get to the gates

“Serving others breaks you free from the shackles of self and self-absorption that choke out the joy of living.”

James Hunter

“We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us.

If it is to lead, do it diligently.”

Romans 12:6-8

I first came to New York in my early twenties after 9/11 to pray for the city.

Our church in Tennessee was looking to build its prayer ministry, so we came to the Brooklyn Tabernacle for their Tuesday night prayer meeting. I was struck by the power of a praying church and by the power of a faithful pastor building his ministry around prayer. I wanted fresh wind and fresh fire.

This week, almost 25 years later, I had dinner with Jim Cymbala. Seated around the table were many of the Fathers of the body of Christ in New York. Both honored and slightly intimidated, it was a revelation to see these men speak freely about their time leading the city.

There was godly power coming from the table of these Fathers.

Most of the men were in their sixties and seventies, with Pastor Cymbala being 81. In my forties, and having been here for twenty years, I still felt like a freshman in the city. Towards the end of the night, Dr. Marc Rivera, a city statesman, turned to me and said something unexpected:

“This needs to be you at some point. You need to become a city father.”
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One of the great tragedies among men today is the lack of aspiration to lead.

Due to the combination of moral failure, narcissism, and suspicion of institutions, many men have backed away from leadership and lost a vision to serve something beyond their own domain.

So many have calibrated their vision to something smaller and safer, settling for personal success instead of kingdom leadership.

We need a generation of men whose hearts are stirred with holy ambition to lead again.
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There is a lot of debate about the dynamics and qualifications of elders in churches today. Issues like divorce, formal theological education, and gender arise, but one issue is rarely mentioned: the need for ambition.

Paul said to Timothy, “Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task.”

Aspiration in Greek means “to set one’s heart on, strive for, desire, long for.”

We need men with vision and aspiration, willing to serve and seek the good of their communities. Like in the days of old, when men gathered at the gates to care for the issues of the city, we need godly men to gather at the gates.

LEADERSHIP AT THE GATES

Proverbs 31:23 says, “Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.”

In the Old Testament, one of the greatest honors for a man was to be an elder at the city gates, a role charged with spiritual and social importance. The gate was where divine law and community values met with the practical affairs of daily life. Elders bridged the sacred and the secular, symbolizing leadership aligned with God's vision for justice, mercy, and prosperity.

We need men to bridge these divides again today.

THE KIND OF LEADERSHIP CITY FATHERS BRING TO THE GATES

Someone is going to shape the future of your community. It will either be activists, corporations, secular elites, power-hungry politicians, incompetent snoozers, or you.

But what influence are we called to bring as Elders and Fathers in the community?

Wisdom and Integrity
Elders at the gates were known for upholding God’s justice and walking in integrity. In a time when truth is often twisted and character compromised, we need leaders who reflect God’s moral clarity, make decisions anchored in righteousness, and live in a way that others can trust.

Public Accountability
In the ancient world, decisions made at the gate were visible to all. It was a place of open deliberation, not hidden manipulation. Today’s leaders must embrace that same posture, leading with transparency, inviting scrutiny, and stewarding influence with humility and honesty.

Guardians of Justice and Mercy
The gate was a place where the vulnerable came to plead their cause. Elders were charged with protecting the weak and ensuring fairness. Modern Fathers must step into this same role: confronting injustice, refusing to be silent in the face of oppression, and embodying both courage and compassion.

Promoting Community Flourishing
Elders helped shape the moral and spiritual health of the city. They were not just legal authorities; they were builders of peace and prosperity. Leaders today must ask, “What does it look like to steward power not for personal gain, but for the good of those entrusted to my care?”

Intergenerational Influence
Wisdom at the gate was passed down through example and mentorship. Elders trained the next generation not only through instruction but also through imitation. We, too, must live in a way worth imitating, investing in those coming behind us and multiplying our impact through intentional guidance.

GET TO THE GATES

We need men who want to get to the gate; those who aspire to be leaders of conviction and compassion, who model integrity and wisdom in a world of corruption and foolishness.

Gentlemen, we need to get our act together and we need to get to the gate.

WORTHY OF IMITATION

Mike Tafoya was the first elder ever installed in our church nearly 20 years ago. Once wild and lost, everything changed when he met Jesus. He went on to live with integrity, become a doctor to serve the broken, raise three godly children, and earn deep respect from our community.

I will never forget what he said at his Elder installation service.

“Jesus has brought me a long way. I have come from generational dysfunction, made it through medical school, and accomplished a lot compared to where I have come from. But there was one honor I always hoped that God would grant. That I would live with such faithfulness to Jesus that others would want to be under my influence as a godly man. That this community believes that about me is the greatest honor of my life.”

Men, we should all aspire to honor like this. That we would walk with God in such a way that others would seek to learn from us. That there would be something astonishing about us because we have been with Jesus. That our lives would be worthy of imitation because of how we follow Christ.
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Leadership in the way of Jesus isn’t about leveraging a platform for gain; it’s seeking power for the good of others. We need men to lead like this again.

We need Fathers. We need Elders. We need godly men at the gates.

Robert Bly reminds us, “A boy cannot become a man without the active intervention of older men.” I believe it’s time for such an active intervention right now.

If you have seen the latest Barna research on the rise of faith, one trend stands out to me: the growing faith of men. Faith among Millennial men is up 19 points, and among Gen Z men, it is up 15 points.

Who is going to disciple them?
Who is going to serve them?
Who is going to make sure their energy is shaped for Kingdom good and not secularism or the self?

The answer? We are. We are going to be the Fathers that the moment needs.
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Later that night, as I walked back to my apartment in Midtown Manhattan, I walked past Times Square Church. David Wilkerson, the founding Pastor, was a Father in the body of Christ, but he is gone now.

He has left a legacy, but also a void.

As I crossed the street in the glow of the lights from Times Square, those words from Dr Mark Rivera came back to me.

“You need to be a city Father.”

Not a tyrant, not an influencer, but a servant.
A man with vision that transcends the boundaries of his own concerns.

As I said my evening prayers, I felt something rise in my heart.

Godly aspiration.

A desire to get to the gate. To love, to serve, to fight for, and to care for the people of this city. Jesus wept over Jerusalem. I want to weep for New York.

Praying God gives you tears for your community, and a vision to be a father at the gate.

Cheers.

Jon.
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Discussion Questions:

1. What internal fear, past wound, or cultural narrative has convinced you that you’re not ready, or worthy, to lead with conviction and purpose?

2. If a younger man were quietly watching your life, what would he learn about how a godly man carries responsibility, handles pressure, and honors Christ? Be specific.

3. Where do you feel a persistent pull toward something greater than yourself, and could that stirring be the voice of God awakening holy ambition? How can you discern the difference between worldly ambition and holy ambition?

4. If your current way of living were multiplied into a legacy, what kind of spiritual inheritance would you leave behind for your family, church, and city?

5. Who are the “Fathers” in your community, and where are the modern “gates”? Take a moment to thank a father who has been faithful in your community this week and ask God for a specific picture of what you can do to serve your community.

woe to you when all men speak well of you

“[We] are being persuaded to spend money we don’t have, on things we don’t need, to create impressions that won’t last, on people we don’t care about.”

Tim Jackson

“Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven."

Jesus

When I first moved to New York in 2005, I met with every Christian leader who would give me time.

I wanted to learn what ministry was like in the city.

I wanted wisdom on how to start a church, reach people far from God, and avoid the traps most people fall into when they move here. I received a lot of wisdom from various sources, but there was one man who gave me advice that has haunted me to this day. It was also the shortest meeting of them all.
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Stan Oakes was the president of The King’s College for many years. He had a wise and gentlemanly demeanor, but you could tell he could throw down if he needed to.

A friend introduced us and set up the meeting, so I started my spiel:

“I’m a young leader with a desire to learn from others in the city who have been here longer than me. I’m asking for any advice you would give me as I start a church in New York.”

He had this big book he had written something in, and he opened the page and read the following words to me from Luke’s Gospel:

“Woe to you when everyone speaks well of you.” — Luke 6:26

“That’s really what you need to know about doing ministry in this city,” he said. “You can’t love the city biblically and need its approval at the same time.”

He offered a few kind words of hospitality, and that was it.

No 10-year strategy. No reading list. No “Let me tell you how we did it back in the day.”

Just a warning, and a holy warning at that.

That was the shortest, most insightful advice I have ever been given.
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We live in a world of reputational management. Maybe it’s because we have a fear of being canceled. Maybe because there’s biblical truth to a good name. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because we want to be liked and need the approval of others more than we’re willing to admit.

Psychologists call this our “social mirror”; we see ourselves not as we are, but as we believe others see us. This deep need to be affirmed, admired, and accepted is hardwired into our nervous system. It touches something primal in us, the longing to belong.

But here’s the problem: if your identity is always up for vote, you will live in chronic anxiety—always adjusting, always performing.

Stan’s advice would ring out in my heart and test me deeply five years later when our church plant was featured in the New York Times on Easter Sunday (you can read the article here).

Being called “The Evangelical Squad” wasn’t exactly a compliment. Something in me bristled at how we were presented. We were caricatured a bit; well-dressed kids with Bibles moving into neighborhoods to do something old in a new way. But then I remembered those nine words.

I wasn’t called to be spoken well of by New York City; I was called to be spoken well of by Jesus.

We did our best to contextualize, preach the truth in love, and genuinely serve our community. But the gospel doesn’t always get applause. It is, as Paul said, “the aroma of life to those being saved, and the aroma of death to those who are perishing.” (2 Corinthians 2:15–16)
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“Woe to you…” These are strong words. Jesus isn’t issuing a casual suggestion here. He’s throwing a warning flare into the sky. When you shape your life around universal approval, you may find you’ve walked off the narrow path. At some point, being faithful to Jesus will put you out of step with culture, critics, and even your own desire to be liked.

This doesn’t mean we chase offense; it means we choose obedience over optics, clarity over comfort, and truth over trends.

Leonard Ravenhill said, “The early Church was married to poverty, prisons and persecutions. Today, the church is married to prosperity, personality, and popularity.”

He goes on to say…

“If we displease God, does it matter whom we please? If we please Him, does it matter whom we displease?

The temptation today is subtle: blend in just enough to gain a following, be edgy but not holy, be spiritual but not surrendered.

I constantly remind myself not to mistake human applause for divine affirmation or to confuse a crowd with a calling.

Sociologists note that living to be universally liked is not only exhausting but also unsustainable. It requires constant self-surveillance, emotional regulation, and social calibration. You have to remember what version of yourself you presented to which group. It’s not just tiring; it fragments the soul.

But Jesus offers something scandalously freeing—you can be fully known and still deeply loved. You no longer need to edit yourself for mass approval when you’re already approved by the One who matters most.

His invitation isn’t “Be impressive”; it’s “Be faithful.”
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There is a deeper kind of success, a hidden kind, that doesn’t show up in headlines or follower counts but echoes in eternity. That’s the kind worth building your life on. Let the world misunderstand you, so long as Christ understands you. Let the city mislabel you, so long as your name is known in heaven.

As much as I love New York and consider it my home, I am only passing through. Even if I am here 40 years, I will still just be an interim pastor. The next generation will lead, I will leave, and the gospel will go forward.

Stan was right.

Woe to you when all men speak well of you.

But the reverse is also true. Blessed are you when Jesus speaks well of you.

Will you join me this week in making that the only voice that truly matters?

Cheers.

Jon.

Discussion Questions:

1. In what hidden place of your life are you quietly shaping your choices more around approval than obedience, and what fear is keeping you from bringing it into the light?

2. When did your love for culture last lead you to compromise your convictions just enough to stay liked, and how did you justify it to yourself?

3. Whose opinion do you fear losing the most, and how is that shaping who you’re becoming when no one’s watching?

4. What relationship or opportunity have you lost, or watered down, because living fully into the gospel felt too costly?

5. If the only reward for faithfulness was being known and approved by Jesus, not seen or celebrated by anyone else, what would you start doing differently today?

start with yourself

“In the evening of life, we will be judged on love alone.”

John of the Cross

“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”

Leo Tolstoy

I have a confession: I struggle with a hidden addiction, and it's one that quietly makes life miserable for me and those around me.

I am addicted to judgment.

I can easily become one of the most critical and judgmental people I know.

My personality doesn’t help. On the Myers-Briggs paradigm, I’m an INTJ (for those who care: introverted, intuitive, thinking, and judging). That “J” part can be particularly challenging. According to the framework, my personality type tends to be overly analytical and judgmental, perfectionistic, uncomfortable discussing emotions, and sometimes appearing callous or insensitive.

But personality tests aside, I know this struggle runs deeper than psychology. It speaks to something profoundly spiritual.

We live in a culture that has perfected the art of judgment. Our political discourse, social media feeds, and even our church conversations overflow with critique. We’ve become experts at noticing others’ failures while remaining novices in examining our own hearts.

I keep coming back to this nagging question: Why the constant urge to judge?

Perhaps it’s because categorizing others into neat boxes of approval or disapproval spares us the messy, uncomfortable work of confronting our own contradictions. But the truth is, our world doesn’t hunger for more critique; it desperately craves mercy.

James puts it bluntly: “There will be no mercy for those who have not shown mercy to others. But if you have been merciful, God will be merciful when He judges you.” The kingdom of God runs on mercy, not judgment.

Tolstoy understood this clearly: “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” It’s always easier to diagnose someone else’s sickness than to submit ourselves to self-examination.

Jesus illustrated this with His unforgettable image in Matthew of logs and specks. A vivid, almost comical picture of someone with a timber protruding from their eye, carefully trying to remove a tiny splinter from someone else’s. “Why do you see the speck in your brother’s eye, but fail to notice the log in your own?” This scene would be hilarious if it weren’t so painfully relatable.

The Pharisees never recognized their pride precisely because they were proud of their humility. That paradox haunts me.

The spiritual life isn’t about gathering knowledge or perfecting our theology; it’s about surrendering to the uncomfortable truth that God is continually renovating us from the inside out. Paul urged the Corinthians to “Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves.” A life of self-examination isn’t just good philosophy; it’s essential discipleship.

In the desert tradition, when monks complained to their elders about another’s faults, elders would often respond gently but pointedly, “And what is this to you?” It wasn’t dismissive; it was an invitation—an invitation to explore their own spiritual journey more deeply.

THE THREE LEVELS OF SELF-AWARENESS

What if we saw irritations as invitations? What if each person who annoys us becomes a mirror reflecting something hidden within ourselves, something we’ve been unwilling or unable to confront?

I have been trying to deepen my awareness of being judgmental to invite Christ to form me.

• Level 1: Noticing someone else’s behavior and judging it.

• Level 2: Recognizing our own habit of judgment: “I see that I am being judgmental right now.”

• Level 3: Asking deeper questions: “What does my judgment reveal about me?”

I am learning, slowly and reluctantly, that my strongest reactions to others usually reveal not only something about them but something essential about me. Carl Jung wisely noted, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”

The people who frustrate me most often carry fragments of my unacknowledged shadow.

Spiritual growth is not about achieving moral perfection; it’s about cultivating compassion—for others, yes, but also for ourselves. It’s about recognizing that our irritations are often invitations in disguise.

James declares, “Mercy triumphs over judgment.” This isn’t sentimental; it’s revolutionary. In a judgment-addicted world, mercy becomes radically counter-cultural. Yet, we cannot extend to others what we haven’t first received ourselves. Mercy must penetrate our own critical hearts before we can genuinely share it.

I’ve discovered, for instance, that my strongest judgments cluster around qualities I struggle with myself. My impatience with others’ inefficiency reveals my discomfort with my own limitations. My irritation at others’ neediness unmasks my hidden hunger for approval. My annoyance at rigidity exposes my own fear of change. This is not about self-condemnation or obsessive introspection. Healthy self-knowledge always leads us back to God and toward others with greater compassion.

Imagine how our homes, churches, and communities might transform if we approached irritations not as opportunities for judgment but as divine invitations to grow. What if our reactions became God’s gentle nudges, pointing us toward areas still needing healing?

John of the Cross captures this beautifully: “In the evening of life, we will be judged on love alone.” Not on being right or expertly diagnosing others’ faults, but on how deeply and authentically we loved. Love begins when judgment turns inward, transforming irritation into a mirror of grace.

The beautiful irony is that as we become less preoccupied with others’ failings and more attentive to our own spiritual growth, we naturally grow more compassionate, recognizing our shared struggles and universal need for grace.

So, what irritates you about yourself? Start there, not with harsh self-criticism, but with honest acknowledgment that opens the door to healing. Those very qualities that frustrate us in others often become our greatest teachers if only we sit with them long enough to hear what they have to say.

What if our judgments aren’t mere reactions but sacred interruptions, revealing not just what’s happening around us but what’s happening within us?

Here’s a simple practice to try:

1. Notice the trigger: When irritation rises, pause.

2. Label your judgment: Identify precisely what you’re judging.

3. Look in the mirror: Ask yourself, “Where does this quality exist in me?”

4. Take one small action: Make one tiny step toward addressing this quality in yourself.

In our divided culture, this practice feels not just spiritually crucial but culturally essential. James reminds us again, “Mercy triumphs over judgment.” In a world drowning in criticism and judgment, mercy gives us a chance to breathe again.

Here’s to becoming a more merciful man.

Cheers.

Jon.

Discussion Questions:

1. Who consistently irritates you, and what specific quality bothers you most about them? How might this quality reflect something about you?

2. When you strongly judge another, what does it reveal about your own insecurities or unresolved issues? Can you think of a recent example?

3. Do you invite trusted friends to identify your blind spots? What would it look like to create humble accountability among your friendships?

4. How does unexamined self-judgment affect your leadership? Share a time when addressing the “log in your own eye” improved how you guided others.

5. Which of your judgment patterns might connect to past hurts? How might recognizing this connection change your approach to others and yourself?

10 words from a modern sage that woke me up this week

"Once you become aware that the main business that you are here for is to know God, most of life's problems fall into place of their own accord."

J.I. Packer

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you,

ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you."

Jesus (John 15:7)

Last week, I got to spend some time with John Eldredge.

It was life-changing.

Not in the hyperbolic way we often use that phrase, but in the quiet, tectonic shifting of priorities that happens when you glimpse something more real than your daily responsibilities and obligations. It was also completely different from what I expected.

God dug a well of joy and insight that I will draw from for many years to come.

This time coincided with my reading of Eldredge's Experience Jesus. Really. A title that might sound simple and obvious until you realize how rarely we do precisely that—experience Jesus, really. Most of us settle for experiencing church programs, theological concepts, religious duties, or spiritual techniques instead of the living Christ.

The greatest takeaway from my time with him was the time spent in prayer together.

It's one thing to read an author’s books but another to get a small glimpse into their life with God.  A startling amount of light came from the crack in the window he opened for me. It made me want to go deeper into my life with God. It created a fresh hunger to keep swimming into the deep end of the pool and away from the wreckage of shallow, modern life.

There is a profound depth to Experience Jesus. Really, and I honestly believe this will become a spiritual classic for generations to come. So, I thought I would share ten words from this book that I believe will shake your sleeping soul and call you back to the ancient path from which too many of us have wandered.

"THE TURNING OF THE HEART" (5 WORDS)

At its core, spirituality is about attention and intention: what we notice and what we choose. The mystic Evelyn Underhill noted that those who experienced God most deeply did so "not because He loved and attended to them more than He does to us, but because they loved and attended to Him more than we do."

The Hebrew Scriptures use the word "return" (shuv) almost a thousand times. This perpetual invitation to reorient ourselves toward God enables daily repentance and awareness of His presence, which becomes a haven in the chaos of modern life. Regardless of what we are facing—sickness, broken relationships, or a cycle of shame—the great invitation speaks into our circumstances that we are welcome to return to God for mercy and grace.

This isn’t primarily a dramatic outward change but an inner orientation of the heart. Like the prodigal son, our physical return is preceded by an interior turn.
You can turn your heart in the middle of a pig pen or the middle of the boardroom. It matters not to God. He is always scanning the horizon of life to welcome our weary hearts home.

It’s worth asking yourself…

Where has your heart wandered?
What preoccupations have displaced God at your center?
What lesser loves have become ultimate concerns?

The spiritual journey always begins with an honest assessment of our current location and then a simple reorientation toward God. All you have to do is turn your heart to Him.

He is slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. He is waiting for you even now.

Turn your heart to Him.

THERE IS NO NEUTRAL (4 WORDS)

Our secular culture lives in the spiritual delusion of neutrality.

It tells us that at each end of the cultural spectrum are extremes to avoid and the middle is where the sensible self settles in.

Yet, C.S. Lewis reminds us:

"There is no neutral ground in the universe: every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter-claimed by Satan."

For my Reformed friends, Kuyper echoes this idea in Lectures on Calvinism.

"In every domain of human life, there is a battle between two principles, two starting points, two worldviews: the regenerate and the unregenerate, the children of light and the children of darkness."

This isn't simplistic dualism but spiritual realism. The self that refuses God's kingdom doesn't remain independent; it merely changes allegiance. When Jesus said, "Whoever is not with me is against me," He wasn't being exclusionary but descriptive.

To opt out of the kingdom of God is to opt into the kingdom of darkness, even if we describe it as the kingdom of self. The kingdom of self is merely a small plot of land in the dominion of darkness.

John, the apostle of love, understood this: "We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one."

Colossians 1:15 says, "For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves."

Eldredge notes…

The World as we envision it—society, culture, commerce, the arts—is under the power of the evil one, meaning it is under his jurisdiction, his rule, his sway. Which means this world that we so often perceive as relatively neutral is actually an extension of the kingdom of darkness. This reality is truly disruptive, even for many followers of Jesus.

I don’t think I would need to convince you of this if you were a Jew living in Nazi Germany or a Christian living in an Islamic regime. But many small European countries were hoping to remain neutral in the early stages of World War II, countries like Belgium and Czechoslovakia. Their fragile delusion evaporated when Hitler’s forces rolled in and swallowed them up in a day.

Our Western Christianity has made peace with the myth of neutrality, finding comfortable middle ground between the kingdom of God and the systems of this world. We've convinced ourselves we can serve both God and mammon by keeping them in separate compartments—Sunday faith and Monday pragmatism.

This is a delusion. This is a lie.

A kingdom of darkness. A kingdom of light. These are your choices.
Children of wrath, or children of God. These are your choices.
Heaven or Hell. These are your choices.
Life or death. These are your choices.

Choose today whom you will serve.
Declare allegiance to the kingdom.
Wake up from the delusion of neutrality and recognize that every choice moves us either toward or away from God.

There is no spiritual Switzerland, folks.

IF (1 WORD)

God’s love may be unconditional, but His blessing is not. We love God's promises but often ignore their context. There is one word that determines what we encounter in our relationship with God.

IF.

"If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." (John 15:7)

Eldredge notes…

That "if" is revelatory. The refuge of God and his Kingdom is only for those who choose to take part in it. This fact is so irritating to human nature. We just want to get on with our life and have God cover us. That’s not quite how things work.

We've been sold a spirituality of entitlement; God's blessings without discipleship's demands. We want Psalm 91's protection without Psalm 91's requirement to "…dwell in the shelter of the Most High." We want John 15's answered prayers without John 15's abiding.

The conditional promises throughout Scripture aren't God being stingy; they're God being relational. Like any genuine relationship, our walk with God involves reciprocity, response, and responsibility.

This means paying attention to the conditions attached to God's promises.
It means declaring war on the lie of neutrality.
It means resolving to respond rather than merely receive.

Our consumer mentality wants benefits without membership, intimacy without fidelity. We're drawn to the promises of answered prayer, divine protection, and spiritual blessing, but we resist the conditions attached to these gifts.

The "if" of scripture invites us into covenant, not transaction. It calls us to resolve, to choose, to participate in our own transformation. It reminds us that while grace is freely given, it must be actively received.

This conditional element of faith doesn't contradict God's unconditional love; it manifests it. Real love always respects freedom and invites response rather than imposing itself. God's "if" statements honor our dignity as meaningful participants in our relationship with Him.

To transform "if" into "I will" means moving from spiritual consumer to committed disciple, tourist to pilgrim, and admirer of Jesus to follower. It means choosing to abide, deciding to dwell, resolving to remain.

In our age of commitment phobia, such decisive spiritual choices may seem countercultural. But the deepest joys have always been found not in keeping our options open but in giving ourselves fully to what matters most.

THE INVITATION

10 words. 3 invitations.

Turn your heart to Him.
Reject the lie of neutrality.
Choose to abide.

May God give you grace this week to transform "if" into "I will."

And may you know the reality of the promise that…

The Lord has made His face shine on you, and His face is turned towards you to give you peace. It’s the love of God shining in the face of Jesus Christ that is waiting for you even now.

May you experience Jesus, really, this week.

Cheers.

Jon.

Discussion Questions:

1. In what specific areas of your life have you unknowingly embraced the myth of spiritual neutrality, and how does that impact your intimacy with God?

2. How might recognizing that there is no spiritual Switzerland challenge your current approach to career, relationships, entertainment, or finances?

3. What subtle preoccupations or lesser loves currently have your attention, causing your heart to wander from wholehearted devotion to God? How can you turn your heart to Him in the midst of this?

4. If God’s promises are often tied to conditions ("if"), how might acknowledging this reshape the way you approach your relationship and expectations of God?

5. Reflecting on Evelyn Underhill’s insight that those who experience God most deeply do so "not because He loved and attended to them more, but because they loved and attended to Him more," what deliberate practices or intentional shifts could help you more deeply love and attend to God in your everyday life this week?

how an attachment therapist changed my life with a single sentence

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."

Carl Jung

"For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7

Recently, I was reviewing notes from a men’s event I attended last summer when a single sentence caught my eye. It was from a session led by an attachment therapist on tending to the heart in marriage. The sentence was simple, yet profound:

"What’s happening in your wife’s heart is more important than what’s happening between you."

In my personal experience, and for many men I’ve worked with over the years, this is the opposite of how we usually approach relationships. Most men instinctively focus first on:

• What’s happening around us (calendar, bills, sickness, stress, schedules, work)

• What’s happening between us (connection, intimacy, communication, interactions)

• Then, if there’s any leftover time or energy, we consider what’s happening within us (our longings, fears, pains, frustrations, guilt, grief)

Focusing on things in this order can have profound and lasting effects on a relationship—often negatively.

THE INTERIOR COUNTRY

The Bible uses the wordheartnearly 1,000 times. It refers not merely to emotions but to the core of our being; our thoughts, feelings, will, and desires. When Jesus taught that what defiles a person is not what enters but what comes out of them, He emphasized the same truth—what happens inside shapes everything else.

As a pastor in New York for two decades, I’ve sat with countless couples who’ve lost their way. When we talk, they come armed with grievances about what’s happening between them but rarely with insight into what’s happening within each other. It’s like studying the boundaries of nations without knowing the cultural dynamics within them.

Your wife’s heart is such a landscape; vast, complex, sometimes arid and sometimes flourishing, shaped by forces both ancient and immediate. Entering this territory requires reverence and respect. The ground is holy.

Consider an ordinary Tuesday evening. You come home in a good mood but notice your wife seems withdrawn. She gives short answers at dinner and seems distracted, and your mind immediately constructs a narrative based on what’s happening between you. Perhaps she’s upset about a recent argument, losing interest, or silently punishing you.

But what if the invisible reality is entirely different? What if her withdrawn presence has nothing to do with you at all? Maybe she’s battling internal comparison after seeing a friend’s carefully curated social media post that morning, questioning if her body, career, or life measures up to impossible standards.

Or maybe as you share about your success at work, her subdued response sparks your insecurity. You wonder why she’s not celebrating your achievements. Yet, internally, she may be counting the hidden costs of your success, missed evenings with kids who grow too quickly, disrupted family rhythms, or increased burdens at home.

THE PATIENT WORK OF ATTENTION

With the insane pace of modern life, perhaps our most tragic loss is attention itself. We rarely truly see each other anymore. As a result, we often resort to quick fixes and techniques. But our spouse’s heart isn’t something we can scan like a barcode for immediate answers. Understanding it requires lingering, careful listening, and creating space for revelation.

This echoes the disciples' experience on the Emmaus Road. They walked miles with Jesus, failing to recognize Him until later, exclaiming,"Were not our hearts burning within us while he talked?"The heart perceives truths the mind hasn’t yet processed. Recognition comes slowly, through presence and time.

How can we learn to recognize what’s happening in our wife’s heart?

1)Slow Down- Frederick Buechner wrote that God speaks through our lives, but if we’re moving too quickly, we’ll miss the message. The same applies to marriage. Your wife’s heart speaks softly in whispers, micro expressions, or the spaces between words. Move too quickly and you’ll overlook these subtle revelations.

2)Perspective- Resist the impulse to interpret her actions primarily through the lens of yourself. When she declines physical intimacy, your first thoughts may gravitate toward rejection or relational trouble. But perhaps her heart is caught up elsewhere, processing a harsh comment from a supervisor, wrestling with unrealistic societal images of beauty, or simply carrying exhaustion from always prioritizing everyone else’s needs above her own.

COUNTERCULTURAL ATTENTION

Attending to the heart runs directly counter to cultural values.

• Our culture prizes speed; attending to the heart requires slowness. Your wife’s inner world unfolds through rhythms of trust and revelation, not efficiency metrics.

• Our culture seeks immediate solutions; the heart asks us to dwell in mystery. We want simple steps for better communication or conflict resolution, but hearts resist such formulas. The Psalmist says, "Deep calls to deep." Such depth demands reverence rather than technique.

• Our culture celebrates visible achievements; attending to the heart honors invisible experience. Understanding your wife’s heart won’t earn public recognition. Like most sacred work, it remains hidden and profound.

REVERSING THE ORDER

Recently, I’ve recognized the importance of reversing my usual order. Instead of starting with external tasks and relational dynamics, I’m learning to prioritize the heart; my own and those closest to me. What’s happening within us matters far more than what’s happening around us.

This week, I’ve intentionally focused on the hearts of those I love and not just on surface interactions or logistics. Even in this short period, I’ve felt a noticeable shift.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, says,"Every conflict is really an opportunity to understand your partner better."I’ve been trying to live this truth by going beneath the surface, seeking what’s happening in my wife’s heart and my own.

Attachment theory emphasizes that secure relationships aren’t about avoiding every disagreement but about creating emotional safety, where each partner feels seen, valued, and understood. Conflict isn’t the enemy; it’s often a symptom of deeper realities in the heart. I have been trying to prioritize those.

Sociologists similarly differentiate between surface culture (observable behaviors) and deep culture (hidden emotional worlds and values). Many marriages remain stuck because they obsess over surface issues without addressing deeper heart-level realities. I’m focusing on the deep culture of our marriage and not just the surface dynamics.

Men are often socialized to value external solutions, "Fix it. Solve it. Move on." But what if true strength means slowing down and paying attention to emotional currents beneath the surface? Imagine if every conflict became an opportunity for deeper intimacy instead of something to fix or avoid. I am trying to reimagine my relationships through that lens.

TENDING TO THE HEART

How can we practically develop this capacity to see beyond the surface? Here are some intentional steps:

Sabbath space:Create regular times of undistracted presence with your spouse; not to solve problems, but simply to be together. Ask questions inviting her inner thoughts: "What’s on your mind lately?" or "What are you looking forward to or dreading in this season?"

Remember her whole story:Your wife existed before you met, shaped by family history, experiences, cultural messages, and her spiritual journey. When her response seems disproportionate, consider what earlier chapters might be influencing her reaction.

Honor her complexity:Scripture doesn’t shy away from complexity; David was worshipper and adulterer, Peter courageous and cowardly. Similarly, your wife contains multitudes. She can simultaneously love and be irritated by you, feel confident professionally yet insecure socially, committed to your marriage yet sad about roads not taken.

Notice small relational bids:Jesus noticed subtle details revealing hearts such as the widow’s mite, a woman touching His cloak, and the fear in the disciples' faces. Pay attention to subtle cues: tension around her eyes, the silence of disappointment, changes in posture signaling feeling unseen.

Create space for grief:The Psalms model authentic relationship including grief, doubt, and disappointment. Allow your wife to express difficult emotions without rushing her to solutions or corrections.

THE PATH FORWARD

A couple can live together fifty years and yet remain strangers, never knowing what lives inside each other. Many do. It’s a quiet, common, avoidable tragedy. I don’t want to go out like that.

Attending to the heart isn’t just about being a better husband (though you’ll become one). It isn’t just about intimacy or avoiding conflict. It’s about living in truth rather than illusion, knowing another human deeply, and savoring one of life’s greatest privileges.

The therapist was right. What’s happening in your wife’s heart matters more than what’s happening between you. Everything important happens there first.

Imagine approaching your spouse not as a problem to manage but as a beautiful mystery to behold. What if you stopped focusing solely on schedules, logistics, or surface issues and instead simply asked...

"What’s happening in your heart right now?"

In that simple question lies profound wisdom, and perhaps the recovery of wonder.

I’ll be asking that question more and more in the years ahead.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

Discussion Questions:

1. When it comes to your closest relationships, what keeps you from paying attention to the deeper issues of the heart, causing you to focus instead on tasks or surface interactions?
   

2. Reflecting on a recent conflict, what hidden emotions or unspoken hurts might the other person have been carrying, and how could seeing that reality have changed your response?
   

3. What uncomfortable truths or difficult emotions might you be avoiding by not slowing down to honestly look into your own heart?
   

4. If God were to fully reveal the current condition of your heart right now, what secret struggles, fears, or desires might come into the light?
   

5. What fears or insecurities arise in you at the thought of asking your spouse or someone important to you, "What’s truly going on in your heart right now?" and why?

refusing to settle

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little.”

Thomas Merton

“We now live in a time when consumer Christianity has become the accepted norm, and all-out engagement with and in Jesus’ kingdom among us is regarded as somewhat ‘overdoing it.’”

Dallas Willard

Ronald Rolheiser once observed that when we’re young, we struggle to contain our energy. But in midlife, we struggle to summon it.

That insight struck me this past week as I listened to Luke LeFevre preach at The Altars Conference we host in New York City. Luke preached from Genesis 11, highlighting a sobering truth hidden among a familiar passage: the danger of settling for less than our full inheritance.

We often think of Abraham as the father of our faith. His name is invoked in the “Abrahamic” religions, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. But in an often-overlooked passage, it seems the original call to go to Canaan was given to Terah, Abraham’s father, not Abraham himself.

Genesis 11:31-32 records:

One day, Terah took his son Abram, his daughter-in-law Sarai (his son Abram’s wife), and his grandson Lot (his son Haran’s child) and moved away from Ur of the Chaldeans. He was headed for the land of Canaan, but they stopped at Haran and settled there. Terah lived for 205 years and died while still in Haran.

Terah did something remarkable. He left Ur of the Chaldeans, a center of pagan worship, where the moon god Nanna (Sin) was venerated. Joshua 24:2 suggests that Terah himself likely participated in this idolatry before God called him out. His departure wasn’t just geographical; it was a break from a culture of idolatry and a step toward worshiping the one true God.

But here’s the tragedy: he stopped short.

He set out for Canaan, but he settled in Haran instead. He died there, halfway to the promise, halfway to his calling.

This narrative gives us what theologians call the pattern of partial obedience, a pattern that repeats itself in the lives of so many men today.

Terah’s journey was real but incomplete. He heard the call but never finished the course.

THE DANGER OF HARAN

Here’s what unsettles me: We’ve built a Christian culture that often celebrates Haran-level spirituality. We mistake movement for arrival. We applaud partial obedience as if it were full surrender.

Terah’s story is a warning.

Imagine the tragedy if St Augustine stopped his journey from hedonism at Manichaeism or Neo-Platonism instead of Christ. Imagine the tragedy if you trade passionate devotion for going through the motions. Terah moved away from obvious idolatry but failed to reach true worship.

Haran, in a sense, became his halfway house, a place of partial reformation that substituted for full surrender. He exchanged one idolatrous city for another, just with a little more respectability.

That’s the real danger. Haran wasn’t a place of outright failure but of partial success. It was better than Ur, but “better than” isn’t the same as “arrived at.” This is what haunts me when I look at men today. We start strong. We hear a call. We take steps forward. But somewhere along the way, we stop.

Sometimes, pain slows us down, and sometimes, it’s exhaustion. But often, it’s success.

Terah’s story exposes the subtle seduction of comfort—of good enough. We can build impressive lives in Haran while Canaan remains untouched.

THE HARANS WE SETTLE FOR

In our time, Haran looks different, but it functions the same. It’s where we stop short of radical surrender and trade full transformation for a safer, more manageable faith.

In the Dutch Reformed tradition, there’s a concept called “common grace stopping points,” the places where God works to bring partial reformation but which can actually prevent full conversion. These might include:

• Orthodox theology without heart transformation

• Moral reform without gospel dependence

• Religious activity without spiritual intimacy

• Cultural sophistication without biblical fidelity

Haran is where we settle, not for outright rebellion but for a respectable faith that doesn’t cost too much.

We leave our personal Ur, whether that’s addiction, materialism, or selfish ambition, only to settle into a refined, comfortable version of the same thing. We exchange obvious idols for subtle ones: success, reputation, or control. We keep moving, but only far enough to feel like we’ve changed.

DON’T DIE IN HARAN

But here’s the good news: as long as you’re breathing, you can still move forward.

Peter’s story doesn’t end with denial.
John Mark’s doesn’t end with conflict.
Cleopas’ story doesn’t end in the village of Emmaus.

You can resume the journey.

Terah stopped, but Abraham continued. He pressed on where his father quit. Because of that, he became the father of nations, inheriting the promise of God.

Maybe that means…

• Revisiting your original calling—where have you stopped short of the full call God gave you in your early years?

• Identify the idols that have made you comfortable—what success, security, or approval have you settled for?

• Evaluate your current decisions—are they made through the lens of faith and full inheritance or just “good enough” and respectability?

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The poet Rainer Maria Rilke wrote, “The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.”

That’s what Terah missed. That’s what many of us miss. We fear the struggle, but spiritual growth isn’t about avoiding hardship. It’s about pressing into greater and greater battles, growing stronger with each one, and getting further down the road of redemption to our full inheritance.

WHERE HAVE YOU SETTLED?

Eugene Peterson talked about "the domestication of transcendence,” the tendency to remove the wild, costly call of divine encounter with respectable religion. Dallas Willard warns that if we go all in for Jesus, we will be seen as those who overdo it.

If wholehearted obedience is what it takes to deliver me from Haran, I want to overdo it.

I refuse to stop halfway.
I refuse to mistake respectability for transformation.
I refuse to trade a risky faith for a safe religion.

Haran is a trap. It’s a spiritual graveyard for men who started strong but settled too soon.

Don’t let that be your story.

As Luke LeFevre reminded me…

Don’t die in Haran.

By God's grace, when it's all said and done, you will find my bones in Canaan, and I hope yours will be there, too.

Here for a full inheritance.

Cheers.

Jon.

PS. - If you are looking for a way to keep moving forward in your faith, why not grab a copy of Fighting Shadows, grab a couple of brothers, and keep pushing forward? Jefferson and I address the seven core lies that keep men from becoming fully alive, the same ones that keep so many men out of Canaan today.

dust, sweat, blood, tears, and scars

"To be alive at all is to have scars."

John Steinbeck

“As He spoke, He showed them the wounds in His hands and His side.

They were filled with joy when they saw the Lord!”

John 20:20

On Monday night, I gave the sermon at my father-in-law’s memorial service.

Huddled in the sanctuary of Shady Grove Methodist Church, family and friends gathered to mourn and celebrate the life of Dr. Richard Keep.

Crafting a eulogy is never easy. My father-in-law lived to be 82, a Methodist preacher who delivered thousands of sermons over the years. Yet, I can’t recall much of what he said from the pulpit. His life, however, was a sermon of its own, a message still speaking, even now that he is gone. In many ways, his life was the last, and loudest, sermon he ever preached.

As I reflected on his legacy, I was reminded that our lives are not just a sequence of events—birth, accomplishments, relationships, and death. Our lives are sacred biographies, narratives of grace, redemption, and mercy unfolding in real-time.

The Sermon that is your life.

Like it or not, every man preaches a sermon with his life. More than words, it is the arc and depth of a life that speaks. The Apostle Paul understood this when he told the Corinthians, "You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everyone." (2 Cor. 3:2)

One day, each of us will die. When that day comes, others will sift through the fragments of our lives, gathering moments to honor and remember us by. But our sermon is not just the eulogy spoken over us, it is the daily message we proclaim, whether we realize it or not.

Every man preaches five sermons with his life.
In the end, what we say with our lives comes down to five words:

Dust. Sweat. Blood. Tears. Scars.

DUST

"Remember that you are dust, and to dust you shall return."

This ancient phrase speaks to our first and most foundational sermon—humility.
The Latin word humus refers to the earth—a fertile, life-giving soil, and is the root of the word human. Likewise, humility comes from humilitas, meaning "grounded" or "close to the earth."

Modern culture tells us we are autonomous, masters of our own fate. But our very bodies preach a different sermon. We are dust. Not in a way that diminishes our worth but in a way that places us rightly before God. This isn’t self-deprecation; it’s theological realism.

The Desert Fathers understood this. They knew that embracing our dependence on God was the foundation of all spiritual growth. To deny this is to fall into what Jung called inflation, a spiritual pride that separates us from both God and our own souls.

Our very bodies preach humility. They hunger. They tire. They grow old. They die. A man’s humility, his reverence for the fragility and gift of life, preaches against pride and self-reliance.

SWEAT

The second sermon is Sweat: the dignity and necessity of doing good work.

This is the sermon of showing up, day after day, doing what needs to be done without fanfare or recognition. It’s the father who works two jobs to provide for his family. The volunteer who serves faithfully for decades. The mentor who invests in the next generation.

We live in a world that swings between two extremes: work as a necessary evil and work as self-actualization. But neither view is biblical. Work existed before the Fall. When we labor, even in unseen places, we participate in God’s work of creation and renewal.

Karl Rahner spoke of how our daily work, no matter how mundane, participates in God’s ongoing creation of the world. Whether in a factory, an office, or a classroom, our work is a sermon.

Christ dignified work. He spent most of His earthly life as a carpenter, shaping wood before shaping hearts. Your work, how you labor, and what you create either pushes the world toward redemption or contributes to its brokenness.

As Dorothy Sayers put it, "No crooked table legs or ill-fitting drawers ever came out of the carpenter’s shop in Nazareth. Nor, if they did, could anyone believe they were made by the same hand that made heaven and earth."

Your work is both worship and witness.

BLOOD

The third sermon is Blood: the sermon of sacrifice.

Every man will bleed for something in his lifetime. The question is, for what?
In a culture addicted to comfort and self-fulfillment, sacrifice is seen as an interruption to life. But in reality, sacrifice is the very means by which true life is transmitted.

Every parent knows this. Every faithful spouse understands this. Every leader who carries the weight of responsibility lives this. Sacrifice is not a tragic necessity; it is the currency of love.

This is not the false martyrdom that seeks attention but the quiet, daily pouring out of self for others. It mirrors Christ’s kenosis, His self-emptying love.

A man’s life declares what truly matters by what he chooses to bleed for.

TEARS

The fourth sermon is Tears.

Jesus wept at the death of His friend Lazarus, in the Garden of Gethsemane, and over the city of Jerusalem. Tears are not signs of weakness; they are indicators of what truly matters to us. Albert Camus once said, "Live to the point of tears." In our tears, we find both our humanity and our deepest values.

Tears of pain connect us to our own vulnerability and the suffering of the world. They remind us that we are not immune to the brokenness around us. Tears of joy, on the other hand, connect us to beauty, to moments of grace that break into our daily existence.

In the Garden of Gethsemane, Jesus wept tears of anguish, fully embracing the weight of His mission. His tears were a prelude to His ultimate sacrifice, a moment of profound honesty before God.

Our tears, like Christ’s, are sacramental. They wash away pretense, revealing the true state of our hearts. They are the silent prayers that words cannot express and the deep groans that reach the heart of God.

A man preaches what he loves by the tears he weeps.

SCARS

The fifth sermon is Scars.

Scars are proof of both wounding and healing. They tell stories of pain but also of survival, redemption, and resurrection.

Psychologists studying post-traumatic growth confirm what the saints have always known: adversity can deepen compassion, resilience, and wisdom. Scars are not just reminders of past wounds; they are testimonies of healing.

Henri Nouwen called this becoming a wounded healer, allowing our brokenness to become a source of healing for others. This is not about glorifying suffering but recognizing that our scars, like Christ’s, can point to the possibility of transformation.

When Jesus appeared to His disciples after the resurrection, He didn’t erase His scars. He showed them. And in seeing His wounds, His followers were filled with joy.

SACRED BIOGRAPHY

These five sermons, Dust, Sweat, Blood, Tears, and Scars, form the sacred biography of a man’s life.

Together, they preach both our fallenness and our hope for restoration.

Dust reminds us we are creatures, dependent on God.
Sweat calls us to meaningful labor.
Blood speaks of love through sacrifice.
Tears speak of a wholehearted participation in life.
Scars proclaim the hope of redemption.

Christ, the son of God, became man for us, born of dust. He wept and worked and died in our place. He rose again and showed His scars to His friends. And He calls us to be conformed to His sacred biography, to live in His story and not the world’s.

The question is not whether your life is preaching these sermons. It is.
The real question is: Are you preaching this story well?

Is it pointing toward the ultimate sermon? The life, death, and resurrection of Jesus?

What are you saying with the gift that is your life?
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After the service, Christy and I got in the car and drove all night back to New York.
Somewhere along I-81, as the darkness stretched before us, I began to weep.

Grateful for the dust, sweat, blood, tears, and scars I had witnessed that night.

Resolved to live out of a sacred biography rather than a secular story of self.

Hoping this week, you can take some time to reflect on what your sacred biography will be.

Cheers.

Jon.

graceful realism and scanning for the positive

"Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes."

Friedrich Nietzsche

"Having eyes, do you not see?"

Jesus

I keep thinking about a conversation I had with a marriage counselor in a diner in Hells Kitchen. 

"You know what's strange?" he said, leaning forward in his booth. "Most couples come to me thinking they need help solving their problems. What they really need is help seeing each other again."

So many of us have lost the ability to really see. Our culture has trained us to view the world and each other through increasingly critical eyes. 

Here in New York, where everything is rated and reviewed—from the morning flat white to the evening Uber—we've become a society of critics. The same fingers that scroll through social media, dispensing likes and dislikes, have started turning our frustrations toward home, finding flaws in the very people we once prayed God would give us and that we are called to love.
___________________________________

I don’t want to be a critical man, but it’s hard. It’s like our entire society has learned to reduce people down to their mistakes, idiosyncrasies, and failures. 

Our brains seem to have been rewired to scan for the negative.

The science behind this tendency is fascinating. Dr. Rick Hanson, a psychologist and Senior Fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, highlights a profound reality about our brains: negative experiences cling to us like Velcro, while positive ones tend to slip away like Teflon. Without intentional effort to focus on and savor what's good, our neural pathways default to a constant scan for flaws, creating grooves of criticism that deepen with time. This "negativity bias" may have been helpful in other times of history, but it sabotages our relationships today.

I don’t want to scan for the negative.

Jesus never did.

He consistently saw people in ways that confounded those around Him. I'm struck by how often the Gospels mention Jesus "seeing" people—really seeing them. When others saw a corrupt tax collector, Jesus saw Zacchaeus' hunger for connection. When religious leaders saw an adulteress worthy of death, Jesus saw someone worthy of redemption. When convention said to avoid the Samaritan woman, Jesus saw an opportunity for transformation.

His way of seeing changed people. 

Dr. John Gottman discovered this in his research on lasting relationships. After studying thousands of couples, he found that the successful ones maintained a ratio of five positive interactions for every negative one. They learned to scan for the positive. But here's what fascinates me: These couples weren't ignoring problems. They had simply learned to notice and name the good they saw in each other.

Think about your core relationships. What are you scanning for in those you love? 
___________________________________

I witnessed this kind of vision years ago, watching my father care for my grandfather during his elderly years. My grandfather had been a missionary in India and a pretty absent father. He was from the old school, the generation that sent kids to boarding school and only saw them a couple weeks a year. My grandfather could be intense. He had strong opinions, a loud voice, and was his own man. He could be unpredictable in meetings and dominate conversations.

Yet, I never heard my Dad complain about this. Instead, he had a different filter in those years. He scanned his life for the positive. It wasn’t dramatic, huge pronouncements or declarations, but daily patience and sacrificial love. It was the ratio of empathy to annoyance that stood out. He didn’t go back over his childhood with bitterness and judgment. He scanned for the positive, focusing on the legacy of having a Dad who loved God and laid a foundation of faith.

This isn't toxic positivity or emotional repression that pretends everything is fine. Rather, it's what I'm learning to call "graceful realism." A way of seeing that has the courage to acknowledge both beauty and brokenness, light and shadow, potential and pain. It's the kind of vision that can hold the tension between what is and what could be, between the reality of our struggles and the possibility of transformation.

When I find myself slipping into criticism (a daily war), I try to remember what a friend in recovery once told me. "The problem isn't just what we're looking at," he said. "It's how we've trained ourselves to look." He went on to describe how his AA community practices gratitude, not as a feeling to conjure up but as a way of seeing to be cultivated.

Recent studies in neuroplasticity offer us cynics some hope. Dr. Barbara Fredrickson's research shows that intentionally focusing on positive emotions for just fifteen seconds can begin rewiring our neural pathways. The "broaden-and-build" theory suggests that positive emotions don't just make us feel good; they expand our awareness and build psychological resources for the way we see the future.

I've started to note specific graces I see in the people closest to me: a staff member's integrity in a difficult decision, a congregant's kindness to an unhoused person in our prayer room, my wife's patience with writing these emails late on a Wednesday night :). It's changing how I see, slowly, imperfectly, but surely. 

Graceful realism is becoming the filter of my life. 
___________________________________

What happens when we train ourselves to scan for the positive? I've observed several shifts: 

Cynicism begins to soften into compassion. 
Irritation makes space for understanding. 
Complaints give way to curiosity.

Graceful realism doesn't dismiss problems or minimize pain. Instead, it provides a broader, deeper context for understanding them. 

I once took a class on capturing portraits in street photography. The key was to "Look for the light in people's eyes." Everyone has it. Sometimes, you have to wait for it, and sometimes, you have to help create it. But it's always there, even in this city where people can seem to be a blur.

Perhaps that's our calling, too. Scan for light, become collectors of grace, and witnesses to the persistent presence of good in each other. The ones who irritate might become the ones we celebrate, not because they've changed, but because you've learned to see them through the eyes of grace.

This week, try keeping your own record of grace. 

Scan for the positive. 
Become a curator of goodness in your relationships. 

Write down five specific things you value about each person close to you. Share what you see. Watch how it changes not just them but you as well. 

After all, isn't that how transformation often works? Not through dramatic revelation but through small shifts in vision that gradually reveal what was there all along: the image of God, waiting to be seen.

Here's to making graceful realism the filter of our lives.

Cheers.

Jon.

the glory of being alone

"In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occasion."

Albert Camus

"Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself."

John 6:15

Blaise Pascal famously wrote,

"All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone."

One of the hardest things for men to learn to do well is to be alone.

For most men, the very word "alone" conjures up confusion and frustration. 
We don’t know how to sit alone for five minutes without pulling out our phones to distract ourselves from ourselves—checking the headlines, the game, or the market. 

But how is a failure to be alone the source of all of humanity's problems? Isn’t that a bit of an overstatement from Pascal?

Upon reflection, I don’t think so. The outer world is directed by the inner world. 

If we have not given attention to our inner world, rightly ordered our loves, clarified our vision, and calibrated our ambition, we will simply react to the anxiety, fear, greed, and lust all around us.

We won’t live from an integrous center; we will react to the chaos we encounter. Being alone is the place we deal with our hearts and order our lives.

But that is easier said than done. 

We all know the importance of "spending time with God" and the importance of "silence and solitude," but in my experience, although we know we should do these things, we don’t know how to do them well. 

Paul Tillich unpacks the distinction and direction this should take.

"Our language has wisely sensed the two sides of being alone. It has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word solitude to express the glory of being alone."

We need men who will reclaim this glory of being alone.
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There is a fascinating verse in the Gospel of John about Jesus reclaiming the glory of being alone. 

Jesus has fed the 5000, and the people are enamored with the possibility of Him becoming king. If He could feed 5000 people in a day, imagine what would happen if He seized the throne, overthrew the Romans, and established the kingdom. So, they seek to find Jesus and make Him king by force. How does Jesus respond? John 6:15 records it.

"Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make Him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by Himself."

By Himself.

These two words have much to teach us. 

Jesus knew that there was an empowering and orienting source of life that came from being alone. As much as He loved the disciples and wanted to teach them, He needed space to be alone and retreat from them.

When we reflect on the times Jesus withdrew to be alone, we see it begins to take on a staggering importance in His ministry.

Jesus got alone early in the morning and received fresh ministry direction. (Mark 1:35)

Jesus got alone to confront temptation in the wilderness. (Luke 4:1-2)

Jesus got alone when they tried to force a kingdom on Him (John 6:15)

Jesus got alone to seek wisdom all night before He chose His disciples. (Luke 6:12)

Jesus withdrew to process and grieve the death of John the Baptist. (Matt 14:13)

Jesus got alone to lay out His heart before the Father in Gethsemane. (Luke 22:39-44)

Direction, confrontation, orientation, discernment, grieving, and surrender all came from being alone. If we want to raise a generation of men who can live from this kind of deep, rich, and glorious solitude, we are going to have to get good at being alone. 

So, what do we learn from Jesus that can help us learn to recover the glory of being alone? What should we do when we are alone? Here are some observations to start. 

WE HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH OURSELVES

We have to retreat from the world to know who we are. So often, we are coerced, shaped, shamed, obligated, pressured, and pushed by the demands of the crowd, the system, and the structures of our lives. We can end up just reacting to demands without knowing who we are, the calling we have, and the life we are called to live. 

You have to get alone to ask questions like...

• Who am I really? 

• What really matters to me?

• What do I deeply value?

• What do I truly love/hate?

• How am I doing?

• What forces are shaping me?

• Do I have a solid and secure sense of self?

May Sarton wrote, "Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self." You need time alone to strengthen the true self that God has made you to be. 

WE HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH OUR CALLING AND MISSION

We all have a unique call, and no two life missions are identical. Yet, in a world shaped by influencers, celebrities, and experts, we can fall into the trap of idolatry and imitation. We can also compare and compete with our reference groups, growing exhausted from trying to keep up or impress others. 

We need to get alone to ask questions like...

• Where is the Father working in my life, and how is He asking me to respond?

• Who has God called me to love, and am I present to them?

• Where is God at work in my workplace, and how am I available?

• What am I saying 'yes' to that is someone else’s load to carry?

• Where am I acting out of fear, obligation, or selfishness?

One of my mentors recently said to me, "No one will push you to do the priorities and calling of God on your life; they will only ask you to do the priorities of God for their life."

Time alone helps you live your story well.

WE HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH THE FATHER

God alone is our source of life. He is the One who chose us, called us, prepared good works for us, and works in us to will and to do His good pleasure. A vertical connection to Him ensures a horizontal orientation of passion and love. 

We need to get alone to be with the Father to ask things like...

• Is my identity as God's son real and true to me?

• Am I operating out of a spirit of adoption or fear?

• Is the Father's voice the loudest one in my life?

• Do I have a secure sense of attachment to His love or false attachments to other loves?

• What wisdom and direction do I need in this current season?

We so often struggle with mixed motives, addictive behaviors, and intrusive thoughts. But being alone with God gives us a place to process them. 

Martin Buber said, "Solitude is the place of purification." So much of the lack of transformation and sanctification in our lives stems from the fact that we are too busy, distracted, and anxious to let God's work happen within us. 

Time alone forces that loving confrontation.
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Einstein said, "Be a loner. That gives you time to wonder, to search for the truth. Have holy curiosity. Make your life worth living." 

Wonder, truth, curiosity, meaning. That’s the glory that comes from being alone. 

I take time each morning and evening to be alone, and I have a meeting with myself to review my week every Sunday night. The glory of being alone has kept my heart alive these past thirty years. The secret place is my secret source.

Here’s to the glory of being alone this week!

Cheers.

Jon.

P.S. - If you want to challenge yourself this week to experience the glory of being alone, I've created a quick guide to help you get started. Click on the button below to download it.

the top lessons I'm committed to learning this year

"Unhappiness is not knowing what we want and killing ourselves to get it."

Don Herald

"How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!"

1 John 3:1

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In Today’s Newsletter

• A Parable

• Two Quotes

• A Paradigm

• A Prayer

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EMPTYING THE CUP

Part of the danger of being a Christian for thirty years, and being a Pastor for twenty-five years, is that you come to know a lot of content and ideas about God. However, knowledge about God is not the same as intimacy with God. As J.I. Packer noted:

“You can have all the right notions in your head without ever tasting in your heart the realities to which they refer; and a simple Bible reader and sermon hearer who is full of the Holy Spirit will develop a far deeper acquaintance with his God and Savior than a more learned scholar who is content with being theologically correct.”

After being in church for so long, you end up knowing way more than you can live out, and your opinions become stronger than your actions. So, 2025 may be a year of emptying out information and replacing it with revelation. It may be a year of humility and relearning. 

I was reminded of this while reflecting on this classic story of the professor and the master.

A university professor went to visit a famous Zen master. 

While the master quietly served tea, the professor talked about Zen.

The master poured the visitor's cup to the brim and then kept pouring. The professor watched the overflowing cup until he could no longer restrain himself. "It's full! No more will go in!" the professor blurted. "This is you," the master replied, "How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?

What do you need to empty your cup of this year so you can be filled with new revelation?

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FORMATION, NOT OPINION

As the political transition heads our way, opinions and hot takes will be on full display. This can always be a dangerous time for our witness as we can pontificate about things we can do nothing about instead of becoming the very thing we are passionate about. 

Our world is not starving for opinionated men, but it's aching for transformed men. 

Thomas à Kempis reminds us of the importance of living what matters, not just talking about it.

“Of what use is it to discourse learnedly on the Trinity, if you lack humility and therefore displease the Trinity? Lofty words do not make a man just or holy; but a good life makes him dear to God. I would far rather feel contrition than be able to define it. If you knew the whole Bible by heart, and all the teachings of the philosophers, how would this help you without the grace and love of God?”

Where do you need to focus on formation, not opinion this coming season?

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GETTING AFTER IT

We all know we should pursue the right things and resist the wrong things, but actually pursuing things well can be a kind of mystery. How do we sustain devotion when we run out of emotion? How can we be disciplined when disappointment sets in?

I love how clearly Dallas Willard breaks down the inner journey of pursuit and desire. To really pursue and take hold of something in our life, we must have….

1. Information about the thing. (Research)
2. Longing for it to be so. (Desire)
3. Affirmation that it must be so. (Insistence)
4. Invocation to God to make it so. (Intercession)
5. Appropriation by God's grace that it is so. (Receiving)

What do you really want from the Lord this year? How can the above framework help you get after it?

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WORK, DON’T WAIT

So often, we limit the work God can do through us because we don’t think we are far enough along. We think we are holy, knowledgeable, empowered, or educated enough. In reality, all we need to be is available enough for God to use us. As George Eliot reminded us…

“The important work of moving the world forward does not wait to be done by perfect men.”

What can you do now, with what you have, where you are?

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A PRAYER OF SURRENDER

A reminder of this beautiful prayer by Tozer.

“I am Thy servant to do Thy will, and that will is sweeter to me than position or riches or fame, and I choose it above all things on Earth or in Heaven. Amen.”

May God give us grace to choose His will above all this year

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Thanks for reading.

Hope to see you in person in 2025 somewhere down the road.

Cheers. 

Jon.

the call to a heartfelt participation in life

"Courage is what love looks like when tested by the simple everyday necessities of being alive."
David Whyte

"Do not be afraid."
Jesus

I'm not much of a "word of the year" guy. I'm more of a "deep metaphor" guy, and I found one that I will be living into for 2025.

I have been reading Luci Shaw's remarkable book Water My Soul, which discusses the need to care for the interior life. It is deep, life-giving, and profound. But it came with a surprise gift: an introduction by Eugene Peterson, complete with the metaphor of the year. 

Eugene Peterson opens by telling a story of John Muir, The famous explorer and conservationist. He writes,

"In the last half of the nineteenth century, John Muir was our most intrepid and worshipful explorer of the western extremities of our North American continent. For decades, he tramped up and down through our God-created wonders from the California Sierras to the Alaskan glaciers, observing, reporting, praising, and experiencing - entering into whatever he found with childlike delight and mature reverence.

At one period during this time (the year was 1874), Muir visited a friend who had a cabin, snug in a valley of one of the tributaries of the Yuba River in the Sierra Mountains—a place from which to venture into the wilderness and then return for a comforting cup of tea.

One December day a storm moved in from the Pacific —a fierce storm that bent the junipers and pines, the madronas and fir trees as if they were so many blades of grass. It was for just such times this cabin had been built: cozy protection from the harsh elements.

We easily imagine Muir and his host safe and secure in his tightly caulked cabin, a fire blazing against the cruel assault of the elements, wrapped in sheepskins, Muir meditatively rendering the wildness into his elegant prose. But our imaginations, not trained to cope with Muir, betray us.

For Muir, instead of retreating to the coziness of the cabin, pulling the door tight, and throwing another stick of wood on the fire, strode out of the cabin into the storm, climbed a high ridge, picked a giant Douglas fir as the best perch for experiencing the kaleidoscope of color and the sound, scent and motion, scrambled his way to the top, and rode out the storm, lashed by the wind, holding on for dear life, relishing Weather: taking it all in—its rich sensuality, its primal energy.

Throughout its many retellings, the story of John Muir, storm-whipped at the top of the Douglas fir in the Yuba River valley, gradually took shape as a kind of icon of Christian spirituality for our family. The icon has been in place ever since as a standing rebuke against becoming a mere spectator to life, preferring creature comforts to Creator confrontations."

REFUSING TO BECOME A SPECTATOR OF LIFE

At my age, firmly walking through my middle years, the temptation can come to prefer creature comforts to Creator confrontations. 

I don't want to avoid the storm and retreat to the cozy parts of life. 
In 2025, I want to climb the tree and face whatever comes. 

I don't want to retreat into the numbing comforts of YouTube binging when things get hard.
I don't want to retreat to a kind of passivity that says things will take care of themselves if I pretend they are not there.
I don't want to retreat to small ambition, small faith, a small God.

I want to climb the tree and courageously face what comes this year with open eyes and a full heart. I want to ride out the storm, lashed by the wind, at the top of the tree.
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In David Whyte's book Consolations, he points out the surprising nature of courage compared to the cultural stereotypes of the idea. 

"Courage is the measure of our heartfelt participation with life, with another, with a community, a work; a future. To be courageous is not necessarily to go anywhere or do anything, except to make conscious those things we already feel deeply and then to live through the unending vulnerabilities of those consequences."

It's not about escaping our current life, going somewhere else, or doing something dramatic, as much as it is about facing and leaning into the storms that come, both interior and exterior.

I am leaning into this for 2025: a heartfelt participation in life. Climbing the tree and riding out the terror and wonder of what's within and ahead.
_______________________________________

This is not a mere metaphor; it's an invitation to a cruciform life. Muir climbing a tree is strong, but Christ climbing the tree to face the reality of sin, brokenness, wrath, and isolation is infinitely stronger. 

We are called not to avoid but embrace what comes, shedding the illusion of retreat into safety and comfort, with a heartfelt participation in the work of God in our lives.

Climb the tree.
Face the storm.
Embrace the cross.

Here's to a heartfelt participation in the glory of life in 2025.

Cheers.

Jon.

resetting your standards as a man

“Create a posse of dead people. Create an entourage of heroes.

Put their pictures on your wall, and keep them in your mind.”

David Brooks

“Walk with the wise and become wise…”

Proverbs 13:20

I am writing this from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. 

It's one of my favorite places on earth. It's one of the most scenic places in America at Christmas and is stacked against the now-defunct steel mills of Bethlehem Steel, haunted by the sounds of Springsteen singing about the struggles of the everyday man. 

It's also the Moravian Settlement named by Count Zinzendorf on Christmas Eve, 1741. 

I come here a couple of times a year to remind myself that the decline of the Western Church is neither normal nor inevitable. I come here to remind myself that every now and then, in the middle of redemptive history, a group of disciples read the gospels with fresh eyes, and their radical discipleship wakes the church and awakens the world. I come here because the Moravians came here. 

David Brooks discusses the importance of having a reference point in our minds of the heroes we seek to imitate. Sociologists tell us that the common reference point for most people is their college friends. These are the ones we track with and compare our lives to.

They often determine our sense of worth, whether we are ahead or behind, successful or struggling, and what we need to do to keep up. Most people use their college friends as a reference point because they see life from a narrow perspective, assuming the best people to learn from and measure ourselves by are our peers.

But scripture calls us to expand our vision and measure ourselves not by the people of our age but by the heroes of our faith. Hebrew 13:7 says...

“Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.”

One of the most helpful things I have done over the years is shed the sociological comparisons of our age and go back into redemptive history to be mentored by those whose fruit and faithfulness I long to see.

I consider the outcomes of leaders from the past, ask what they saw in the scriptures, what they experienced in the Spirit, and how they stepped out to follow in radical faith. 

Then, I seek to imitate that. 

This can have a radical reorienting effect on our faith.

Instead of asking how I can keep up with the income levels of my peers, I'm drawn to asking how to build a culture of prayer like the Moravians.

Instead of asking how I can live a balanced life, I ask how I can leverage what God has given me as Wesley did.

Instead of asking how to make my life more comfortable, I ask how I can be more courageous like Polycarp, who gave his life as a martyr and played the man.

I think this is incredibly important for men.

The mentors and heroes we choose will shape the lives we live, dreams we envision, and risks we take. 

Your normal will be set by the culture or the kingdom. 

I want biblical norms to shape my life.

That's why places like Bethlehem, leaders like Zinzendorf, and communities like the Moravians matter to me. They fill me with faith, expand my vision of the worthiness of Jesus, and shatter the illusion of the American dream.

The author of Hebrews understood how these shape our vision of life.

"We do not want you to become lazy but to imitate those who, through faith and patience, inherit what has been promised."

Without the right standards, we become lazy. We stop pressing in for the promises and shrink back to mediocrity. Most men get bored and lazy because they are not given a vision to summon their strength or a challenge to call them out of comfort. 

So, why not build a council of wisdom from your heroes from the past and let them stir and inspire you to press into your full inheritance next year?

Create your posse of dead people.
Hang with a new entourage of heroes.
Keep the right reference points in your mind. 

Let your standards be set by scripture and history, not sociology and celebrity. 

This past year, I started reading the 30-plus volumes of Andrew Murray's collected works. Their impact on me has been profound. Through his writing, I have gained more than any other book I read this year and feel like I have been mentored by someone who knows Jesus in a way I have yet to encounter.

This year, I also had William Carey, Howard Thurman, Zinzendorf, and Henri Nouwen mentor me from the past. 

Expand your circle of heroes.
Find the fruit from faithful lives.
Create an invisible council that spurs you on next year.

It can be as simple as writing down five names, reading five quick biographies, and analyzing key lessons from their lives.

You can even take a moment now and jot some down to explore over the holidays.

Who? Why? What fruit or faithfulness can they teach you?

1.____________________________________________
2.____________________________________________
3.____________________________________________
4.____________________________________________
5.____________________________________________

We are not limited to the wisdom of our age; we can walk with the wisdom from redemptive history.

Here's to a year of replacing sociology with redemptive history and being mentored by those who can call us into the life with Jesus we long for.

See you in the circle. 

Cheers.

Jon.

remembering to take your shoes off

"Always be on the lookout for the presence of wonder."

E. B. White

"We must pay the most careful attention, therefore, to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away."

Hebrews 2:1

Socrates said, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

As often as we have heard this, we often fail to implement it. 

No man wants to live a worthless life.

So, as we move toward the end of 2024, rather than getting sucked into the vortex of the Christmas season, it’s important to reflect and examine who we have become over the past year.

I was reminded this morning of a few lines from Elizabeth Barrett Browning's classic poem Aurora Leigh:

Earth’s crammed with heaven,
And every common bush afire with God;
But only he who sees, takes off his shoes.

In the world today, we are not in a crisis of experience; we are in a crisis of perception. Life is ablaze, yet we are often blind to the flames.

Jesus was often grieved that the people of His day could not see the wonder and kingdom in their midst. In His frustration, he said, 

‘Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand.’
Matthew 13:13

If Jesus was on social media, that would probably be His only post. 

I want to see the common things ablaze with God.
I want to see the work of God crammed into my daily life.
I want to take off my shoes in holy awe that God is in this place.

So, at this time of year, I begin to go back through my photos and memories and look for the moments that mattered over the past year.

To be honest, it's been a remarkable year for me. I released a new book called Fighting Shadows, a course for dads with daughters called Raising Resilient Daughters, two courses for Art of Teaching, a couple of seasons of Awaken Network Podcast, married off my son, preached in Australia, Iceland, and Scotland, and fell more in love with what God is doing in our church in New York than ever before.

It's also been a challenging year. Friends leaving the city, ministry criticism, the long miles of distance from my family in Australia, and unexpected financial costs—it’s been a year of both rejoicing and weeping, living fully into both sides of my heart.

But after looking through hundreds of events, thousands of photos, and reflecting on the presence of God amidst it all, some moments rose to the surface. 

Some made me take my shoes off in awe.

The Response to Luke LeFevre’s Sermon at Altars
A young man in his twenties preached at our conference on revival, and the response of the public confession of sin, the fear of God, and genuine repentance lasted six hours. It was a glimpse of what is possible in a move of God.

The Fighting Shadows Book Tour
I met two young men whose father had recently died. They asked me to sign their copy of the book (always feels weird) and write a note of encouragement. An hour later, they came back in shock. "You literally wrote the last thing our Dad said to us before he died." They felt seen and known by God. 

The Awe of God at the Hebrides Revival Conference
I had the joy of preaching at the Hebrides Revival Conference in Stornoway, but the highlight was Pastor Donna's prayer on Saturday night. God's presence came with such force; it was a visitation of awe. We literally did not know how to respond. God comes where He’s wanted, and God does what He wants when He gets there.

Marrying My Son to Mai
The final culmination of the Primal Path: launching a new family. What a day of rejoicing. People gathered from three countries—my parents from Australia and people who have known Nate and Mai since birth. They took their vows, and we took over the dance floor. Tears of joy, overflowing hearts, feasting like kings—a taste of heaven on earth. I could not be more proud of my son Nate, and we could not be more thrilled to have Mai in our family.

Going Back to the Old Butcher Shop in Australia
I had the chance, while preaching in Oz, to visit the butcher shop where I worked as a teenager. It was here that I learned to seek God. It was here that I learned to hold my ground. It was here that I pleaded with God to open a door to America. 

As I reflect on how He answered those prayers these 27 years later, I stand in awe at how far He has bought me, how rich His mercy, and how free His grace. I am now praying for open doors for my sixties.
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TAKE OF YOUR SHOES

I know that taking time to reflect can be hard, and how to do this can be overwhelming, so I created an end-of-year reflection PDF for you. Just click the button at the bottom of this email to download it. 

I hope it lets you see how goodness and mercy have been following you this past year. 

And as you move forward…

I pray God gives you eyes to see a life marked by His beauty, faithfulness, and presence. 
I pray you see His fingerprints on the days and months of 2024.
I pray you get a vision to become all flame, all ears, and all eyes next year.

Here, with bare feet and holy awe.

Cheers.

Jon

I was stunned by what happened when my daughter called me this week

"Empathy is a connection; it’s a ladder out of the shame hole."

Brené Brown

"Therefore the LORD longs to be gracious to you; therefore He rises to show you compassion."

Isaiah 30:18

I was sitting in a pastoral meeting this week when my phone rang. It was my daughter. 

When Haley calls, I always pick up the phone.

If you are a girl dad, you know that your heart rate rises just a touch whenever you see that name on the screen.

Even though my daughter is a beautiful, competent, and confident young woman, it’s hard to let those protective instincts go. And the fact that we live in New York and she is in Tennessee makes me feel every mile of distance when the phone rings. 

"G’day Haley, how’s it going?" I asked.
"Dad, I’ve just been in a car accident, and I wanted to call you and let you know."

Dang.

"Is everyone ok?" I asked.
"Yeah, everyone is fine, and the cars aren’t too bad."

And then she started to cry.

Nothing moves my heart like my daughter’s tears. Every man knows that a daughter’s tears are the most potent force in the world. For these, a dad will rise, fight, drop to his knees, or weep. Something primal stirs when my daughter cries.

But what she said next absolutely stunned me.

"I am calling you so I can cry because I have never been in an accident before and am not sure what to do. But after I am done crying and talking to you, I am going to pull myself together, talk with the people in the other car, and handle it like a grown woman. I am crying to you so I can be strong in front of them."

RAISING RESILIENT DAUGHTERS

Earlier this year, I released a course for dads called Raising Resilient Daughters. In it, I lay out a framework for building a deep connection, instilling comfort, and then learning to help your daughter handle the challenges of life. 

But the most important part of the course is what I call the Critical Moment. 

This is the point where your daughter faces something she doesn’t know how to deal with. If you build the connection well, in that critical moment, she will return to you with her issues without fear of judgment, the need to hide, or the presence of shame. She will come to you with her issues, not hide them from you.

This is why my daughter’s call stunned me.

Here she was on the side of the interstate, facing something heavy, hundreds of miles from home, and her first thought was to call me for comfort and courage.

After I talked her through how to handle the insurance and navigate the conversation, she hung up, got out of her car, and worked it through.

But after she hung up, I cried.

This was the kind of call I dreamed about as a dad. That my daughter would see me as a source of comfort in crisis, a man who can give her courage, and one who would help her face the drama on her own and walk back into the world.
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I got so many things wrong as a dad along the way, and struggled so many times wondering if my effort was going to make any difference. But this week, with a phone call from the side of the interstate in Tennessee, I realized all the sacrifice was worth it, and that the quote we looked at every day when I was discipling her in high school had moved from her head to her heart.

"Here is the world, beautiful and terrible things will happen, don’t be afraid."

Here was one of those terrible things, but she had the connection she needed to face it without fear.

Dads, the work you put in to love and serve your daughters will be worth it. The seeds of joy and love you are sowing now will reap the kind of fruit in adulthood that will make you weep.

I’m here for the tears, fellas.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon

the leper who came back

“When a person doesn't have gratitude, something is missing in his or her humanity.”

Elie Wiesel

“In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”
1 Thessalonians 5:18

It's Thanksgiving in the United States this week.

Every year, we head down South to be with my In-laws to remember the goodness of God for the year. So, I am writing this from Gatlinburg, the health capital of Tennessee, eating Funnel Cake and biscuits. I love the South.

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite American holiday. 

My first Thanksgiving was spent watching the Dallas Cowboys play football while I ate a cold plate of food in a stranger's apartment in Florida, while the girl I was dating tended to her sick sister. I married that girl, and I’ve been grateful ever since.

Turns out there is power in gratitude.

Researchers tell us….

Gratitude reduces a multitude of toxic emotions, from envy and resentment to frustration and regret. It increases happiness and reduces depression. Gratitude reduces social comparisons, is a major factor in resilience, and can help reduce PTSD symptoms. It lowers blood pressure, helps with sleep, and can boost theimmune system.

The word gratitude is derived from the Latin word gratia, which means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness. It is simply turning back to God to thank Him for all He has done.

The root of all idolatry is refusing to be grateful (Rom 1:21). Honestly, it’s a staggering lack of perspective. We live in a world we did not create, function in a body we didn’t make, breathe air we didn’t supply, and are recipients of constant grace. The least we could do is say thanks.

I often reflect on the healing of the ten with leprosy in Luke 17. Ten were healed and ran to check with the priests, but one, realizing he was clean, returned to Jesus to say thanks. It recounts,

“One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.”

I want to be a man who throws himself down with thanks. I want to raise a loud voice of praise. I want to be the one leper who comes back when the others enjoy their healing. 

My gratitude mentor is the grateful Samaritan.
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As you celebrate Thanksgiving this year, rather than getting drawn into a fight over politics, why not zoom out and remember how good God has been? 

Here is a list of 100 questions to ask so you can get started: List of Questions to Generate Gratitude

As I celebrate my 27th Thanksgiving in the US, I am reminded that God is good, and life itself is grace.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends.

Cheers.

Jon. 
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In Today’s Newsletter

• Verses to cultivate gratitude

• Quotes to ponder

• Book recommendations this month

• Music I am grateful for

• Poems to cultivate gratitude

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VERSES TO CULTIVATE GRATITUDE

“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.”
Lamentations 3:22-23 

“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.”
Colossians 2:6-7

“One of them, when he saw he was healed, came back, praising God in a loud voice. He threw himself at Jesus’ feet and thanked him—and he was a Samaritan.”
Luke 17:15-16

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.”
Psalm 136:1

QUOTES TO PONDER

“Gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.”
G.K. Chesterton.

“In ordinary life, we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich.”
Dietrich Bonhoeffer

“Gratitude goes beyond the 'mine' and 'thine' and claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift. In the past I always thought of gratitude as a spontaneous response to the awareness of gifts received, but now I realize that gratitude can also be lived as a discipline. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.”
Henri Nouwen

“Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.”
John Milton

BOOKS RECOMMENDATIONS FOR THIS MONTH

You Are Not Alone: A Guide To Following Jesus In A Secular Age by Phil Manginelli

This is probably my favorite, most accessible one-volume book on discipleship and secularism. It is practical, inspiring, and rich.

More…

For two thousand years, Christians have wrestled with significant theological challenges. Why now has deconstruction been a new phenomenon consuming our generation? The history of the church has faced difficult conversations around belief. Why now are we reimagining the historical positions of our faith?

What is happening that has led to a seismic collapse in Western Christianity?

The answer is because we are the first followers of Jesus in a secular age, and hidden in our Christian stories is the presence of another kingdom. Like a ghost in the atmosphere, it has been shaping us, creating the allegiances we didn’t know we were making. Our generation is in crisis because of the lies of secularism, and we must no longer hand them over.

You Are Not Alone is a guide to understanding our cultural moment and rediscovering a faith that can flourish in a new world.

Living in Wonder: Finding Mystery and Meaning in a Secular Age By Rod Dreher

This is a deep and surprisingly supernatural look at restoring wonder in a secular age. It is heady, almost hard to believe, but hopeful. I love Dreher, and this did not disappoint. 

More…

The West has become "disenchanted"--closed to the idea that the universe contains the supernatural, the metaphysical, or the non-material. Christianity is in crisis. People today are leaving the Church because faith has become dry and lifeless. But people aren't leaving faith for atheism. They are still searching for the divine, and it might just be right under their noses.

In Living in Wonder, thought leader, cultural critic, and New York Times bestselling author Rod Dreher shows you how to encounter and embrace wonder in the world. In his trademark mixture of analysis, reporting, and personal story, Dreher brings together history, cultural anthropology, neuroscience, and the ancient Church to show you--no matter your religious affiliation--how to reconnect with the natural world and the Great Tradition of Christianity so you can relate to the world with more depth and connection.

Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think by Tasha Eurich

This book was incredible. It was packed with insights about self-awareness and perception, and I left realizing how much I have to grow as a leader.

More…

Research shows that self-awareness—knowing who we are and how others see us—is the foundation for high performance, smart choices, and lasting relationships. There’s just one problem: most people don’t see themselves quite as clearly as they could.

Fortunately, reveals organizational psychologist Tasha Eurich, self-awareness is a surprisingly developable skill. Integrating hundreds of studies with her own research and work in the Fortune 500 world, she shows us what it really takes to better understand ourselves on the inside—and how to get others to tell us the honest truth about how we come across.

MUSIC I AM LOVING

Music For Psychedelic Therapy by Jon Hopkins

This is the best album for deep work I have heard in a while. It's an immersive journey. It's a bit new age but just filter that out. 

Son of Dad by Stephen Wilson Jr

I don’t like country music, but I love this album, though. Wilson calls it Death Cab for Country, and you can tell. I love this at a primal level. The songs are elite and full of passion. 

Miles in France 1963 & 1964 - Miles Davis Quintet: The Bootleg Series, Vol. 8

This is musical genius, folks. Miles Davis performing live in Paris. Enough said.

POETRY 

DRIVING TO TOWN LATE TO MAIL A LETTER BY ROBERT BLY
It is a cold and snowy night. 
The main street is deserted. 
The only things moving are swirls of snow. 
As I lift the mailbox door, 
I feel its cold iron. 
There is a privacy I love in this snowy night. 
Driving around, I will waste more time.

AT THE CATHEDRAL’S FOOT BY ADAM ZAGAJEWSKI
In June once, in the evening, returning from a long trip, 
with memories of France’s blooming trees still fresh in our minds, 
its yellow fields, green plane trees sprinting before the car, 
we sat on the curb at the cathedral’s foot and spoke softly about disasters, 
about what lay ahead, the coming fear, 
and someone said this was the best we could do now— 
to talk of darkness in that bright shadow.

MY CUP BY ROBERT FRIEND
They tell me I am going to die. 
Why don’t I seem to care? 
My cup is full. Let it spill.

hospitality for hostile times

“Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing, some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it."

Hebrews 13:2

"An environment of welcome + a transformation of identity = a new humanity."

Beautiful Resistance

Last night, I had dinner with some new friends that lasted five hours.

Seated around a table at Selah Springs Ranch in Brady, Texas, I laughed until it hurt, felt my heart moved with compassion, and learned things about the stories of others that filled me with joy. 

Texas and New York are different worlds. In some ways, the cultures feel like they belong in two different countries. Yet, with people I barely knew, some I had just met, and some older friends, I felt my heart moved. 

I have not felt my heart open towards others that much since I can remember. 

The dinner was framed as an “Intentional Dinner.”

Each person brought one question to ask the table designed to help us learn about and understand each other that evening.

Here are the questions we asked that carried us well into the night:

• If you could return to any memory of your childhood, when would it be, and why?

• What do you like most about yourself?

• If you could be an expert at something for thirty days, and then your expertise disappeared, what would it be and why?

• If you only got to know Jesus and what He offers in this life and nothing in eternity, would you still follow Him?

• What was the first moment that you knew for certain God was real, and was it what you expected it to be?

• What is one thing about yourself you want to change over the next ten years?

• What is the single greatest moment you have experienced with your child (or you remember experiencing with your parent/s)?

• What is one purchase you could make now that would satisfy your inner child?

• What’s your least popular opinion?

Over crispy chicken thighs, baked garlic butter rolls, sweet potato medallions, vinegar beans, buttermilk pie, and Bluebell ice cream, I drank from the cup of hospitality until my heart was full.

The church talks about “the table” a lot; some churches even name themselves “The Table,” but last night, I felt the power of the table.

One quote I have used and returned to over the years is from The Divine Commodity by Skye Jethani, where he writes…

“The English word hospitality originates from the same Latin root as the word hospital. A hospital is literally a ‘home for strangers.’ Of course, it has come to mean a place of healing. There is a link between being welcomed and being healed.” 

He continues…

“Our homes are to be hospitals—refuges of healing radiating the light of heaven. And our dinner tables are to be operating tables—the place where broken souls are made whole again….When we lower our defenses, when we remove our façades and our peepholes, and we begin to be truly present with one another—then the healing power of the gospel can begin its work.”

Last night, around a table of friends, some scar tissue from my heart was removed. The healing power of the gospel once again did its work.
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As the election approaches here in the US, I am again reminded of our society's broken and fractured nature. I can’t think of a more practical way to begin healing our cultural divides than the table.

Jesus’ use of hospitality was one of His most powerful tools for forming a new humanity out of the cultural chaos of His day. Welcomed to His feast were tax collectors and zealots, Pharisees and prostitutes, the lepers and the lost.

Jesus believed that by creating an atmosphere of welcome for all, He could help transcend cultural debates and humanize the other, enabling the kingdom of God to move forward.

While watching the forthcoming movie Bonhoeffer, there is a powerful scene towards the end of the film where Bonhoeffer is serving communion before he faces his death. He invites one of the Nazi guards, a believer, to join them. Amidst the pain and the protest, Bonhoeffer says, 

“It is not our table; it is the Lord’s, and He has invited us all.”

You have a choice about how you will be remembered in our time of cultural division and crisis: as one who furthers hatred and division or as one who models another way. Jesus created space at His table for you, and we have an obligation to invite others.

Is it time for you to host an intentional dinner? 
Is it time to create a place of hospitality in the middle of a culture of hostility?

Why not…

Prepare the questions.
Invite the guestlist.
Ready the food.

Hospitality may be the church's best weapon in the middle of the culture war.

Thanks for reading.

Cheers.

Jon.

prayer as love

"If we truly love people, we will desire for them far more than it is within our power to give them, and this will lead us to prayer: Intercession is a way of loving others."

Richard J. Foster

"When you pray, say, Our Father."

Jesus

I was reminded again this week of the power of a father's prayer. 

Fathers often feel overwhelmed by the complexities of parenting in the modern age. 

When do we have all the crucial conversations? 
How do we stay relationally connected? 
How do we disciple our kids without driving them away? 

With sports schedules, homework, new friends, dating, and a ton of extracurricular activities accelerating at a blistering pace, how can we know we have done enough? 
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Many of you know parts of my story, but one of the key aspects that doesn’t get enough attention is the role my father played in my conversion. 

As a teenager, both my parents were busy and had a ton of responsibilities in making life work. Around the age of 14, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd in high school, and it went downhill from there. My parents did what they could to appeal to my heart and motivate me to change, but it didn’t seem to work. As a father myself, I can now understand the pain and anxiety my parents must have felt, and the grief and heartache they experienced. It’s a part of my own story that I deeply regret.

However, despite my parents' noble efforts, including discipline and boundaries, things only got worse. They were losing my heart; they were losing me.

At the end of his rope, and from a motivation of love and pain, my father got desperate. He made a decision that changed my life forever. He resolved to… 

"Do in prayer what he couldn’t do in person."

If I wouldn’t listen to him or follow his direction, he would simply bring me before God with fasting and prayer. 

My father’s prayers were not small prayers—the kind that feel good but do nothing. These were prayers of desperation and destiny, covenant and call. 

He would pray in my room.
He would pray over my schedule.
He would pray when I left the house. 

He pleaded from a place of heartache and prayed with all his might. 

Then, God laid a promise on his heart for me from Isaiah 59:21.

"As for me, this is my covenant with them," says the LORD. "My Spirit, who is on you, will not depart from you, and my words that I have put in your mouth will always be on your lips, on the lips of your children, and on the lips of their descendants—from this time on and forever," says the LORD."

He cried to God that I would leave my life of sin, turn towards God, get new friends, and serve the Lord.

I didn’t know it at the time, but something began to change in my heart. Within a year, my life was unrecognizable. I stumbled into a church and was radically converted. I sensed a call to ministry and rebuilt my entire life around the kingdom of God. The Spirit did not depart from me; the word of the Lord was on my lips. 

My life has been defined by his prayers.

I now get to pastor in New York, write, speak, and mentor other leaders, but the fruit of all that has happened in my life came from the prayers of a desperate dad.
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Why not resolve to fast one meal/day a week for your children and give that time to God in prayer? There is destiny-shaping power when a father resolves in prayer. 

Do in prayer what you cannot do in person.

My father did in prayer what he couldn’t do in person, and you can, too. Instead of nagging, demanding, punishing, or yelling, why not bring your kids to God? He alone has the power to change their hearts, and He can do it when there is distance and discouragement in your relationships with your kids.

Prayer is the fulcrum a father can lean on to shape his family.

Why not take a moment, even right now, to lean on God for your kids?

Prayer can reach prodigals in faraway lands and older brothers in the field. It can open hearts, eyes, and doors of destiny.

History is shaped through prayer; your family can be, too.

Do in prayer what you cannot do in person.

That will be enough. 

Cheers.

Jon.

form versus game

“A warrior culture trains for adversity.
Luxury and ease are the goals advertised to the civilian world.”
Steven Pressfield

"I want you to hit me as hard as you can."

Tyler Durden.

“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth.

I did not come to bring peace, but a sword."

Jesus

Both of my kids have black belts in Taekwondo.

It took them years to earn them, and watching them train was a major part of my journey as a dad.

Some dads coach soccer. I watched my kids punch through plywood boards. New York is its own place :)

I learned so much about discipleship from the sweaty little studio across the street from our apartment where my kids trained.

I learned about the importance of consistency (most kids quit in yellow belt), the importance of practice (bad training repeated calcifies bad habits), and the psychology of progress (peer recognition in advancing in belt colors does more than nagging ever can).

Yet, over the years, one thing has stood out to me more than the others about their training, and I have been reflecting on it deeply the last few weeks.

I’ll call it FORM versus GAME.

Form, and forms, are the core moves and techniques required to pass each belt test and move on to the next belt.

There is an almost endless process of learning how to punch, kick, strike, hold, and throw. Each move is broken down and taught one-on-one. Then you have to combine them together in such a way that you master the forms (It's very similar to learning an entire dance (you can get the idea in this 2-minute video Taekwondo Basic Form).

Each belt test requires you to show mastery of the forms. 

When the kids do their forms, it's beautiful and inspiring. They seem to move as one, a tight-knit group kicking and punching the air with precision.

Some kids have a knack for memorizing forms; others grind it out. My kids worked hard and caught on quickly.

Forms look amazing in tests and powerful when done together, but forms are not fighting. The point of the form is not the form. The point of the form is to train you to fight. 
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In the book, A Fighter's Mind, Sam Sheridan discusses what makes a fighter's thinking and psychology different from those of the typical person.

He calls it game. The idea of this is common in our culture but almost absent in the church.

When we ask if someone is willing to do something, a reply we often give is, “I’m game.”

Game in our culture is a willingness to try, to jump in, to have a go.

Game in fighting is a little different. It’s a willingness to be punched in the face, to embrace the pain and fear, to lean into the fight and not cower in fear.

The church today trains people in forms, but it has lost the concept of game.

We have Bible form, prayer form, fasting form, serving form, volunteer form, community form, but what we don’t have is game. So little of what we talk about on Sundays shows up in real life. 

People have forgotten that the point of practice is not the practice itself but to prepare us to follow Jesus in the real world. 
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I'll never forget the first time my daughter shifted from forms to sparring.  At first, they don't let the white belts fight because they don’t know how to. But soon enough they square you up with someone of the same belt and tell you to fight.

I remember the first time someone hit her hard in the head. It was hard for me to watch. A look of total shock flashed across her face. Somehow, while learning to punch and kick, she never connected that she would have to punch and kick other people. She had taken ballet before, and she was good, but this was different.

The point of the forms was to learn how to actually fight.

The goal was game, not form. She learned this the hard way.

My daughter quickly adjusted and got good fast. My son did, too. But Haley had a kind of instinct that kicked in. At one point, the head instructor (World Champion Blackbelt) stopped the class when Haley was sparring and said to everyone… 

“Watch Haley; she is doing a ballet of violence.”

A Ballet of Violence. Form + game.
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I bring this up because our discipleship today is often nothing more than the form. 
We train and train and train but never do. We read and read and read but never obey.

Resonance is not the same as obedience.
Agreeing is not the same as acting. 
Listening is not the same as doing. 

Jesus seemed to be baffled by the emphasis on a form-only based discipleship in His day. 

‘Why do you call me Lord, Lord, and you don’t do what I say? Everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand.”

Form-only discipleship is a foundation of sand, and so many in the church today are being swept away because this foundation won’t stand what we are up against in the world today. 

Dallas Willard said, “The missing note in evangelical life today is not in the first instance spirituality but rather obedience. We have generated a variety of religion to which obedience is not regarded as essential.”
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I love how John Wimber, founder of the Vineyard Movement, was obsessed with doing the stuff. Form was not enough for him.

As Wimber recounts, when he was a new believer, he and his wife Carol visited a church immediately after he had read through the gospel accounts of the life and ministry of Jesus. After the service, John went up to the pastor and asked him:

“So, when do we do the stuff?”

“The ‘stuff’,” said the pastor. “What’s the ‘stuff’?”

“You know,” John replied, “the stuff in the Bible, like healing the sick and casting out demons. The stuff!”

“Oh,” replied the pastor. “We don’t do the stuff. We believe they did it back in biblical days, but we don’t do it today.”

With a rather confused look on his face, John could only say: “And I gave up drugs for this?”

Wimber had game.
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I am not trying to set up a false dichotomy here. 

We need to learn the practice and form of how to follow Jesus. Game without form can be messy, frustrating, and ineffective. But we are not trending in that direction right now. 

The major issue of our time is a willingness to actually do the Jesus stuff.

To not just watch YouTube videos on apologetics but talk to our neighbors about our faith and get in the mess of their questions.

Not just talk about discipleship, but actually get with people who don’t know Jesus and share the gospel, help them cross the line of faith, follow up with them, establish them in the faith, and help them do the same for others. 

To not just talk about loving each other but make room in our schedules and wallets to actually care, listen, give, and help.

We need game in our discipleship.

We need a new instinct not to just read, attend, and listen but to step out in faith and actually do.
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I am so encouraged about what I see Jesus doing to move people beyond the forms of faith and into the mess of discipleship right now.

I see so many in our church in New York praying for the sick in the streets, sharing their faith in the workplace, pouring into new believers on rooftops, and giving sacrificially to those in need.

God is giving His church game again.

God wants to shift you from form to game, too!

God has more for you than just attending, listening, and consuming.

He wants you in the actual fight, living what you believe and doing what He commanded.

David Pytches said, 

Every time someone turns to Christ in repentance, finding forgiveness and eternal life, the kingdom of God is extended. Each time Jesus heals, casts out demons, prevents destruction or raises the dead the kingdom of God is advanced. Every healing or deliverance in the name of Jesus is a curbing of the enemies powers and the frontiers of darkness are pushed back Speaking of his approaching death and triumph through the cross, Jesus said, “now the prince of this world will be driven out.” The process of “driving out” still continues today. We are meant to be actively involved in it.

This is the kind of discipleship our hearts long for.

Game, not just form.

Actively involved in driving back darkness.

I’m praying that God gives you the fighter's mind. 

The instinct to do and not just train. 

To jump in and not just watch. 

To obey and not just hear.

Game, not just form.

Let’s go.

Cheers. 

Jon.

refusing to let your heart grow cold

Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved.

Matthew 24:12-13

God never makes bloodless stoics; He makes no passionless saints.

Oswald Chambers

When you read the Bible, certain words can jump out at you in certain seasons of your life. This happened to me recently while reading Matthew 24. 

It was the word MOST.

Jesus said that because of the increase in wickedness, the love of most will grow cold. In this context, "most" refers to the majority.  

While everyone is talking about how culture is making us anxious, few are talking about how it makes us indifferent. Wickedness works on the heart to shut love down, and it’s working well.

We live in a world that normalizes sin. What was once renounced as deplorable is celebrated as normal.

Violence is entertainment.
Making love became porn.
Hatred is expected.
Division is normal.
Cynicism is everywhere.

It feels like the whole world has become the Howard Stern show.

Maintaining love for Jesus is hard when this comes at you thousands of times a day. It can make you doubt your convictions and numb your devotion. 

We can become like the Psalmist in Psalm 73...

"Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure and have washed my hands in innocence."

I don’t want wickedness to weaken my heart. I don’t want sin to suffocate my devotion. I don’t want to be in the cold-hearted majority. I want to be in the burning minority.

I am at war with a heart that grows cold.
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Last week, I had the honor of a Zoom call with an author I have admired for almost twenty years. He is in his sixties and has sold millions of books.

He is incredibly well-known in evangelical circles and writes in a way that resonates with my heart on a primal level. 

At the start of the call, he suggested we pray and invite God's presence to be with us. What happened next caught me by surprise. 

Through the screen, I could feel God's presence emanate from him and touch my heart. It was an experience that is hard to explain, but I could feel God coming out of him.

This man has navigated many of the things that dull the heart. 

He has fought off the delusion of success, responded graciously to critics, ignored controversy, and got on with the task of discipleship and formation. His is a heart that is strangely alive.

As we spoke, I was struck by his passion for Jesus, anger at Satan, compassion for people, and hatred for sin. The more he responded to my questions, the more I found one rising in my own heart.

How can I have a heart filled with passion like this when I am in my sixties?

How can I learn to love the right things, hate the wrong things, and burn in such a way that younger men rally to me to warm their cold hearts from the evil of the world?
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The Moravians are one of my redemptive mentors from history. 

If you don’t know about Count Zinzendorf, Herrnhut, the 100-year prayer meeting, or their impact on missions, you owe it to yourself to learn more. (The Lord of the Ring: In Search of Count von Zinzendorf and Christian History Article: Zinzendorf & the Moravians)

They were full of burning passion that still touches the hearts of those who hear about them today. One of their best practices was an idea called "fending off lukewarmness."

Zinzendorf knew that the time to stir the heart wasn’t when it was fully dead but when it was in the earliest stages of decline. He wanted his people to guard their hearts and fight the first sign of lukewarmness as it crept into their hearts. 

We need a new movement of men who will fend off lukewarmness. We need a movement of men who refuse to let wickedness produce heartlessness.

Porn is bad because it dehumanizes women and deforms your desires, but its most harmful effect may be the least talked about. It robs you of passion for Jesus.

Greed is bad because it makes objects into idols and chokes out the Word, but its most harmful effect may be that it robs us of passion for Jesus.

Power is a temptation for us all, the delusion of having others under our control. But its most harmful effect may be that it robs us of passion for Jesus. 
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I am at war with wickedness. The more it increases around me, the more I pursue the beauty of Jesus.

I refuse to let wickedness produce heartlessness. 
I refuse to have a cold heart. 
I refuse a mediocre version of my faith.

Oswald Chambers says, "God never makes bloodless stoics; He makes no passionless saints."

By God’s grace, let us never lack zeal, guard our spiritual fervor, and fend off lukewarmness together.

Here’s to a burning majority who refuse to let their love grow cold.

Thanks for reading,

Cheers.

Jon.

the truth about commitments: what's really worth your time as a man

Where people no longer have the inner daring to make serious promises or the grit to keep them, human community becomes a combat zone of competing self-maximizers.”

Lewis Smedes

Above all, my brothers and sisters, do not swear—not by heaven or by earth or by anything else. All you need to say is a simple “Yes” or “No.” Otherwise, you will be condemned.

James 5:12

I am in the middle of a commitment audit.

I haven’t consciously done this before, but the older I get, the more aware I am of the expanding needs and demands on my life and my finite capacity to meet them. I want to keep the right commitments and let go of the wrong ones. 

If only it were that easy…
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You have probably experienced the joy and frustration of the right and wrong commitments. Have you ever been to an event you agreed to attend, thinking the whole time, “Why did I even say yes to this?” It feels like a waste of time and energy and doesn’t align with any value or vision you have for your life, but you feel obligated and hesitant to say no to not let someone else down.

Commitment creep leads to commitment regret.

You have also probably experienced the joy of making the right commitment: taking your wife on the trip she’s always wanted, showing up for a big game for your kids, or making the long drive for Thanksgiving with people you love. These are the “I would not have missed this for the world” kind of commitments. 

Compelling commitments lead to life and joy.

So, how can we make better commitments that give us life and align with our calling and reject others that are motivated by fear or guilt and empty us?
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Harvard Business Review defines commitment as “actions taken in the present that bind us to a future course.”

The Merriam-Webster definition of commitment is “an agreement or pledge to do something in the future.” 

I like the directional nature of these definitions.  

What we choose now both expands and restricts our horizon of possibility for the days ahead. We decide who we want to be now and follow through in the future. 

In the Bible, the words used for commitment are heavy words.

Commitment is often viewed through a covenantal lens between God and humanity, with our call being one of loyalty, faithfulness, and devotion.

In the Old Testament, the concept of commitment can be found in words like "chazaq" (חָזַק), which means to "strengthen," "grasp," or "hold fast." This appears in contexts where God's people are urged to hold firm to the covenant. Another word is "aman" (אָמַן), often translated as "faithful" or "steadfast," pointing to a kind of trustworthiness in relationships.

The Greek word often used in the New Testament for commitment is "paradidomi" (παραδίδωμι), meaning "to hand over" or "to entrust." It appears in the framework of conviction, stewardship, and sacrifice, showing a deep, relational commitment (think of Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane doing his Father's will and not His own).

Reflecting on these realities reveals that our commitments should mean something and should not be entered into lightly. 

Let your yes be a yes, and your no be no.

Understanding what a commitment is can be one thing; keeping them—another.

Every man should audit his commitments.
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Psychologists tell us that when we make a commitment, it activates the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision-making and self-control. This activation enhances our sense of responsibility and commitment to fulfilling the promise. We also release dopamine (the chemical responsible for pleasure and motivation.) It makes us feel really good in the moment. However, it’s a short-term reality. It wears off quickly, leaving us unmotivated in the long run, struggling to live out over time, which is what felt so good in the moment.

Ah, commitments; so easy to make, so hard to keep.

• It's easy to tell our wife you will be home at a certain time, and harder to leave work to get through traffic.

• It’s easy to tell our kids we will play with them on Saturday morning, but it's harder to get up when you are exhausted from the week.

• It’s easy to sign up for a men’s morning Bible study, but harder to go to bed early the night before.

• 75 Hard sounds great, but 5 Easy is probably more realistic.

You get the point.

However, when we break our commitment, it can affect us deeply.

We can feel shame, a loss of dignity, and guilt. These feelings can sabotage our relationships with others, cause others to doubt our reliability, and damage our credibility.

I failed to keep a commitment to a mentoring group a while back. Most people didn’t mention it ("Jon is really busy" sort of thing), but I really disappointed a few of the guys. It hurt to let them down, and I was disappointed in myself.

Commitments are so easy to make, so hard to keep, so damaging when we don’t.
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In light of the heaviness of all this, many men hesitate to make commitments. It seems easier to date around on apps rather than commit to a woman, jump from job to job than commit to an employer, and drift from church to church over time. 

However, failing to commit in many ways can be as damaging as breaking our commitments.

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a single woman from our church before services, and she noted some of the work we were doing with Forming Men and Primal Path.

“I hope you are forming commitment in men,” she said.

“I am sick to death of flakey guys.”

Flakey. What a word. What a tragedy.

I don’t want to be a flakey man. I don’t want to form flakey men. But it’s easier said than done. 
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Whenever you start thinking about commitments, you realize it can get overwhelming.

For example, people talk about Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Commitments, Approach vs. Avoidance Commitments, Behavioral vs. Cognitive Commitments, Personal vs. Collective Commitments, Moral vs. Pragmatic Commitments, and Identity-Based Commitments, to name just a few.

These make me want to commit to not reading about commitments.

So, I tried to reduce my commitments to a few categories to really see what I was giving myself to and how well I was living this out. Here is how I categorized my commitments:

(1)  Covenant Commitments
(2)  Core Commitments
(3)  Casual Commitments
(4)  Cluttered Commitments

1. Covenant Commitments
These represent the highest form of commitment in our spiritual and relational contexts (e.g., marriage, faith, fatherhood). This level signifies binding promises or agreements that deeply shape our lives and decisions. 

To reflect… 

Marriage: Am I fully present and emotionally invested in my marriage, prioritizing my spouse’s needs and well-being? How often do I intentionally nurture this relationship?

Faith: Am I consistently growing in my relationship with God? Do I spend intentional time in prayer, scripture, and community with other believers?

Fatherhood: Am I providing my children spiritual, emotional, and physical support? Do I lead by example in my faith and integrity as a father?

Integrity: Am I keeping my promises, especially in areas requiring long-term devotion, regardless of circumstances or convenience?
   
2. Core Commitments 
These refer to commitments or priorities that form the foundation of your identity and life purpose. These commitments may not be as formal as a covenant, but they are essential to who you are as a person (e.g., family, close friendships, personal mission).

To reflect…

Family: Am I maintaining solid and meaningful connections with extended family members? Do I make time to invest in their lives and support them?

Close Friendships: Do I nurture my closest friendships, regularly checking in and offering support? Am I intentional about maintaining trust and open communication with them?

Personal Mission: Am I living out my personal mission or calling? Does my daily life reflect my core values and long-term goals? Is my life intentional or accidental?

Self-Care: Am I taking care of my physical, emotional, and mental well-being so that I can serve others effectively? Am I putting on my oxygen mask first?

3. Casual Commitments
These are commitments or activities that are important but not life-defining. They might include hobbies, social engagements, or non-binding relationships that don’t require deep investment.

To reflect…

Hobbies: Are my hobbies and interests providing me with joy, relaxation, or personal growth without overtaking more important commitments? Do they help me recharge, or have they become distractions? Do my wife or kids complain about how much time I spend engaging in my hobbies?

Social Engagements: Am I able to maintain balance in my social life without feeling obligated to say “yes” to everything? Do I protect time for deeper commitments when necessary? Am I a yes man, or a maybe man, a prayerful man, a thoughtful man about what I give myself to?

Community Involvement: Am I engaged in casual but meaningful community activities (work events, sports, etc.) that contribute positively to my life? Am I involved without becoming overextended?
     
4. Clutter Commitments
These represent distractions or unnecessary commitments that do not serve your core values or purpose. They may consume time and energy without providing meaningful value. Our world is filled with this sort of thing, which is called “commitment creep.”

Time-Draining Activities: Do I spend significant time on activities that don’t align with my core values or long-term goals (e.g., excessive Netflix, YouTube, social media, or non-productive tasks)? Am I able to identify these distractions?

Obligations from Guilt or Social Pressure: Do I take on commitments out of guilt, fear of missing out, or to meet others’ expectations that don’t align with my priorities? Why?

“Commitment Creep”: Am I allowing small, unnecessary commitments to accumulate and take away from more important ones? Do I struggle to say “no” to things that don’t matter in the bigger picture? What sort of things? Why? What’s my real motivation here?

Emotional Clutter: Are there relationships or activities in my life that drain my emotional energy but don’t bring fulfillment or growth? Have I changed, have others changed, and do things need to be re-evaluated based on future direction?
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You make your commitments, and then your commitments make you.

The older I get, the more I want to live up to my commitments and uncommit from the things Jesus never asked me to do. How about you?

What would your closest people say about how you are fulfilling your commitments?

What do you need to uncommit to in order to fully commit to the more important things?
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I loved Greg McKeown's book Essentialism. It was full of provocative and freeing ideas. But one idea has stayed with me over the years. It was one of his filters for making commitments. He writes:

“We need to learn the slow ‘yes’ and the quick ‘no.”

The slow yes.

That’s the filter I am using moving forward.

I want to make godly commitments, and I want to keep them well. I need to make them without pressure, fear of missing out, guilt, shame, ungodly obligation, and anxiety.

The slow yes, the deep yes, the truly committed yes.

Then, everything else is a no.

Hoping this gives you some vision and tools to do your own personal commitment audit.

May God give you grace to know what matters most so you can give yourself fully to it.

Cheers.

Jon.