the other world will slowly close, and we will find ourselves locked out of the joy God freely offers.

WANTING MORE

Moses was filled with yireh when he asked to see God's glory. It was a combination of fear and awe at the thought of seeing the God who was. And we should seek to encounter the God of wonders too. Experiencing his wonder has the power to resurrect our dead hearts and shift our perspective of who we are in the world. 

Research has shown the power of wonder to change the heart.

In one study, after experiencing an "awe event," a group was asked to draw pictures of themselves and the event they had just experienced. They literally drew themselves smaller in size. Such an effect has been termed ‘unselfing’. Unselfing is "the experience of loss of self, of letting go of ego-dominated rationality." Decentering the self, and dispositions that flow from such decentering, can have important ethical value in a heart, including "openness, availability, epistemological humility in the face of the mystery of being, and the ability to admire and be grateful."

And it doesn’t stop there. Interestingly, "recent research using fMRI has also shown that experiences of awe, such as watching awe-inspiring videos (compared to neutral or pleasant videos) decreases activity in the brain’s default mode network (DMN)." This network is "associated with self-focus and rumination. The result is decreased mental chatter."

Moses was changed by God's glory. Saul was thrown to the ground. Peter was overcome by the transfiguration and "didn’t know what he was saying." John fell on his face as though dead, and Mary wept at Jesus’ feet. We should never settle for mere religion when glory is offered instead.

CHOOSING YOUR WOUNDS

All of us will be wounded as we walk through this life. We will be wounded by rejection, betrayal, abuse, or neglect. These wounds can go deep and poison a man’s heart. They can rob us of wonder and cripple our expectation for more. Yet I want different wounds. I want the wounds of wonder.

- I want to be wounded with love. I want all that Jesus promised without giving in to theologies devised to cover for lack of experience. 

- I want to be wounded with gratitude. I want entitlement to die and thankfulness to come forth for all that God has done.

- I want to be wounded with joy. I want to savor the taste of the age to come, while hungering for more. I want to drink from the river of God's delights without apology.

And by the grace of God, I have been "struck" and "stunned" by the wonder of what God has done these past years. I have seen hardened atheists melt under the love of God, people endure debilitating sickness with patience and grace, and impossible love that has sacrificed and served in ways that seem like a bonus chapter of the book of Acts. Where cynicism had closed the door of wonder, Jesus has opened it again, and I have a door jam firmly in place with resolve to never let it close.

THIS WEEK.

I don’t know if you want to join me in leading from wonder or if you have another paradigm that is working fine. But I know for myself that more effort, teeth grinding, and technique are not going to re-enchant our secular age. I’m heading toward fear and awe. I’m asking to see more glory. I’m letting go of "ego-dominated rationality" to create space for God's tangible presence. I hope you will join me.

I believe the world needs your heart to be strangely alive too.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

i want to clarify some expectations

"He was swimming in a sea of other people’s expectations.

Men had drowned in seas like that."

Robert Jordan

"We had hoped he was the Messiah who had come to rescue Israel."

Luke 24

We all bring so many things into our relationships. No person can possibly live up to the things we project on them. Ronald Rolheiser talks about the futility of trying to find the "magical other," the one who will fix our flaws and fill the void inside. But there is no human being alive who can do that, yet sadly you cannot know this when you fall in love.

So much of the pain that comes with maturing in our relationships is about understanding and navigating expectations. Sometimes we have unrealistic expectations and live with an idealism rooted in childhood deficits or cultural distortions. Other times we have selfish expectations that push the relational burden onto others in an unfair way. But mainly we have unspoken expectations. We have an inner world of hopes and desires and longings that we assume the other person knows, but we rarely clarify. This can lead to frustration, hurt, disappointment, and distance between us and those we love. So how can we learn to clarify our expectations?

HOW TO CLARIFY YOUR EXPECTATIONS

In Emotionally Healthy Relationships, Pete Scazzero has a simple but powerful framework for strengthening our relationships through clarity. He notes there are 4 main primary ways expectations go wrong. He writes,

• Your expectation is unconscious. You didn’t even know you had an expectation until it was violated.

• Your expectation is unrealistic. It is not reasonable given the person or circumstance.

• Your expectation is unspoken. You did not clearly articulate your expectation to another person.

• Your expectation is un-agreed upon. The other person never agreed to follow through with your expectation.

This shows up in almost every area of our life.

It affects our friendships. We can get angry when others don’t show the same level of interest, inclusion, or vulnerability.
It affects our romantic relationships. We can become defensive, possessive, or needy in our demands of our partner.
It affects our parenting. We can live from our past, our own vision or desires without our kids ever understanding where the pressure on them is coming from.
It affects our work. We can put too much weight on the position or employer to fulfill our vocational goals.
It affects our faith. We can project onto God our family issues or assumptions based on consumer spirituality, idolatry, or bad theology.
It affects our church experience. We can come to church with unclarified and unspoken needs and desires without taking into account the community’s stage, season, and health.

So what can we do to bring healthy expectations to our relationships? Scazzero says the following things should be focused on to bring clear, fair, and life-giving expectations:

CONSCIOUS EXPECTATIONS: I am aware of my expectation, and in touch with my real need.

REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: This means there is evidence to support that the expectation is reasonable. Either it has been done in the past or the person has the capacity and willingness to do it. It can happen in the time, pace and flow of the circumstances and season.

SPOKEN EXPECTATIONS: I have expressed the expectation clearly in such a way that it has been heard and understood.

AGREED UPON EXPECTATIONS: The other person has agreed to the expectation by saying ‘yes’ and there is a shared framework in place for what will happen.

THE POWER AND GRACE OF CLARIFIED EXPECTATIONS

Learning to clarify expectations has transformed my life. It has helped me understand broken relationships from my past, enabled me to love more freely those closest to me, and relieved unnecessary ministry pressure I tend to put on myself. I am not perfect at this, but I am growing, and it is helping me love people with more insight and skill.

If you are feeling pressure or disappointment in an area of your life, it may be helpful to do an expectation audit this week. Are there expectations that have been unconscious, unrealistic, unspoken, or un-agreed upon? And how can you become more conscious, realistic, clear, and work toward agreement in them?

Brene Brown says, "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind." Here’s to building relationships on clarity and kindness.

Thanks for reading,

Cheers.

Jon.