the spiritual progress your heart longs for

"Love is the fountain of life, and the soul which does not drink from it cannot be called alive." 

Bernard of Clairvaux

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

The Apostle Paul to the Corinthians

One of the challenges of growing in faith in the modern world is that our journey has no markers along the way. It’s hard to know if we are making progress.  When we are younger, we know we are progressing because every indicator of our life is telling us so.

We grow physically. Get taller, stronger, hairier, fill out.

We grow through school. Grades mark our intellectual development, as do the years.

We grow in college. Pick a major, internships, graduate, real world.

We grow in our careers. Entry level, growth, management, partner, responsibility.

We grow in life. Marriage, kids, family, a second home.

But when it comes to our faith, how do we know we are growing?

Once you become an adult, there is almost nothing to tell you are making progress along the way. Much of what the modern church rewards is participation, not transformation.

Is growth defined by how much we give?

How much we volunteer at events?

How many groups we attend?

How many Sundays we show up?

How many non-profits we support?

How much time we spend with the poor?

As many of us have learned by now, busyness and activity inside of the church are no indicators of spiritual growth and maturity inside our hearts. Although helpful, participation is not the same thing as progress. It’s possible to do the right thing with the wrong motive. If I have not love….

How then can a man measure his progress in the life of faith?

The answer? Growth in love.

Bernard of Clairvaux has a compelling teaching on growing in love. Bernard (1090-1153) was a passionate and disciplined man. A man who took growth in love as the most serious duty of the believer. He taught that the heart matures through 4 stages of love.

As we examine our lives, and the way we think about God, faith, others, community, and our enemies, we can measure the motives of our hearts. We can look to see if we are increasing in our love of God, neighbor, and enemy.

THE FIRST STAGE: LOVE OF SELF FOR SELF'S SAKE

At this stage, all we do is for our own benefit. Our life is defined by loving ourselves. Our thoughts, actions, and desires are centered around ourselves.  Albert Haase talks about the 4 marks of the self at this stage. He notes we tend to make an overemotional investment in:

• self-concern (pride)

• self-image (pride, anger, envy)

• self-gratification (lust, gluttony)

• self-preservation (greed, sloth)

Augustine called this preoccupation with the self "Incurvatus." Love turned in on itself. Commenting on this, Jeff Cook writes, "The more I make my life, my well-being, my enlightenment, and my success primary, the farther I step from reality. Thus the hell-bound do not travel downward; they travel inward, cocooning themselves behind a mass of vanity, personal rights, religiosity, and defensiveness. Obsession with self is the defining mark of a disintegrating soul." 

Paul warned that the end times would be terrible because people would be "lovers of themselves." Bernard warned about self-love because it can "burst the banks of self-control, flooding the field of self-indulgence." Love of self is the lowest form of love.

THE SECOND STAGE: LOVE OF GOD FOR THE SELF'S SAKE

In this stage of love, we are awakened to God and his goodness towards us. We are aware of the joy of our salvation and his mercy and grace. Our meaning void is met, and life takes on purpose and depth. Our sins are forgiven, and the weight of guilt is gone. Our shame is removed, and our faces are radiant. Our longings are rerouted from the self to the Trinity. God's covenant is good, rich, satisfying, and kind. But much of the love is the love of God's action, not his person. We love him for what he does for us more than who he is to us.

You can see this reflected in much modern worship and preaching.

My God, my salvation, my deliverer, my defender, the one who empowers me for my purpose. He answers my prayers, meets my needs, cares for my family. He provides for my needs, comforts my heart, heals my pain. Bernard notes that praise for God is rooted in the gifts of God. "O, give thanks to the Lord, for He is good" (Psalm 118:1). This is not a confession of being good to the Lord, but of the Lord being good to us. It is the love of God for our benefit.

There is nothing wrong with this kind of love; it is love indeed. It is just an immature form of love. One whose growth should be celebrated. To get the eyes off the self to the heavens is nothing less than a Copernican revolution. But one that must continue to develop.

THE THIRD STAGE:  LOVE OF GOD FOR GOD'S SAKE

This stage of love is love for God himself. It’s seeking the face of God, not just the hand of God. It's hunger for him. This is the release of the Abba cry, the desire to know the Father who loves and chose us. It’s the bridal cry, the desire to be in heaven enjoying the presence of Christ. It’s being caught up in his glory, not his gifts. It’s the Psalmist's cry:

You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you;

I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you,

in a dry and parched land where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands.

I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. 

Psalms 63:1-5

It’s his glory, his beauty, his power, his kindness, his mercy, his love, his favor, hispower. It's losing ourselves in him, Christ our Lord.

THE FOURTH STAGE: LOVE OF SELF FOR GOD’S SAKE

This is the stage of union with God. This is true godliness. This is being lost in his love. We are caught up in him, and we experience a sense of self while sensing Christ being in all and all in all. This is the soul's deepest union with God. This is the fellowship of his sufferings and the power of his resurrection. This is confidence in knowing we are the beloved. He is the source of love and the goal of our heart. This is the consecrated man caught up in a vision of something beyond himself. This is mystery; this is wonder; this is the stuff of life.

1 John 4:15-16 says this, "If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them."

Knowing the love of God. Relying on the love of God. Living in the love of God. God living in us. We are the beloveds and the beloved is ours. Bernard comments, "When will my soul, inebriated with divine love, learn to be unconsciously self-forgetful, and simply be a broken vessel?"

MAKING PROGRESS IN THE WAY OF LOVE

So how can a man know he is making progress in the way of Jesus? He is growing in love. Growing from a selfish orientation to a loving orientation. Moving from loving God for what he does to who he is. It's union with him. Living in love.

Paul says that the Holy Spirit sheds the love of God abroad in our hearts. Paul prayed "that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19

Don’t settle for life hacks, missionalism, or apathy. Hold your heart before him. Ask for the fire of divine love. Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Seek him and you will find him. Become all flame.

Happy Thanksgiving brothers.

Cheers.

Jon.

P.S. I have a chapter on how love must resist hate in my book Beautiful Resistance if you're looking for some holiday reading. :)

drive the vultures off

Any time a man gets serious about God, all hell will break loose.

You have probably experienced this in your own life.

Drift along in a self-centered culture and all is peace and ease.

Turn toward God and you will experience immediate turbulence.

Abram found this out when walking with God.

Abram is called out of his own smaller story and into the story of God. He is called from sight to faith, certainty to trust, idolatry to worship. The seeds of his obedience still bear fruit in lives today.

Genesis chapter 15 has one of the most remarkable encounters of a man meeting God. God appears to Abram and reassures his heart: "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." And in a breathtaking meeting, God takes him outside and says, "Look up at the sky and count the stars—if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Abram believed the LORD, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

God then commands him to lay out a sacrifice to establish a covenant.

Abram brought all these to him, cut them in two, and arranged the halves opposite each other; the birds, however, he did not cut in half. 

This is the moment of consecration. This is the moment of sealing the promise, of confirming the covenant. This is the moment his whole life will be entrusted into the hands of God. This is the great "I do" of the human heart with the divine.

This moment will be resisted.

Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses…

THEN BIRDS OF PREY CAME DOWN.

This is a potent phrase.

The vultures come for the sacrifice. The vultures come to steal the inheritance. The vultures come to peck away at what belonged to another.

The vultures will come for you too. They will seek to sabotage the covenant and corrupt the consecration.

The birds of prey will come for whatever you lay before God.

The vultures of consumerism will come to steal your generosity.

The vultures of lust will come to steal your holiness.

The vultures of power will come to steal your humility.

The vultures of selfishness will come to steal your sacrifice.

The vultures of distraction will come to steal your focus.

The best intentions of modern men are picked away by the vultures of the age who descend on their dreams while they passively sit by and watch their inheritance stolen. Slowly but surely, what we lay before God with good intentions gets picked away piece by piece, until all that is left are memories of devotion from our younger years.

Abram isn’t going out like that.

Verse 11 continues:

Then birds of prey came down on the carcasses, but Abram drove them away.

Abram knew he had to contend for his inheritance. He knew that faith came with a fight, and that passivity meant disaster. Abram wanted the promise. Abram drove the vultures away.

Learn from his example. Drive the vultures away.

You can’t afford a contaminated sacrifice.

You can’t afford to let the birds of prey consume what has cost you so much.

You can’t let the birds of prey come for your heart, your love, your devotion. You can’t let the birds of prey come for your wife, your kids, your family, or your inheritance.

DRIVE THEM AWAY.

Drive them away with faith.

Drive them away with the word.

Drive them away with prayer.

Drive them away with spiritual disciplines.

Drive them away for the reward that God has promised.

CONSECRATION IS THE KEY TO OBTAINING WHAT GOD HAS PROMISED

Verse 17 reads: "When the sun had set and darkness had fallen, a smoking firepot with a blazing torch appeared and passed between the pieces. On that day the LORD made a covenant with Abram."

God promises Abram a son.

God promises territory.

God tells him of his destiny.

The birds are gone; the blessing has come.

NAME YOUR VULTURES

This week, pay attention to the things seeking to rob your devotion to God.

They may be small distractions, things that pick and peck at the commitments you have made. They may be temptations to major compromise, to give up, let go, or forget.

Drive them away, even if you are discouraged or tired.

Drive them away, even if you are confused about what to do next.

Drive them away, even if you see others give in.

You too will find that God is still a shield and great reward.

Cheers.

Jon.

division, disgust, and kissing the leper

"Forgiveness flounders because I exclude the enemy from the community of humans and myself from the community of sinners."
Miroslav Volf

A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, "If you are willing, you can make me clean." Jesus was indignant. He reached out his hand and touched the man. "I am willing," he said. "Be clean!"
Mark 1:40-41

The midterm elections were this week. Another chance to participate in democracy. Another chance for lies, villainization, and polarization to seep into our hearts. It seems the only way people know how to distance themselves from their opponents in the modern world is to create a kind of cultural disgust.

Disgust for others’ ethics.

Disgust for others’ positions.

Disgust for others’ views.

Disgust for others’ lifestyles.

Disgust for others themselves.

This political spirit has made its way down into our hearts. If we are not careful, we will hold people in contempt that God has made in his image. Instead of seeing beauty in the humanity of others, we will feel disgust at our differences. Disgust is toxic and oh-so prevalent. Think about what you hear on a typical day:

"Woke people disgust me."

"Christian nationalists disgust me."

"The LGBTQ community disgusts me."

"White heteronormative people disgust me."

"People who voted for Trump disgust me."

"The radical left disgusts me."

"Capitalistic greed disgusts me."

"Lazy people disgust me."

Jonathan Haidt unpacks the idea of disgust in his book The Righteous Mindexplaining that many of the issues we have moralized that cause us disgust are culturally conditioned. They can be religious convictions, but they can also be sociological and personal preferences. These preferences are easily manipulated and prayed upon by others for their own advantage. We are often unaware of how our sense of disgust is cultivated by outside forces and weaponized against others. Very little of this is thought through or discerned through a biblical and theological lens.

The Pharisees operated with a kind of cultural disgust.

Disgust for sinners, disgust for tax collectors, disgust for Gentiles, disgust for the Romans. The kingdom of God was hindered by self-righteous disgust.

Enter Jesus.

Where others saw disgust, he saw people. He didn’t see issues to avoid but people to love. He operated outside the cultural categories of his day and focused on building a kingdom of love. His ministry was defined by dignity, recognition, the removal of shame, and the empowering of others. His chosen disciples included those who were at war culturally, yet he gave them a transcendent identity that did away with cultural disgust and replaced it with category-defying love. He still calls his disciples to do this today.

KISSING CHRIST

St. Francis of Assisi had a fear and disgust of lepers in his day. He was repulsed by them and afraid of the disease. One day, while riding his horse near Assisi, he saw a man suffering from leprosy on the side of the road. Though he was repulsed by the man, he got off his horse and kissed the leper out of compassion. The leper held out his hand needing money, and Francis gave him what he asked for.

When he got back on his horse and turned to face the man, he was gone. There was no trace of him on the road. Francis was shaken. For him, this was a kind of theophany. He believed it was a test, the kind mentioned in Matthew 25:46. For Francis, it was Christ himself he had kissed. He was transformed by this encounter, finding Christ among those for whom he previously felt disgust. Judas betrayed Jesus with a kiss. Francis found him with one.

Though I am not so naive to believe deep cultural differences don’t have their place, I do believe we can move toward those considered our enemies with goodwill and love. We can show kindness and dignity to those whose views, lifestyles, and convictions we oppose and risk contamination with that which we fear.

We need men willing to love like this today. Men free from the confines of secular categories and willing to do the impossible. To kiss the lepers of our world, to move towards those who disgust us, to find Christ amongst those we cannot stand.

For this is the way of Jesus.

We were the spiritual leper whose sin disgusted the holiness of God. We were the leper with our hand held out in need. And Christ left the throne of heaven and came to us. He touched our sin, brokenness, and exclusion with mercy and love. We are the sinners seated at the table of grace.

Who represents the leper for you?

Who is in front of you that you tend to recoil from?

Where can you lower yourself to meet their need out of compassion and obedience to Christ?

What does it mean to kiss the leper? 

A kiss is a sign of intimacy and proximity.

How can you move towards those you may have dismissed this week out of obedience and reconciling love?

Who is my leper? What is my kiss?

Carry these questions with you this week.

For you too may in fact kiss the face of Christ.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Cheers.

Jon.

a framework for forming men (pt. 5)

When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.

Bonhoeffer

Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it."

Luke 9:23-24 

Fellas, you have to pay attention to your walk with God. Much of what goes on in the church today under the guise of spiritual formation is just lifestyle enhancement and self-care framed as the way of Jesus. Theology, teaching, and practices all somehow point back to living a sustainable life for the sake of yourself. It’s a sweet trap to be obsessed with your own spirituality - to only focus on yourself while the world burns down around you.

It’s not that self-care is wrong. It has its place and season. However, it’s just not enough for a life of discipleship under a leader whose life ended by violent crucifixion, stripped naked and bleeding for the sins of the world. Jesus invited us to take up our cross daily, and the fellowship of suffering he invited us into is neglected in the Western Church. But the good news is that we find our life by dying. Our true self by crucifying the false self. For Jesus, the cross led to resurrection. Death to life. And for men today, the way of the cross still leads us out of the wasteland of modern life into union and conformity with the life of Christ himself.

For the last 5 weeks, we have been talking about a pathway of formation for men that follows these 5 movements

FORMATION
DEFORMATION
COUNTERFORMATION
TRANSFORMATION
CONFORMATION

Today, we look at the last of the 5 movements: conformation.

Romans 8:29 tells us that "those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters."
  
Regardless of your view of election, either Calvinistic or Arminian, we can agree on the end goal of election: that you be conformed to the image of Jesus. This means that your ultimate purpose in life, the purpose behind your hobbies, work, small group, social media viewing, relationships, sexuality, Netflix watching, and commuting is pointed at one great aim: your transformation from your broken sinful self into the gracious, loving renewed image of Jesus. You have been adopted into the family of God, and you are going to take on a strong family resemblance - that of Jesus.

Conformation or conformity means to take the shape of something. In our case, we are choosing to take the shape of the life of Jesus. This isn’t just a few practices here, a few beliefs there, and a few programs along the way. It is to take on the pattern, the personality, and the lifestyle of Jesus Christ. We all enter this world, corrupted by sin and the flesh, living in the world under the power of the evil one. We bear the image of Adam, our fallen father. But in Christ, we are made new and now bear his image. 1 Corinthians 15:49 puts this beautifully: "And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall we bear the image of the heavenly man."

Becoming like Jesus is not optional for disciples of Jesus. 1 John 2:5-6 says: "This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did." 

How then do we begin a journey of conforming to his image?

CONFORMED THROUGH DEATH

To become a Christian is to die to self and live to God. It is to repent and believe in Christ and join him in his suffering and death. Our lives are mysteriously united with his, but our death is also his death. That is what baptism symbolizes for a Christian. At our church we say, "buried with Christ in the likeness of his death, raised to walk in newness of life."

Paul is going to talk about this mystery in Galatians 2:20. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."  The journey of conformation is a journey of death. Paul continues in Galatians 5:24 stating, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."

The way of conformity is to die to the system of the world that seeks to mold us into its image.
The way of conformity is to die to the self-justifying religious self, seeking to earn its way to God.
The way of conformity is to die to our sinful self, the one bent on making us the god of our own lives.

We renounce these things, turn away from them with all our might, and follow Jesus to the cross. Ayn Rand once wrote, ‘The first right on earth is the right of the ego.’ Followers of Jesus have a different vision: The first right in the kingdom is self-denial.

CONFORMED THROUGH STRUGGLE

This death is a one-time decision, a legal verdict and a switching of allegiance, but it is a decision that must be lived out constantly, even daily as Jesus reminds us. To become a Christian is to receive the glorious power and life of Jesus, and it’s to die a painful, often humiliating death to our ego-driven self. 

Professor Gerald Sittser has an idea that embodies this well; he calls it becoming a bloodless martyr:

G. K. Chesterton said of Francis of Assisi that he turned martyrdom into a way of life.  For the sake of Christ, he learned to die daily to the gods—ego, pleasure, power, success—that threatened to dominate his life, which was why he lived with such vitality and passion.

Bloodless martyrs, dying to the world, yet filled with kingdom life and passion. What a vision!

Being crucified in the place of public opinion for our vision of Jesus’ exclusive love.
Being mocked and jeered by radical activists for our convictions of historic sexual ethics.
Being attacked by the god of mammon for our simple contentment.
Being snubbed by the elite for standing with the oppressed.
Being rejected by the system of the world for refusing to go along with its secular, dehumanizing agenda.

Men are made to give themselves to something. To exhaust themselves on the field of battle for a worthy cause. We are made to take up something. If we don’t take up our cross and follow Jesus, we will take up something with our strength. And much of the crisis of the modern world is that men are giving themselves to and dying for the wrong things.

Jesus never said…

Take up your politics.
Take up your accomplishments.
Take up your arguments.
Take up your legislation.
Take up your culture wars.

He said we are to take up our cross.

Yes, there may be consequences and implications that bleed into other areas of life, but it will be the blood of self-denial, not the blood of others, we sacrifice for our own self-righteous causes. 

CHOOSING THE WAY OF THE CROSS

Conformity to the image of Jesus happens in large moments, like the testing of faithfulness and the willingness to suffer, but it also happens in small moments, the imperceptible moments of formation that shape who we become over the long haul. And for many of us, living in the West as we do, these are the moments of conformation we must pay attention to. As C.S. Lewis noted:

Every time you make a choice you are turning the central part of you, the part of you that chooses, into something a little different from what it was before. And taking your life as a whole, with all your innumerable choices, all your life long you are slowly turning this central thing either into a heavenly creature or into a hellish creature: either into a creature that is in harmony with God, and with other creatures, and with itself, or else into one that is in a state of war and hatred with God, and with its fellow-creatures, and with itself. To be the one kind of creature is heaven: that is, it is joy and peace and knowledge and power. To be the other means madness, horror, idiocy, rage, impotence, and eternal loneliness. Each of us at each moment is progressing to the one state or the other.

You are being conformed to the image of something. Conformation has staggering and eternal consequences. 

Choose the fruit of the spirit over the works of the flesh.
Choose contentment over thoughtless consumerism.
Choose self-denial over dominant selfishness.
Choose enemy love over vengeance and hate.
Choose Jesus over everything. 

THE TERROR AND TRUST OF CONFORMATION

It can be a terrifying thing to choose the way of the cross. Christ himself felt this in the garden and on the cross. But Jesus’ source of comfort and power during the crucifixion was trust in his father. The father who called him his beloved, the father who delighted in him, the father he would be returning to in resurrection glory. The father into whose hands he committed his spirit.

And we will need the father’s love as we die to ourselves and the world around us. We cannot die out of willpower, ideological zeal, or self-righteous defiance. We must die out of love. Love the father lavishes on us. Love for Christ, love for this damaged world, love for a broken humanity. We must learn to entrust ourselves to him as we lose much of what the world craves, believing from the witness of the saints and the faithful that the promises of Jesus are true.

That in dying, we live; in losing, we gain; in pain, we find healing. And on the other side of the cross, a life of resurrection awaits. 

Brothers, let us die that we may live. Let us embrace the fellowship of His suffering. Though painful in the process, glory awaits.

Cheers. 

Jon.

a framework for forming men (pt. 3)

"If we do not make formation in Christ the priority, then we're just going to keep on producing Christians that are indistinguishable in their character from many non-Christians."

Dallas Willard

One of the deepest desires of the human heart is for change. At the core of who we are, we ache to be different, more complete, more whole, more loving. We live with a constant tension between our possibility as a man and the man we are. There are a lot of theories about how a man can change, and in the last few weeks, we have been looking at change and formation in the way of Jesus. 

I have outlined a pathway of formation that follows these movements:

FORMATION
DEFORMATION
COUNTERFORMATION
TRANSFORMATION
CONFORMATION

Today we are looking at a vision of counter-formation.

We all long for transformation. So much of modern marketing is designed to sell us a different version of ourselves. Different bodies, different mindsets, different relationships, different jobs, different values. But this surface-level change never gets to the depths of the change we really long for. 

When King David was confronted with his sin, brokenness, and deformation, his cry wasn’t for a new set of circumstances or a lifestyle upgrade. It was a cry for a new heart. To be formed out of the way of brokenness and into the way of healing. Thus, his prayer after his confrontation of adultery and murder:

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."

Psalms 51:10

We too have parts of our lives and story we desperately wish could be different. We have our own sexual failure and addictions, our own bitterness and envy, our own frustration and judgments, our own victimhood and entitlement. 

The good news of the gospel is that Jesus came to bring change. 

Transformation for a Christian man is different than transformation in other men’s movements. For the Christian, we are renewed from the inside out by the power of the Spirit, not changed by willpower, sucking it up, trying harder, making our beds, or making peace with our past. These things may happen as a result of our transformation, but they are not the source of it.

For the Christian, our process of counter-formation comes from within.

We are not left alone to try and change ourselves. When we turn to Jesus in repentance and faith, the Spirit opens our eyes to see what is happening in our hearts. He makes us aware of the ways we have been shaped by the world, the places the flesh has control, and the influence satanic systems are exerting on us. The war between the flesh and the spirit becomes clear, as Galatians 5:19-23 notes.

"The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity, and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

We see where we have been deformed and how the spirit wants to form us.

The Spirit then empowers, leads, and guides us to follow the way of life and leave the way of death. Galatians 5:24-25 goes on to say:

"Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit."

This is a process of putting off and putting on.

Robert Mulholland notes the importance of replacing vice with virtue, and counter-formation where there has been deformation.

"Even if we could rid the soil of our life of every weed, every evil growth, all that would remain is a barren, sterile plot of dust. Our vices must be replaced with virtues; our false self-supplanted by our life hidden with Christ in God."

This is the great journey of becoming our true self in a process of counter-formation that Paul talks about in Ephesians 4:20-24: 

"That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

We learn to think differently, fight the flesh, embrace the person God has made us, and walk in power and holiness.

The spirit is now counter-forming us out of the way of the world and into the way of Jesus. 

Where there was once lust, there is now self-control.
Where there was once pride, humility is formed.
Where there was once apathy, passion emerges.
Where there was once wrath, gentleness flourishes.
Where there was once envy, contentment comes into play. 
Where there was once greed, generosity breaks through. 

Slowly our desires, mindsets, habits, practices, and way of life become what Jesus had in mind. Our new self breaks through in the midst of the old self. We learn to walk with Jesus and become who we truly are. 

Although this is a glorious vision, it can be a brutal war. 
To confront the flesh, tear down strongholds, and come to terms with how deep a hold sin has had in our lives can be startling. But there is a profound sense of joy, relief, and freedom as the Spirit works in us.

The war is worth it.
Change is attainable.
Healing available.
Transformation possible.

Your life is now hidden with Christ in God.
Put to death the false self, so your true self can emerge and you can become the person God intends, the person you long to be.

Praying this becomes more real in your life this week.

Cheers.

Jon.

a framework for forming men

Then the LORD God formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being.
Genesis 2:7

"The most important thing in your life is not what you do; 
it’s who you become. That’s what you will take into eternity." 
Dallas Willard

You won’t become the man God wants you to be by accident. 
You won’t develop your redemptive potential passively. 
You don’t live in a neutral world; you live in heavily contested space.
You are being formed by something, into someone.

Are you aware of what those forces are, and who you are becoming?

We are all consciously and unconsciously moving toward a model of what a man is supposed to be. Stereotypes abound. Does a man like trucks, sports, and beer? Or is a man emotionally vulnerable, gentle, and kind. Does a man lift weights and hunt, or does a man think deeply, sit quietly, and draw? This debate has turned into a culture war. Stereotypes are often calcified, sides are drawn, and preferences are moralized. 

Most of this is a distraction. As a follower of Jesus, the vision of what you are called to become is not defined by stereotypes, scripts, or strong opinions. 

You are called to become like Jesus.

So how can you wake up and understand the ways you are being formed and intentionally pursue formation in the way of Jesus? 

Over the next 5 weeks, I am going to explore a pathway of spiritual formation for men. We are going to cover:

FORMATION
DEFORMATION
COUNTERFORMATION
TRANSFORMATION
CONFORMATION

Today, I’ll share a few thoughts on formation. 

FORMATION 

My dear children, for whom I am again in the pains of childbirth until Christ is formed in you…
Galatians 4:19

The world has a vision for you as a man.
The world wants you to be a greedy, unrestrained, anxious consumer. Addicted to dopamine rewards through trivial pursuits. 

Satan has a vision for you as a man.
The enemy wants you to be a selfish man fixated on entitlement, victimhood, selfishness, success, sex, pleasure, and power.

Jesus has a vision for you as a man.
He wants you to be a godly, passionate, life-giving man.

The great goal of your faith is not to fulfill the world's idea of manliness, perform religious duties to earn favor with God, or pick culturally driven fights in the systems of the world.
The one consuming goal of your life is to be formed into the image of Jesus.
This means you learn to love what he loves, hate what he hates, feel what he feels, see how he sees, want what he wants, respond how he responded, and become like him.

As Richard Foster notes. 
"The aim is not external conformity, whether to doctrine or deed, but the re-formation of the inner self—of the spiritual core, the place of thought and feeling, of will and character. ‘Behold,’ cries the psalmist, ‘you desire truth in the inward being; therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart... Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me’ (Ps. 51:6,10). It is the ‘inner person’ that ‘is being renewed day by day’ (2 Cor. 4:16)."

Jesus is the only one worthy of imitation and devotion. He is the greatest man who has ever lived. No one in all of history has integrated strength and tenderness, courage and compassion, anger and love like Jesus. No one has shown power and restraint, love for the individual, and critique of systems like him. He creates space for redemption in the midst of despair, hope for the future in heartbreaking failure, and vision of another kingdom big enough to give your life to.

Jesus longs to lead you out of the shadows of your shameful and sinful self and invite you into a journey of being renewed in his image. Learn how to see what God has for you and pay attention to how he is shaping you. Surrender to the Spirit as your inner life, thoughts, emotions and will become like Jesus and lead you to respond, act, move and love like Christ in the world.

This is not outward conformity and religious performance.
This is not cultural conformity to its values and practices.
This is deep inner formation into the image of Jesus.

Fix your eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of your faith.
Set your heart on things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
Put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

Isn’t it life-giving to know you don’t have to perform a masculine identity like some kind of cultural costume to be deeply loved and accepted by God?

God is committed to forming you into the image of Jesus.

This is the beginning of all transformation for a man - learning to become like the most compelling one who has ever lived. 

You are well on your way.

Cheers.

Jon.

the effect of a man

"When your life gets to the stage of being mindful and concerned with impacting and blessing lives, then you are pursuing wholeness as an individual." 
Sunday Adelaja

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."
Proverbs 4:23 

How does a man measure his life?
This is a question we must all ask and settle in our hearts.

At this point, we know that heroic achievement without integrity is nothing more than tragedy. 

We know some of the most educated men in the world live with a deficit of wisdom and application that causes chaos around them.

We also know that it’s possible to have financial resources but live in relational poverty.

How do you measure your life?

Here is my answer to that nagging question: 

Life is measured by the effect we have on others. 

Psychologists have a term called the emotional field. 
It is the experience others have of us when they enter our presence. It’s the relational radius that flows from our inner self to those around us. Our emotional field determines the effect we have on those who live in proximity to us and those who encounter us in daily interactions.

Your emotional field is the primary way you affect others. 
It tells the story of your heart and teaches others the value you have for them. 
A father can affect his family, for good or bad, in staggering ways with his emotional field.

I have always been moved by this poem on the damage a father’s emotional field can play in a child’s life:

WEATHER
By Linda Pastan

Because of the menace
your father opened
like a black umbrella
and held high
over your childhood
blocking the light,
your life now seems
to you exceptional
in its simplicities.
You speak of this,
throwing the window open
on a plain spring day,
dazzling
after such a winter.

Oh, what haunting lines.

A menace like a black umbrella held over a childhood.

Gut punch.

As fathers, we can block out the light or let the day in.
We have the power to shut out the sun or dispel the darkness. 

Which do you want to do to those around you?
Which of these are you doing to those around you?

One way to assess our impact on others is simply to ask.

"How do you experience me?" 
"How do I affect you?" 

This is like a 360 review from those that matter most to you. 

This kind of feedback can actually be hard to hear, but it is a gift.

I remember my wife sitting me down once, with love and great courage. She said something to this effect:

"I want you to know you are driving us away right now with the emotional energy you are bringing home from work and into the house. You are short with us and a cloud of stress is hanging around you. You may not be able to see it, but we can all sense it. The kids and I don’t deserve the drama you are dealing with out there to hurt us in here. I know you are frustrated and dealing with massive challenges, but we love you for who you are not what you do. At the end of the day, we just want a joyful man to step into this house."

I knew my wife was right. She deserved better than a tired, snappy man bringing the weight of the world to bear on his family. She wanted a man who had something left in the tank. Not a man who spent all he had fighting the world, but only had emotional scraps of ambition and love to give to those who needed him most at home.

She wanted light and joy and love to enter whenever I showed up.

She was right. She was calling the best out of me. 

I received the word. 

I started to create a ritual to give my kids my emotional best and to make my presence in the home a joy.

I would simply pause for 1 minute before I walked in and reframe my mind.

I would take off the stress mentally, smile, and think about the kind of man I wanted to be.

I would say a little liturgy like this while staring at the door:

I will be an emotionally available husband tonight.
I will listen with empathy and show interest with attention.
I will pursue my wife’s heart and resist being defensive.
I will proactively do chores without being asked.

I will be a strong and tender father tonight.
I will be playful and curious and joyful.
I will be patient and present.
At heart, I am a fun man.

I summon Godly energy.
Tonight, will count.
I’m going in. 

Once, my neighbor in the apartment across the hall - a tough man who had AIDS from years of drug addiction - stuck his head out.

"Yo JT, I see you standing in front of the door at night and staring before you go in. Why do you do that man? Everything good?"

"Yeah mate, all good. I am trying to leave the crap from the city out here so I don’t screw my kids up in there." I replied.

A few moments later he answered, in a strained voice, "I wish my Pops had done something like that."  

I didn’t always get it right, and I had to keep working on it, but slowly a different person began showing up. That small space enabled me to shift states and show up as the man I wanted to be. The man they deserved.

This takes real work as a man. 
Be default, the world will beat a man down. It will erode his soul and zap his strength. It will leave him frustrated, exhausted, reactive and cold. 

Robert Bly writes, "What the father brings home today is usually a touchy mood, springing from powerlessness and despair, mingled with longstanding shame and the numbness peculiar to those who hate their jobs."

That’s why the exhortations of scripture address men like this:

Husbands love your wives, and don’t be harsh with them. (Col 3:19)
Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (Col 3:21)

Guarding your heart so that you have a gracious emotional field is one of the keys to life.

God has put a river of living water at the center of your being, and the world seeks to block the flow. Allow that river of life to spill out and bless all those who come near.

Think about Jesus’ emotional field. It

Emboldened fishermen
Healed women covered in shame
Attracted sinners
Drew children
Restored failures

And he invites men like you and me to do the same. 

I close with another poem - one about a man who guards his heart from the harshness of the world to create an emotional field of love. 

AFTER WORK
By Richard Tones

Coming up from the subway
into the cool Manhattan evening,
I feel rough hands on my heart-
women in the market yelling
over rows of tomatoes and peppers,
old men sitting on a stoop playing cards,
cabbies cursing each other with fists
while the music of church bells
sails over the street,
and the father, angry and tired
after working all day,
embracing his little girl,
kissing her,
mi vida, mi corazón,
brushing the hair out of her eyes
so she can see.

A menacing umbrella that blocks out the light or brushing hair out of the eyes of those you love so they can see.

How should you measure your life?

Measure your life by love.

Cheers.

Jon.

how to disciple your attention

“they may be ever seeing but never perceiving, and ever hearing but never understanding.”
Mark 4:12

“The most dangerous distractions are the ones you love, but that don’t love you back.”
Warren Buffet

According to a survey by Microsoft, the average human attention span in the year 2000 was 12 seconds.

Today, that has shrunk to 8 seconds.

8 Seconds. Let that sink in. Our experience of reality is found in that tiny little window.

No wonder Instagram is so committed to Reels over still images. No wonder TikTok has the doom scroll feature set to keep you perpetually hooked in the 8 second zone.

This reduction in attention span has real consequences. 

Concentration and contemplation are becoming more and more elusive. Being present is becoming harder to sustain. Thinking deeply is all but gone. Remembering key conversations, important details, names, and faces is all becoming a challenge.

• It’s hard to have dinner and move from one conversation to another without feeling like I am missing out on something somewhere out there.

• It’s hard to watch kids’ games on the sideline without feeling like I could use the time more productively or sneak in a podcast.

• It’s hard to see the details of my wife’s life when I am so aware of the details of the major events of the world.

• It’s hard to sit through a worship service and open myself to the presence of God without thinking about the game coming up that afternoon or the work meeting on Monday. 

Is it even possible to fight back? Are we destined to live more superficial and distracted lives? Do we have to get rid of technology and move off grid?

THE POWER OF FOCAL PRACTICES

Awareness of the problem is one thing; resistance another. But reclaiming attention and living deeply is the real goal. Enter: the power of focal practices.  

Albert Borgman introduced the concept of focal practices in his book Technology and the Character of Contemporary Life. In it, he notes that the Latin word focus means hearth. The hearth was known as the center of the home. “For the Romans, the focus was holy, the place where the house gods resided. In ancient Greece, a baby was truly joined to the family and household when it was carried about the hearth and placed before it. The union of a Roman marriage was sanctified at the hearth. And at least in the early periods, the dead were buried by the hearth. The hearth sustained, ordered, and centered house and family.”

SUSTAINING, ORDERING, CENTERING.

The key to being present in the actual life God has given you is in reclaiming focus. It’s establishing a hearth of devotion at the center of your life that everything is drawn back to. Rather than living depleted, chaotic, and scattered lives, focal practices pull us back, help us re-center on what matters, and sustain our hearts.

The goal of focal practices is not primarily for the sake of rest or joy (though they often do this), but for the retraining and discipling of your attention. Focal practices teach you to observe what you have been blind to in your life. They help you see what you may have been missing due to distraction or the violent pace in which we live. 

THINGS THAT DEMAND YOUR PRESENCE

Focal practices are about active receptivity verses passive consumption. They are about directing awareness. 

An example of a focal practice is bird watching. Bird watching requires focus. You have to notice the difference in the species of bird, their feathers, their flight patterns, their song. You must learn imperceptible details often discerned at high speed. You also have to wait patiently for a bird to appear. You can’t summon them or control them. They arrive as a gift over which you have no control.

Fly fishing is another focal practice. The trout do not work for you. You cannot life hack the fish. You have to anticipate and receive. Reading the weather, the river, the kind of fly required, discerning their movement in the water, casting upstream in their path. All this demands your presence.

Though I have been bird watching in Central Park and fly fishing upstate, they aren’t focal practices I have worked into my life. But I have chosen to cultivate some that have helped me learn to pay attention in remarkable ways. These things may seem like stereotypical hobbies of a middle-aged man, but they are actually deeply considered activities that have given me back my failing sight.    

MOTORCYCLES
Riding along the Hudson River, heading upstate, or riding around the West Village early on a Sunday morning, I am fully aware and fully alive. Wind in my face, bike under my body, presence and perspective of my surroundings, speed and mortality up front. There is zero chance I will check my phone while riding my bike. 

In the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert M. Pirsig writes,“In a car, you're always in a compartment, and because you're used to it you don't realize that through that car window everything you see is just more TV. You're a passive observer and it is all moving by you boringly in a frame. On a cycle, the frame is gone. You're completely in contact with it all. You're in the scene, not just watching it anymore, and the sense of presence is overwhelming.” 

JAZZ
There are few things as transcendent as a live jazz show in New York City. It is hard not to stand in awe of someone who has mastered an instrument and is bringing their genius to bear in front of you. I remember taking some church planting friends to see John Patitucci at the Jazz Standard one night. Brisket, Old Fashioned, and straight up jazz genius. There was not a phone in sight. Not a side conversation in the room. Just a sense of awe and the divine in our midst. I now listen to music completely differently. 

CIGARS
A man will open his heart over a cigar unlike any other setting. He will say things with a brother around a fire pit that he would never say in a coffee shop around mixed company. The weight in the hand, the smoke rising, the conversation forming. Depth beyond the trivial. A rare ritual of connection that bonds at a primal level. “Let’s grab a stogie” is often code for let me bare my soul.

PHOTOGRAPHY
Photography has retrained my focus more than any other practice. It's learning to see the individual in the masses, the details amidst the blur. My photography stylehas been deeply influenced by Edward Hopper, and it ensures I am never sick of New York and love its people in a profound way. I now see reality through a series of meaningful moments. Light, framing, gestures, details. Photography has slowed my pace and helped me see wabi-sabi like beauty in every area of my life.

POETRY

Reading poetry enables you to see moments of reality we normally walk past. Poetry is a secular form of scripture, but it can also be a portal to the divine. Poetry makes you pause and consider. It lets us hold transience long enough to derive meaning from the passing flow of life. It lets us gaze into the mundane until we can see the wonder happening all around us. Consider what is possible in a few short lines:

Nature’s first green is gold,

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf’s a flower;

But only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf.

So Eden sank to grief,

So dawn goes down to day.

Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost - 1874-1963

I try and write a short poem every night about the most painful or joyful moment of my day.

LIVING INTO FOCUS

I wish I could just “focus and pay attention,” but I can’t. I need help. Focal practices have helped me indirectly, like spiritual disciples do. They are a form of attentional resistance in a world of distraction. They slowly retrain our eyes, tune our ears, and adjust our pace. 

I am finding that now:

• I can meditate on a passage of scripture contentedly and not feel the need to rush through it.

• I can enjoy rich conversations without feeling like I need to “check in” with the rest of the world.

• I can discern the themes and seasons of my life in the midst of all the complexity.

• I am finding God in the ordinary moments, because that’s where he actually is.  

Greg Boyd wrote, “While the true God lives in the now, false gods always live in the past or future. Chasing them to find our worth and significance always takes us out of the present moment.” 

Jesus taught us to be present. The sermon on the mount is basically a masterclass on focal practices. Jesus could discern God’s presence in the poor, the outcast, Samaria, and even the cross.

I pray that we can learn that kind of discernment too. 

Why not try and experiment with a focal practice this week? See if you can learn to discern where the miracle that is your life has been overlooked.  

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

curing the disease of male loneliness

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.
Proverbs 17:17

Confession: 
I have felt lonely a lot of my life. 

For me, true friends have been few and far between. 
Maybe it’s because I am an introvert, or maybe it’s because as a pastor people know the details of my story but rarely the depths of my heart. Either way, I often feel seen but not known. It’s a surreal thing to be surrounded by masses in New York but to feel alone. 

Post Covid has been especially hard. Many of the people I thought I would do life with left the city. Others left the church. Others left our lives for good. Transience takes a toll on love.

Rolheiser writes, "All of us experience, to a greater or lesser extent, a loneliness that results from not having enough anchors, enough absolutes, and enough permanent roots to make us feel secure and stable in a world characterized by transience." 

Anchors, absolutes, and permanent roots? Try as I may, it’s hard to hold these in my life. 
Secure and stable? Things often feel vulnerable and precarious. I often feel one rent increase or job transfer away from another loss of friendship; one bad sermon away from others leaving the church.

More and more these days, I meet men without anchors. In relationships without roots. Men with relational deficits. Men afflicted by the social disease of loneliness. 

Do you ever feel this kind of isolation as a man?

THE "MALE FRIENDSHIP RECESSION"

I recently read an article on Vox about a male friendship recession.

I knew most of it intuitively and in my work as a pastor, but seeing the stats laid out was a painful and brutal confrontation with what is happening in the hearts of men around us. Think about the typical bloke you sit near at church, smile at in small group, or grab a drink with after work. 

Are you aware of this kind of inner sadness shaping their lives?

According to AEI’s Survey Center on American Life and Gallup, the percentage of men with at least 6 close friends fell by half between 1990 and 2021.

One in five single men say they have no close friendships.

Research shows that social isolation can weaken the immune system and make someone more likely to suffer from a variety of ailments including Alzheimer’s, high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes and cancer.

Men are less likely than women to share their personal feelings and receive emotional support from friends (41% in women, 21% in men).

Men are less likely to tell their friends that they love them (49% in women to 25% in men).

Men stuck in restrictive gender roles are 7 times more likely to use physical violence and twice as likely to have had suicidal thoughts.

US clinical psychologist Ronald F. Levant suggests the term "normative male alexithymia" (NMA) to describe the inability of men to put words to their feelings.

This email has been hard to write. I may have a mild case of NMA :) 

BUILDING A CIRCLE OF RESILIENCE

As men, we need brothers. We need people to weep with, laugh with, celebrate with and confess to. We need to carry burdens and have ours lifted, speak the truth in love, and be rebuked with kindness. Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy, says Proverbs. 

But it’s so hard in our transient world to find brothers with whom you can grow deep. 

It’s hard to share without feeling ashamed of your failures and mistakes, especially when you feel you should be further along.
It’s hard to reveal our longings and hopes for fear of rejection or ridicule.
It’s hard to create space for people when they share things you don’t feel equipped to handle.
It’s hard to meet new friends and not come across as weird when you suggest you want to move beyond the trivial. 

To be honest, outside of work acquaintances and friends from college, it’s hard to even know what to look for in a friend. How can you even begin to build relational equity in a male relational recession?

DISCERNING FRIENDSHIPS

Aristotle had a lot to say about friendship in his book The Nicomachean Ethics. In his view, friendship is the bedrock of a good society. Family has its obvious value and sexuality is an appetite to be measured, but friendship is a gift worth devoted pursuit.

He lists the three kinds of friendships we encounter in life.

Friendships of utility. 
These are friendships built on extracting value, in which others are primarily seen as a commodity. This is using people for ourselves. This is being in relationships with others because of the way they alleviate our boredom or because of the credibility we get out of associating with them. These are not the kinds of people who will ever see our tears. 

Friendships of pleasure. 
These are friendships built on enjoyment. Fantasy football leagues, rooting for the same teams, the hobbies of men. These can be filled with joy, but lack the depth of vulnerability we all need. It would be weird in the middle of a fantasy league draft night to call a halt to the preceding and confess your attraction to another woman at work or a painful sense of God’s absence in your devotional life. It’s simply not the time, place, or framing of what you do in these spaces. 

The third kind of friendships is true friendship. 
These are relationships built on mutual love, genuine concern, and a desire for the good of the other.

It is this kind of friendship that our hearts ache for and that we must pursue to have our soul healed from the disease of loneliness. 

THE TRAITS OF TRUE FRIENDSHIPS

When you read the Scriptures, you see that the kingdom of God moves along relational lines. On the pages of scripture, we see depth, sacrifice, joy and loyalty all modeled for us to behold. These give us clues to the kind of men we need in our lives today. Here are a couple I have noticed and seek to pursue in my life:

FRIENDS WHO WILL RISK FOR YOU (PRISCILLA AND AQUILLA) 
Greet Priscilla and Aquila, my co-workers in Christ Jesus. They risked their lives for me. Not only I but all the churches of the Gentiles are grateful to them. Greet also the church that meets at their house.
Romans 16:3-5

Paul traveled as an apostolic leader and was often forced to move and flee due to persecution. Being his friend came at a cost. But Priscilla and Aquilla were willing to risk themselves for Paul. They risked their resources to support his calling; they risked their time to help plant churches with him; they risked their hearts by uniting themselves to a call.

Pay attention to the folks who say yes. Who will believe in the crazy idea, join you for the last-minute road trip, invest in your latest vision, and stand by you when it costs them status, reputation or resources. Build your life with people like this. Be a friend like this.

FRIENDS WHO REFRESH YOU (ONESIPHORUS)
May the Lord show mercy to the household of Onesiphorus, because he often refreshed me and was not ashamed of my chains. On the contrary, when he was in Rome, he searched hard for me until he found me. 
2 Timothy 1:16-18

Certain people give you life simply by their presence. They have the ability to lift you out of whatever sorrow or pain you are in and bring you back to joy. They irrigate your heart in times of relational drought.  

Henri Nouwen commented about friends like this. He said, "When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand."

FRIENDS WHO ENCOURAGE YOU (BARNABAS)
We live in critical and cynical time. People feel entitled to lash out and criticize like it’s a societal right. Sniping post on social media, subtle jabs in the lobby, passive aggressive emails, brutal confrontations. It is soul destroying and demoralizing. A steady diet of criticism and complaint will bleed a man’s heart dry. 

But there are also people who build you up. Those who come alongside you to stir your faith and build your spirit. Barnabas was a man like this. 

He gave generously to the fledgling Christian movement (Acts 4:36-37).

He assured the believers of the genuine conversion of a persecutor-turned-Christian named Saul, later known as Paul (Acts 9:26-27).

He brought Saul to teach believers at Syrian Antioch, releasing him into ministry (Acts 11:25-26).

He joined Saul in bringing famine relief to the Christians in Judea (Acts 11:30).

FRIENDS WHO FIGHT FOR YOU. (EPAPHRODITUS)
But I think it is necessary to send back to you Epaphroditus, my brother, co-worker and fellow soldier, who is also your messenger, whom you sent to take care of my needs.
Philippians 2:25

There are people who support your vision, and then there are people who support you. These are the ones you can count on when the warfare gets real. They cover you in prayer. They fight for your heart. They join you in your cause. They rescue you when you get stuck. They refuse to quit on you when things get hard. And they are loyal when others turn away. 

These people remind us of the faithfulness of Jesus. They are another incarnation of the stubborn love of God. When crap gets hard, they dig in. They have your back, stand beside you, and clear a path in front of you. They ensure you never go to war alone.

FRIENDS WHO WILL TELL YOU THE COSTLY TRUTH (NATHAN)
Rebuking a king can be hard. Rebuking him for murder and adultery is harder still. Yet Nathan had the courage to do this to king David for his relationship with Bathsheba and murder of Uriah. "You are the man!" Nathan told David. (2 Samuel 12:5-7)

Yet, this rebuke was done in love, and Nathan remained loyal, even to the ends of his days. Proverbs 27:5 says, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love. Wounds from a friend can be trusted."

You don’t need people hyping you up, overlooking your weaknesses, ignoring your faults. You need friends like Nathan who will call you out, then stand beside you to help you walk out the consequences.

BECOMING THE FRIEND YOU LONG FOR

Jesus calls us to lay down our lives for our friends. He calls us to love one another as he has loved us. The best way to find true friendship is to become one yourself. I know it can feel forced and even strained to begin to move toward other men in these ways, but you never know how God will move when you obey his commands of love. You never know how even the smallest acts of relational courage could mature into oaks of belonging in your life.

You never know when the holy place in your heart will open.

Rolheiser writes, "We all have this place, a place in the heart, where we hold all that is most precious and sacred to us. From that place, our own kisses issue forth, as do our tears. It is the place we most guard from others, but the place where we would most want others to come into; the place where we are the most deeply alone and the place of intimacy; the place of innocence and the place where we are violated; the place of our compassion and the place of our rage. In that place, we are holy." 

My prayer for you is that God would grant you loyal brothers. That you would be known, loved, accepted, held accountable and encouraged. That you would have men who would meet you in that place in your heart called holy. Christ himself is waiting there.

Cheers.

Jon.

teaching your kids nuanced thinking in a simplistic world

There is too much simplistic thinking in the world today.

It does relational damage, dehumanizes others, and causes us to live like fools. Simplistic thinking in complex times can lead to manipulation, loss of credibility, and unnecessary pain in the future.

A brief warning: people with nuanced thinking will be penalized in a sound bite culture, and emotional appeals will do better in the short term than well-reasoned arguments. It’s hard to create space when people are in the grip of anxiety and their sense of self worth or identity is threatened. But when done from a place of love, with gentle and careful instruction, we can help people understand a more mature way of processing and responding to the things in our world today.

Here are 7 layers of thinking to create nuance around complex issues that you can begin to develop in your kids. God willing, they can learn and think deeply in a shallow world.

PRINCIPLE (Baseline, biblical thinking)
What does the Bible teach on this issue? How does the Old Testament speak to this? How does the New Testament modify this? How does Jesus inform this? If not directly mentioned, what are the biblical principles related to this issue? What is our interpretive lens in this situation? What have the church fathers and mothers said about this in redemptive history? What have credible Christian ethicists and theologians taught on this? We have to start by developing convictions about whose authority we sit under on an issue and why. Then, push people to articulate their own.

PERSONAL (Where I come from)
All of us have a personal history that informs the way we think. Our family of origin, religious background, education, experiences and exposure to the world shape how we interpret things. We should take time to interrogate our own thinking, and then explain to people the convictions we have developed and the lenses that have shaped them. “Here is where I am coming from and why.” Self-awareness and reflection is essential.

PASTORAL (Love and care for people)
Truth without love closes ears to our message. Tone is everything. We need to realize we are not just dealing with issues; we are dealing with people whose lives matter to God. We must stop talking about the “LGBTQ issue” and talk about LGBTQ people. We must stop talking about the “immigration issue” and talk about immigrants. We should stop talking about the “race issue” and talk about people’s experience of race. Before engaging in a conversation, we should be able to articulate a person’s concerns and position fairly and in such a way that they would agree. People need to feel like their concerns are heard and understood.

PUBLIC (Cultural implications)
We live in a pluralistic society where we are called to balance rights and responsibility, freedom and boundaries, the individual and the whole. We have to participate in a shared social contract. Because our world no longer holds to a Judeo-Christian moral framework, we need to be able to make the case for why our convictions are true to God’s vision for human flourishing, and how society will benefit from our way of life. ‘Principled pluralism’ is what Richard Mouw calls it. We need to articulate a robust, life-giving argument and philosophy that engages all who live in our world today. 

POLICY (Legal implications)
Legal policy expands and shrinks the horizon of possibility for various groups. Think about how the overturning of Roe v. Wade has done that. For some, it expands possibility for the unborn. For others, it closes possibility for women seeking abortion. We need to articulate how a law impacts society by the kind of horizons it creates. We have to think through a legal lens, and not just a personal one. Do these policies create a society we want to live in? Do these policies promote justice, fairness, respect? Do these policies make our world more or less like God wants it? 

PRECEDENT (What will this allow, intended and unintended?)
Most people don’t think about the precedents our decisions make and the cultural norms they establish. In the political fighting and clamoring of the moment, rarely do we think through the unintended consequences and long-term impact of decisions we make now and how they impact future generations. No fault divorce has radically shaped how generations of people think about marriage. Environmental policies based purely on large corporate interests can shape the literal environment we live in. Precedents happen at societal levels and personal ones. The decisions we make as individuals shape our own stories too. What will this allow and forbid in my life, and what sort of person will I be formed into as a result of it?

PROPHETIC (Truth to power)
There will be times we hold convictions and positions immensely unpopular with the larger culture. How we hold these is as important as what we hold. There are times to be angry about what is happening, times to lament, times to confront, times to weep, and times to be bold in a world of compromise. We have to learn how to speak the truth against lies, advocate against injustice, protect children, fight for women, and hold to biblical convictions even when they cost us. But we must always do this with love. We can never take on the spirit of that which we oppose.

A VISION

The culture our kids are growing up in requires immense discernment and wisdom to navigate as faithful followers of Jesus. Dumping content in our kids’ minds will not be enough; we have to help them learn to think biblically and holistically through a lens of love.

Though there is much more to be said on critical thinking, I hope this gives you a good starting point to discuss through issues with your kids. May God raise up a new generation of the sons of Issachar, “who understood the times and knew what Israel should do.”

Thanks for all you are doing with your own kids to help them arise.

Cheers.

Jon.

12 words for clarity in confusing times

"And Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man." Luke 2:52

These are confusing days for men.

Sociologists tell us our biology is both oppressive and irrelevant to understanding gender in modern life. Theologians tell us we have to either lead women because God designed them to submit, or dismiss gender entirely and just focus on the spiritual gifts present in each other’s lives. In the work place, gender differences are both celebrated and weaponized at the same time, while that which we feel we can bring to the table as men is often trivialized or criticized in stereotypical ways that don’t line up with who we actually are.

To be clear, I’m not trying to say men are victims. We have held the majority of control throughout human history and have, at times, done so very badly. We have used our power in ungodly ways and done tremendous damage. I am, however, trying to articulate the frustration many men feel in this time of correction and overcorrection around masculinity. I am worried all the debates and shaming are robing us from living with full hearts. I am worried that the strengths men bring to the world will be buried in fear as we are told we are a threat and not a gift.

When men lack clarity about how to live in the world, it leads to a kind of masculine malaise. Instead of living from healthy and passionate hearts and using our strength to serve the world, many let their gifts lay dormant and bury them out of fear. This tends to manifest itself in 2 ways.

COMPLIANCE
Doing what is socially acceptable in the given moment.
Holding back true convictions out of fear of criticism.
Giving into godless ideology for the sake of peace.
Not asking questions that cause concern. 

Head down, shut up, go along.

ESCAPISM
Finding niche environments to discharge strength not welcomed in larger life. Video games, tough mudders, online groups.
Watching porn or randomly hooking up to avoid having to work through relational rejection and pain.
Numbing out by watching series after series on Netflix that don’t demand anything from you but create a sense of accomplishment simply by watching them.

Discharge, resonance, zero progress in life.

IN A TIME OF CONFUSION, DO THE CLEAR STUFF

Sometimes doing the simplest things can lead to momentum in larger things. Doing the clear thing can provide clarity in the confusing thing. 

I have tried to reduce biblical masculinity down to its essence - just 12 words - so you can focus on living out these few things with passion and conviction, using the progress as momentum for more nuanced discipleship and mission. Consider this the kindling to start a bonfire of devotion to Jesus for the rest of your life:

WORK and KEEP
LORD and KINGDOM
NOURISH and CHERISH
TRAIN and INSTRUCT
ENEMY and NEIGHBOR
GLORIFY and ENJOY

WORK and KEEP.
Genesis 2:15 tells us: “The LORD God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.”

Work. Make something of your life. Get a job and do it with all your might. Seek to be the best at whatever you do. Find joy and satisfaction at doing something that provides for yourself, benefits others, gives you a chance to love your coworkers, and provides money to meet your needs and be generous. Do more than is asked and do it with a good attitude (simply refusing to complain will set you apart from 98% of other men). View work as a school of formation, and you will be amazed at the dignity and confidence that comes from a simple job. Fight the futility of the fall by doing things in Jesus’ name. 

Keep. Guard the culture you are responsible for. Keep the bad stuff out. You can’t do this for the whole world, but you can do it for your world. Resist unhealthy intruders. Stop being naïve to the threats of the things God has entrusted you with. Be hard to get past in a passive society. Oh how different history would have been if Adam had said to the serpent, "Shut up, get out, you are not welcome here.”

LORD and KINGDOM.
Lord. All of us have a lord. For many, it is the self. But our lord can be sex, money, power, recognition, anything. Make Jesus your Lord. Give him control over every part of your life. Surrender yourself - heart, soul, mind and strength to him. Be fiercely loyal to him, and go to war with anything that challenges your allegiance. Hudson Taylor wrote, 

“How few of the Lord’s people have practically recognized the truth that Christ is either Lord of all or he is not Lord at all! If we can judge God’s word, instead of being judged by it, if we can give God as much or as little as we like, then we are lords and he is the indebted one, to be grateful for our dole and obliged by our compliance with his wishes. If, on the other hand, he is Lord, let us treat him as such. ‘Why call ye me, Lord, Lord, and do not the things which I say?’ [Luke 6:46].”

Kingdom. Seek first the kingdom of God. Don’t run after the same things pagans do - power, pleasure, prestige, possessions. Go after what matters to God. His glory, building the church, seeking justice, caring for the poor, pursuing righteousness, loving sacrificially, using your gifts. Set kingdom standards and kingdom goals, and let them inform your ambition, direction and pursuits. 

NOURISH and CHERISH.
Woman are not objects for men’s gratification. Women are not servants to help men live out project self. Woman are equal partners who need to be honored and valued. Ephesians 5 tells us that this is the way Christ treats the church and the way we are called to treat our wives.

The word nourish means ‘to build up, strengthen, develop and sharpen’. The word cherish means ‘to treasure, value, protect and celebrate’. Treat your wife like this. Tend to your wife’s heart. Make it your goal for her to flourish because she is married to you. Some of you may be saying, “Yeah but the Bible says she is to submit.” Remember, the Bible says that you are to die like Christ did to the church. Worry about that dying part first. Nourish and cherish; every woman wants a man who prioritizes that.

TRAIN and INSTRUCT.
Ephesians 5 tells fathers to bring up their children in the training and instruction of the Lord. Instruction refers to the truth of the gospel and biblical message. Training refers to the ability to live it out and apply it in skillful ways. Invest in your kids with all your might. Prioritize their formation and discipleship. Model godly character, make Jesus attractive, give them all you have. Create an environment in your home where they keep running into the love of God. As Deuteronomy 6 alludes, weave the loving rule and covenant love of Yahweh into every area of life. 

ENEMY and NEIGHBOR.
Our faith is defined by love. Jesus taught us to love our neighbors, whoever they are. Christians should be the most considerate and committed people in their communities. They should be tangible good news on their street and those working for the common good of the places God calls them.

We are also called to go beyond neighbor love to enemy love. Enemy love was one of the distinctives that set the early Christians apart. Jesus put it this way in Luke 6:27-36: “Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you… If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you… But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be children of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

GLORIFY and ENJOY.
Glorify. You were created to glorify God. We glorify God when we lift him up and honor him in all that we do. Paul said to the Colossians in chapter 3:17 “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.”

Point back to God with the influence you have in your world. Have God as the focal point. You can make even the most mundane things sacred by doing them with holy intent. God won’t share his glory with another; you aren’t big enough to handle it. Reflect it back to him.

Enjoy. James 1:17 says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” Enjoy the gift of life. Food, sex, beauty, friendship, nature, art. It's
all from him. I love what Acts 14:17 says, “Yet he has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.”

Enjoying what God gives us is a form of worship. C.S. Lewis wrote, "I have tried to make every pleasure into a channel of adoration."

Learn to glorify and enjoy God in all of life, and you will find joy and stability in times of chaos. 

CONFIDENCE AND CLARITY

You can break out of the masculine malaise without playing into stereotypes and being unnecessarily offensive. If you focus on living these 12 words well, you will gain traction towards deeper devotion.

WORK and KEEP.
LORD and KINGDOM.
NOURISH and CHERISH.
TRAIN and INSTRUCT.
ENEMY and NEIGHBOR.
GLORIFY and ENJOY.

I hope these lay a foundation for Jesus centered discipleship and manhood. Start here, and see what God does next. 

Cheers.

Jon. 

the most important 13 words a dad will ever say

Children ache for blessing. It’s a requirement for a healthy soul. 

Much has been written on blessing, the wounds of its absence and the healing of its presence, yet It seems to be a forgotten concept in our modern world. Regardless of its absence in our cultural conversation, this primal need will resurface in moments of accomplishment and pain. 

But what exactly does it mean to bless someone? How do we heal instead of wound when our hands seem so unskilled in this delicate art? Dallas Willard writes, “Blessing is the projection of good into the life of another.” The most famous scene of blessing in the Bible occurs at the baptism of Jesus. Before Jesus had done any ministry, raised the dead, healed the sick, taught the multitudes or trained disciples, his Father spoke a word of blessing over him. The Father projects the good of heaven into the life of his incarnate son. Jesus’ ministry flowed from blessing, not for it.

Most of us move through life in an unblessed state. Rarely have we been valued, recognized, affirmed and loved to the degree that our hearts need to thrive. We are left wondering if we are really enough, if we have what it takes, if our shame will ever be removed, our accomplishments ever notice. Worse than that, many of us have been wounded and rejected, a curse in our hearts in the place blessing belongs. 

As Fathers we all ache to bless our kids, but for many it’s hard to know how to actually do it. How do we project good into the life of our children in a Tik-Tok, Fortnite, and gender non-conforming world? 

Matthew 3:16-17 gives us an anatomy of blessing.

“As soon as Jesus was baptized, he went up out of the water. At that moment heaven was opened, and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, whom I love; with him I am well pleased.”

13 words spoken from heaven. 13 words that still speak today. 13 words that made the entire ministry of Jesus possible. 13 words that enabled Jesus to move through the world with a blessed soul. 

Acceptance. This is my beloved son.
Affection. Whom I love.
Affirmation. With him I am well pleased.

This may seem obvious, but from my experience as a pastor meeting with people for the last 25 years, very few, and I mean very few, have experienced these deep realities over the course of their lives. If we cannot give what we do not have, we must recover this felt sense of blessing in our lives.  Blessed people bless people. Cursed people curse people. What is it that is flowing from your heart into the hearts of our kids?

Acceptance.
Do we really accept our kids for who they are? Do they really feel loved simply being themselves? Or are we sending subliminal clues that they need to be something else? Something more, something different, something we want them to be? Do you accept their personalities, their music, their sense of style, their opinions, their emerging views on politics, their sense of self? Of do you want them to be something less annoying, less awkward, more attractive, more intellegent? Do they know that they are seen and accepted for who they are? 

Affection. 
Many parents love their kids, but fail to express that love in ways that connect at a deep emotional level. Many children are wounded by the proverbial Dad who shows his love by working all week to provide, but is emotionally unavailable to enter the smaller world of the childs reality. A simple thought for reflection. Name 3 moments while growing up where your parents showed you deep affection in such a way that it registered in your soul that you were an object of delight? For many, these moments are few and far between. Are you communicating to your kids that they are liked, not just loved, celebrated, not just tolerated? Most parents are affectionate during the early years, but neglect it during the teenage years. I believe you need to double down on affection the older your kids get. Though they won’t come out and say it, teenagers ache for affection, even if awkwardly expressed. 

Affirmation. 
Do we find fault or find joy in our relationship with our kids? Are we speaking words of affirmation over them in such a way that we are cultivating courage, strength, and confidence? What is the ratio of calling out gifts verses correcting behavior? Are we sending them into the world with a voice of blessing in their ears, or a voice of accusation? Are we celebrating progress or complaining about the struggle? Are we affirming the good, or highlighting the bad?
A soul cannot be nagged into a state of delight. It must be affirmed and nurtured there. 

At the deepest part of Jesus being he knew who he was, how his father felt, and how he was doing. It was this inner source of blessing that enabled him to endure betrayal from his closest friends, rejection from the authorities of his day, resist the allure of the praise of man, and entrust his life to his Father on the cross.

If Jesus needed blessing for his calling and mission, and you need blessing as a man, your kids will need this sense of blessing too. They are growing up in a world where Christians are shamed, accomplishments scrutinized, and the risk of being cancelled hovers over every online interaction.  

Gods deepest desire for you is that you experience and enjoy his blessing. This is the wonder and heart of the gospel. You’ve been adopted as his son, you’ve been lavished with his love, you’ve inherited the riches of his grace. No one has the power to shame or cancel you before our great God. You have a blessed soul, may you learn to move through the world that way too.

Why not take a moment this week to specifically bless your kids?

Show them deep acceptance.
Lavish them with affection.
Affirm them for who they are.

13 words changed Jesus life. 
13 words changed your life. 
13 words can change your kids lives.

Speak these words your kids long to hear.

Thanks for taking the time to read this in the midst of all you have going on.

Cheers.

Jon.